Saturday, July 23, 2011

Running on ice

Yesterday I spent at the beach with Carolyn's 14 year-old son. It was the hottest day I can remember and it was good to be on the beach. Wayne, Carolyn's son is a good kid. He was in the water a lot and so was IO. I'm more than a little sun burnt even though I was using SPF 50 sunscreen. Probably kept washing off in the water.
I am more than a little regretful that I enjoyed his company. We started talking and we were talking about things we could do. Problem is I have no idea what the future will bring. Wayne is estranged from his dad and he got close to Andy who was with Carolyn after her marriage and from what she told me Andy and Wayne got real close. I would hate it if I bond with Wayne and then be someone else who leaves. The the feeling I get from Carolyn is she isn't about to get close to anyone least of all me.
I had asked her to come with me to a party at Janet's tonight and at first she wanted to go. Last night at the end of the day we were both down at the marina and I reminded her about the party and she pretty much decided she wouldn't go or do anything with me this weekend. I son;t know why I expect things to move in a linear fashion and not not up and down so I can't predict what I need to do next. I know Carolyn has been through a lot and she probably isn't sure she wants anyone to add to all she deals with. And I'm not sure I can handle all she deals with either. She is also very attractive and has always had options that I can't even see.
As I start today I'm fine but sad and pessimistic.

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