Thursday, July 28, 2005

Last night was the worst

Judi is getting worse and worse. Obviously her cancer is progressed to the point where she will not recover. Now the best we can hope for is she gets a little better and has some more time. Every day seems precious now. She is still in ICU and not responding to any treatment. Right now she is on so much morphine she can only barely recognize what's going on.

Last night at 10:30 I went to Lisa's house and she is so upset she was sobbing. I feel so helpless. Words don't come. I want to hold her and tell her it will all be alright but I can't. It's obvious that it's not alright. Her sister is dying and there is nothing we can do or say to change that. Lisa called Judi's oncologist (cancer doctor) and her told Lisa in brutal honesty that Judi is getting the best care available. Judi's cancer has spead to her liver, kidney's and is in the sacks and fluid around her heart. Finally at 1 o'clock her told Lisa he needed to go to sleep and practically hung up on her. She was just crying and crying until 2 a.m. and then I needed to go home. She was probably up all night. I wished I could stay but I was feeling very tired and helpless at that point.

Last night Lisa's other sister sent this out in an email; "Judi needs everyone's prayers right now!  Please pray in Jesus Name for her recovery and for peace for Judi.   Thanks Everybody.  We love you all!   Ellen" I guess that's all we can do.


Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Lisa's sister is still sick

Judi is still in the ICU and still on a respirator. I spoke to Lisa 3 times last night and we were going over what she was told by her friend Powell. who is a doctor and an expert in the field of cancer research. He pretty much said that Judi is pretty much into the last stage and recovery was not likely. Basically Judi is dying. God, this is so awful. Judi is only a year older than I am. I'll be there for Lisa but I get the feeling she will not look to me for comfort. I think she would rather I stay away from the hospital.

Hospitals seem to be a recurring theme right now for me. Tracy is having her knee 'scoped today. I called her yesterday and we spoke for a while. I will call her again late tomorrow and hopefully her surgery will go as planned and she can talk to me. I'm really starting to feel like she likes me. I'm not sure how to take things but I've always felt like there might be interest in me on her part. Her recovery from surgery should be pretty quick.... 2 weeks to a month. I'll keep calling her and see how things progress. 

It's really an odd feeling how I have to deal with something really bad at the same time I finally might have something really good.  

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Lisa's family crisis

Oh God, this is real bad. On Saturday, Lisa's sister Judi went to the emergency room because she was having trouble breathing. Judi has cancer and is undergoing chemotherapy. At first they thought she was only dehydrated but it turns out she was having fluid built up around her heart and lungs. On Monday they did surgery and right now she is in ICU and on a resperator. Her cancer is in the 4th stage which is about as bad as can be. Obviously they have to suspend chemo and I'm not sure what the prognosis is for her current condition.

Last night I was with her family at the hospital. Everyone was very upset and feeling very helpless. I wish I could be stronger but I really don't know what to say. I didn't realize how close I feel to them. It's really hard.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Things worked out this weekend

I guess Thursday was the calm before the storm. I was really buzy.Friday night I left work and went right to happy hour. Didn't even stop at home. Met Janet there which was nice although I ended up buying drinks for all of her friends and ran though all my money in about 2 hours. Janet is real nice but she just isn't getting any closer to me and I just think I should relax when it comes to hanging out with her. I keep trying to impress her and that's just too much for me.

So after I'd spent 2 hours enjoying myself I got a message from Tracy who was heading out to the same place I was but didn't know it. I called her back and told her I'd wait until she got there. But by then I was broke and tired and really needed to get home. So I had a drink and a short conversation and we agreed to go sailing on my boat the next day. I said good-night by 10.

So you would think I would just call it a night and go home... but no!.I called Lisa and she and I shared some wine on the front steps of her house until around midnight. I told her all about Tracy. I told her Tracy would probably only be on my boat until about 6. We made plans to take an have dinner after Tracy went home. We just sat and talked. Went home like a good boy. Ugh!

So Saturday tried to get up early but couldn't. I needed to get food for the boat and everything took longer than I'd expected. See, if I was smart I would have done all this the night before instead of going out. So I ran a little late but we finally got away from the dock by 2. There was too much wind so we just motored out and dropped anchor and relaxed and talked.

It's been so long since I'd been close to any girl I am still struggling with how to get past the talking and on to kissing. It probably didn't help that one of Tracy's guy friends came by with his little boat. I think they might have a "friends-with-benefits" and he was making sure I knew he was around. So we just spent the day hanging out. We had lunch and were out for about 4 hours then went back. I guess I should have not had Lisa lined up to later that evening because we were really having a good time. I could see that Tracy wanted to stay so I just went with it. I got in touch with Lisa who was having a family crisis so she wouldn't make until late anyway. Tracy and I had dinner and Lisa showed up around sunset. So we all were on the boat at the dock until around 11. That's right. I had 2 girls on my boat which to some might seem very enticing. But to me 2 girls are the same as no girls when it comes to me trying anything. Not only that, but it seemed like neither one was about to leave until they knew the other one was going. So no chance to be alone with either Tracy or Lisa. Probably wouldn't have mattered.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Day off.... I wish

I had to make it in today so my thought to take the day off was squashed. So of course it's one of the nicest hot days of the year. 90+ degrees but low humidity.

Last night I enjoyed drinks sitting at the dock alone. Sort of depressing since I was hoping Tracy might be coming. She left a message on my cell that I didn't get. So I spend a long time in the car trying to do self affirmations and by the time I got home I was in a much better place. So even though I'm in the office I feel pretty good. The day's events have helped.

I called Tracy and we are set for Saturday on the boat. She has seasick issues so we will see how she handles the boat. I'm not sure what to prepare for. I've been told that she is a little bit of a Jewish-American Princess but also she a little sporty - skiing and tennis. My guess is she is somewhere in between. She is outgoing and likes to laugh so I am really looking forward to enjoying her company.

Finally spoke to Lisa for the first time all week. She is anxious to go sailing too .... wants to go for Saturday night. Leaves me in a dilemma. I could have told her I'm going out with Tracy and will probably roll that right into Saturday night. I didn't. I really want to see Lisa. Ugh! Stupid. What am I trying to do? I should just clear the entire Saturday to spend with Tracy. But I have a feeling Tracy will be bailing on me around dinner time.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Alone last night

Went to the boat last night and got out the dinghy. Tooled around the bay. First time the engine was used in 2 years. Started on the second pull. Couldn't stay out long as the thing has no lights. After sunset the moon came up almost full. Beautiful evening. Warm, no breeze, just a quiet night on the bay. I felt very alone though. No one to share it with just made me more and more sad. Very lonely moment. Still more joy than sad. Great to be able to see it even if I'm the only one to appreciate a moonrise on the water. Going to do it again tonight except I may take the sailboat out ... maybe overnight! Work tomorrow might be sacrificed.  

Wednesday, July 20, 2005


A long, long, long time ago I fell in love for the first time. It was during July so I still often think about it around this time of year. I was still in college and working in a local grocery store. I hadn't ever been in love or even been kissed really. Just spin the bottle when I was 12. So even though I was over 20 I still had no clue. Sometimes I think if it weren't for Shari I would never had known real affection.

She was younger than I was. Still in high school. So young in fact I almost ignored her as a possibility. She was very hot though. Big chest, long blond hair, and green eyes. She also seemed like she knew alot. We had been flirting but this was different. I sensed she liked me right away. One Saturday there was a group going out after work and I said "you are going without me?". Shari said "You're coming.... you must come with us". So I guess you could say she asked me out.

So we went to the movies and it was a sad ending.... I think it was the movie version of "Hair". She cried. I was touched. No one really showed that much emotion to me before. That night in front of her house I got kissed for the first time. I was shocked. Shari really made it happen. I wasn't ready at all. I just said "I love you". It just came out. I doubt I meant it. We said goodnight. I went home thinking about how I wanted to see her again .... really just more kissing.

We spent every day together until the end of the summer. One rainy afternoon we were alone in her room .... her parents were away for the day. We were making out but for a change she wasn't stopping me. Bit by bit the clothes came off and we were naked on her floor. I must have been really nervous as we never had sex that day. I found out then that we were both virgins. This was the first time I'd ever been naked with someone. I felt scared and safe all at once. I'm pretty sure this was the moment I really fell in love with her. I can still remember the sound of her voice as she moaned while I was touching her all over.

After a while we just sat in the dark naked just talking. It was strange how comfortable it was.

Slow week

I'm really wondering where to take things with this journal. I know it's only been 6 weeks but how long am I supposed to write the same story over and over. I really want to make this more interesting to read. I've been considering talking about past success stories so I don't come across as a total loser. I will ponder that and maybe do something in another post.

I sent an email to Janet on Monday and she has not responded. I'm sure she's just busy and then forgot about it. I shouldn't obsess on it so I won't I'm just second guessing a little about how I could have taken her out on Saturday and didn't.

Ahmie is kind of off my list. Wanted to call her but can't come up with a good excuse and I am not sure if I can cold-call just to say hi. In my head I'm thinking she is with her new guy. Probably not that way but that's the way my brain thinks.    

I also wish I could talk to Lisa but her work pretty much makes her unavailable. I made her stop text messeging to my cell phone. It was costing me about $10 a week.

I really want to see Little Feat in Oyster Bay this weekend. I was hoping Lisa would go but it looks as if she will be out with her former work friends. So I haven't really gotten anything lined up for this weekend. I'm pretty sad about that. I really have no one to blame but me. Who can I call?

Monday, July 18, 2005

How I spent my weekend

I did finally call Janet and she was too ambivelent about going to Oyster Bay so I kind of blew her off. Being that I was a little low on cash and I was expected to attend Joe's gathering of the Scuba Diving Club on his boat I decided to go to Port Washington and then to Glen Head. Janet said she just was going to stay in. It was a typically quiet night for the scuba group. I ate more than I should have but didn't drink much.

Sunday I was planning a day on the boat with Lisa, her sister Ellen, Ellen's husband Frank and their 3 kids all over the age of 13. But I woke up to a soaking rain and a phone call from Lisa that we should reschedule. So I went to Joe's boat and helped him clean up, then to my boat to check on it. Boat never left the dock all weekend.

Lisa and I had a pizza dinner at her house and we hung out watching TV until about 9:30. We ate the entire pie in one sitting. Lisa, who I hadn't seen all week, looked like she's lost weight. I neglected to mention it. I figure that I'm just looking for reasons to like her more and I need to stop that.

So all in all it was a usual weekend for me. Always having plenty of friends to spend time with but no one wants to be that special person or I just don't pursue anyone with any gusto. At least I didn't totally blow through my budget although I did spend more than I had planned.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Friday night

Enjoyed myself in Glen Cove last night. Got home at 3 a.m. Told Janet I'd call her  Saturday. Still haven't. Might go to Oyster Bay tonight. Joe wants me to go to his party. What to do?

Status with Janet is still the same. We are just friends. She WAS the prettiest girl in the place last night. Met her daughter Sam (short for Samantha I would guess) and her friend Sam and her other friend Sam... weird. Three girls all named Sam. Her daughter is about 20 and has a cuteness but - maybe I'm just old - Janet is so much hotter.

Found out yesterday that Amie has a boyfriend. I was feeling out Steve about how I should call her and he mentioned that she is seeing this guy. He doesn't know much more than that but obviously there isn't much point to pursue that direction. I still thought I would call her. I just don't know how.

Friday, July 15, 2005

Weekend Plan

"Plan? There ain't no plan." - Mad Max 3: Beyond the Thunderdome

Okay ... maybe that's not totally accurate but I don't have anything special this weekend. I had my great evening Thursday night and pretty much used up all my cash. I'm about $200 short and I really need to be thrifty. Joe wants me to call Amie and offered to loan me money if I needed it. But I'm pretty sure I want to call her Sunday I think. I wish I had been more upfront before.  

Friday night there is live music in Glen Cove that Janet says she will be at. I think I'll try to go but don't know how long I'll stay. I haven't really talked to her in ages and would really love to hear how she is doing. But if I don't get her attention I'll just look to check the boat and head on home by 10. Janet is a late nighter and I'm not sure I can go as long as she can. Maybe if I don't over do it I'll stay longer. Lisa said she will call me later and maybe share a glass of two of wine in front of her house. I reallt want to do that but sometimes I feel like she is setting me up like a bowling pin and I'll get knocked down.  

Saturday looks to  be a quiet day. Maybe I'll take the boat out but more likely I'll just do some TLC on it. There isn't supposed to be much sun. Sunday might be Lisa and her sister Ellen's family out for a cruise.

Thursday Night in The Village

I had a really good time last night. Nothing negative at all. Steve, Derrick and I all left work at 5 sharp leaving only Adrian behind and headed downtown to The Village for drinks a 5 o'clock sharp. We were to meet up with Amie, and Steve's wife Shulpa  and Adrian's girl Luna. Of course the girls were late.

We got there and ordered up a round and then had another before Luna, Shulpa and then Amie got there. Amie looked really good. She wore jeans and a green top that accented cleavage. It was difficult to not stare. I said hello and told her she looked great. I tried to be funny by saying I was hoping to see her in her chef's outfit - she is a pastry chef. She laughed a little.

So we all had a good time. I had some brief conversations with Amie .... we talked about food and where we like to eat. I wanted to ask her to go to one of them and kind of did but did not get any kind of irm commitment. I did kind of catch her eye a few times while she was engaging in conversation with other people. She kind of smiled a little and I could tell she was checking me out a little. I got a really good vibe. I just hope it's not my imagination. I'll need to call her. Scary.

So we all went for pizza at the end of the night and then I headed for the train. I wanted to say so much but of course I choked and just gave her a nice kiss and a hug and then she was gone.

One more thing.... on the way for pizza as we were walking down the block we saw Beetlejuice from the Howard Stern Show. He was just standing there with a friend trying to decide where to go for a drink. We chatted it up and took a picture with a cell phone camera. He ended up going into a Deli and buying a "beer-in-a-bag" and hanging out with us for about 15 minutes. The strangest things happen in New York City.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Why am I never feeling it?

Going out for drinks tonight at the restaurant where Amie works. Even though I have her cell number I haven't called. Joe thinks I am crazy not to have. I don't know what reason I would have for calling and I don't really think she was real into me. I would expect she would think a call would be intrusive. Maybe that's just the mouse in me speaking.

It will include Steve, Adrain and Adrian's girlfriend Luna. Maybe Steve's wife Shulpa but she is pregnant and can't drink. Unfortunately I've only $40 and I am already way over budget for the month. I also want to go out to an outdoor concert Friday night that Janet will be at and I have no idea where I'll get spending money for that.

It always seems that I enough money but no place to go or I have great places to go but I'm broke. Oh well.... the weekend looks good for boating a little. No plans with Lisa, and I haven't heard from her all week. I miss her.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Sunday - A better day

Plans for Sunday included a day out on the boat with Steve, his wife Shulpa and her friend Amie. I'd met Amie before and I must admit the I do have a little bit of a crush on her. She is a very fair skinned Asian Indian who has a Connecticut accent. I'm not sure what it is that I am attracted too but I think she is very sexy.

So I made it to the boat at 11 and started to clean things up from the night before and they arrived at 12 and we were underway by 12:15. Of course there was a little more wind than I wanted so after Saturday's fiasco I refused to put up sails. I just needed a nice relaxing day. Part of me wanted to impress Amie but I knew if I flipped out that would not leave the impression I wanted.

So we steamed out of Hempstead Harbor toward Bayville. It was a little farther than I wanted to go but I didn't see any other protected anchorages. At about 1 P.M. I got a cell phone call from Lisa. The night before I suggested she should join us but she said she needed to do too much at home. But since it was a 90 degree day she decided to go after all, but of course I was already in the middle of LI Sound so I told her she would have to wait until later. Part of me wanted her there because I love her and always want her there. But I was also glad she wasn't there because I wanted to see if Amie had any interest.  

So we had a wonderful day of swimming off of Bayville and we enjoyed a nice swim even though I thought the water was a little more brown than green. All the rain had made the bacteria level higher than normal. Thoughout the day we had light conversation and in my typically shy way I was more reserved than is normal for me. I didn't really have any one on one with Amie at all. I didn't really feel any energy coming from her toward me. I don't know what I was expecting since I've been single so long I couldn't imagine how I could make anything happen. As usual, I let the day play out without forcing anything.

So after lunch and swimming we pulled up the anchor and started the 1 and a half hour trip back toward home. Everyone was very subdued. I think that is the effect of the sea. Everyone very chatty on the way out and contemplative on the way in. I was enjoying myself and didn't say much either.

We got back to the dock at 6 and took 30 minutes to clean up. We decided to go and have a cocktail at Steamboat Landing. Since I knew the way they would follow. Amie road in the back seat with Steve and Shulpa. I looked at that as a tell.... she really wasn't that interested in me. No biggie. Guess who showed up in the parking lot just as we were heading out .... LISA! I told her to follow us to Steamboat. I wasn't until we got there that I realized how odd this would be.

We hung out for about an hour and I spoke to Lisa a little but really wanted to get some one on one with Amie. It was very wierd.... when I was talking to Lisa I felt like I was ignoring Amie and when I was talking to Amie, Lisa was left alone.

So I split my time as best I could and at the end of the night I asked Amie if we could get together and guess what .... we are! Thursday night we will meet for drinks - kind of. It won't be just us but I did get her cell phone number.

So after they left Lisa and I headed off to get a bite to eat and I downplayed the day as I didn't think we really hit it off and Lisa agrees. It really didn't look like a match. So I am not getting my hopes up at all. But I don't want to just give up and feel defeated.

Saturday mess

Saturday morning I needed to get up a little early so I could get my chores on the boat done. Number one on the list was the dinghy and number 2 was to repair the boat's toilet leak. I stopped at my sister's and shanghi-ed my nephew Charlie to assist me. I needed to keep him busy so I had him inflate the dinghy and insert the flooring. He got bored after an hour. I took him home and my 18 year-old neice Katie and her boyfriend Sean wanted to go on a sail so I said be down at the boat by 4:00 I should be done by then. Of course I wasn't but by 4:30 we did get away from the dock. My friend Eric showed up too. Eric, ugh!

Eric's life seems to be in a downward spiral although to talk to him you wouldn't really know it. He has been out of work for about 6 weeks and doesn't seem to care too much because he hated what he does. He was a commercial insurance underwriter so I have to agree his job was very unexciting. Problem is I think he is just getting stoned pretty much non-stop since he stopped working. I always knew he was pretty into smoking pot and is pretty worthless when he does. Well, he showed up to do some work but when I drove my nephew home he smoked and just crapped out and kept asking "when are we gonna that the boat out". He was really annoying. I had my priorities and needed to finish my work.

I let him influence me and I hurriedly finished fixing my head leak and with Katie and Sean the four of us headed out into LI Sound.  We got out there and there was a pretty good wind and I was a little nervous but I figured I had some capable hands on the boat but I think I may have overestimated what we cound handle. We got the main up pretty easy and were making way pretty well but when we put up the jib the 36' boat heeled over and all kinds of stuff broke loose in the cabin. Katie lost her grip on a line and when I wanted to reef the sails no one really knew what to do. I was looking to Eric to pick up the slack but all he cared about was seeing the wind in the sails. I wasn't about to do any "white-knuckle" sailing so when Katie had trouble with the reefing line and we almost broached the boat I had Eric take the helm and sail into the wind and I immediately took allthe sails in. I was litterally shaking.

Eric wanted to motor out into the sound but all I could see was a building wind and thought better of it. I made the call that we were done. It was the right thing to do. So as we headed in Eric cut a bouy and put us on a sandbar. Just what I needed. I was ready to pitch a fit and maybe I did but I didn't say what I really wanted to say. We raised up the main which heaved the boay over enough to break us loose and we got into the channel. I really have to question Eric reliability now. I thought he was pretty capable but he nearly cost me the whole boating season.

After cleaning up the boat I wanted to go see Janet at The Downtown but by the time I got home and showered it was close to 11 P.M. so I didn't go. Then Lisa called and she and I sat on her steps and had a couple of glasses of wine. I thouroughly enjoy that.... my only non-stress event of the day. I really wanted to see Janet though and I figured I'd go to a free concert the next night anyway.

Been out of the game too long.

I had a roller coaster ride of a weekend. It will be hard to get it all into this so I may take a few enrties to get it all. I had planned why to much for one weekend. Friday night was a surprise party to celebrate my older brother Barry's 50th birthday. Saturday I wanted to do some maintenence on the boat then go to The Downtown to see Rectangle and hang out with Janet. Sunday I had Steve, his wife Shulpa, and her single friend Amie (Ammie?) come out for a day on the boat.

Friday night was rainy so I could only go to the party. I enjoyed myself although I was pretty out of it by 10:30. One of the guest was Gina and her husband Mike. Gina was in Barry's wedding party and we dated briefly for a few weeks after that. I really enjoyed seeing her again and wished she was still single. She looked great. The years have been very kind to her and she hasn't lost any of that terrific sense of humor. She left without saying good-bye which is just as well as I could have said something very inappropriate if she had. The night ended with me going home alone and a little depressed. I doubt I'll get a 50th birthday that good.


Friday, July 8, 2005

Weekend plans

I am having Steve and his wife on the boat on Sunday and he is bringing along his wife's friend that I like. Should be interesting.

Tuesday, July 5, 2005

The Fourth of July

Took the entire family out on the boat at about 7:30 for fireworks. This included nephews and nieces. It was far more stessful than I expected. I guess I just need more time out on the water. Seems as though my family has no confidence in me. Especially my sister and mom. Oh, well. We reap what we sow.

Thank God Lisa showed up. She took care of everthing down below. And nephew Charlie was a big help. Still have to do a few things so I need to get down to the boat tonight.

Never heard from Tracy and didn't get a chance to call her. I got a phone number from Nancy although I doubt I'll ever use it.

I didn't see Lisa on Sunday night and I thought she was home, but she apparently went out to see fireworks on Sunday with someone. I'm curious as to who but chose to not ask. She called my early Monday to go sailing and then realized she had a commitment all afternoon. I swear I just want to see her in a bathing suit. I guess I'm a little perv.

Sunday, July 3, 2005

What I did

Friday night was different than I thought it would be. I called Tracy from work and she was in the local bar near the office and I should stop in. So I did. Got there and there were a bunch of people from her office that I had never met but I made myself comfortable and had a nice time. We stayed until about 7 which worked out well as I would still have time to go see my parents then maybe meet Janet at Steamboat by nine.

Well the LIRR put a wrench into that plan. It seems that someone stepped in from of a train which stopped all trains from leaving Penn Station. We all got off the train at 8 o'clock and went back to the office and took a car service home instead. I ended not getting home until well past 10. Called Janet's cell and she was at Steamboat but wasn't staying. So I missed that. Still, I asked Tracy to come out for the fireworks on Monday. She seemed interested. I'll call her and see.

So I went home had one beer and went to sleep early.  It was good thing too as I didn't get a good night sleep on Saturday. I had dinner with Mom abd Dad then as I was driving home I got a call on the cell from Lisa who was buying a bottle of wine and wanted to share it with me. So I went staight there. She hadn't eaten so we also made a side trip so she could get some pizza. We relaxed and drank a 1.5 ltr bottle of merlot. We sat on her from steps and even went for a nice walk. With Lisa I always enjoy the simple things. Just sitting and talking was just fine.

So we finished the wine and decided - like always - we wanted more. So we went to a local place and ordered up 2 glasses of wine. I soon realized I was a little more drunk than I needed to be but she always makes me feel so energized I just went with it. We even had a moment when we hugged which probably started me thinking. So we had our fill and headed back to her house.

So I told her I couldn't drive home and she said I could stay. Of course that means the couch. Still we were sitting on the floor of her livingroom which turned into laying on the floor, which turned into me giving her a massage. I must have been pushing my luck a little as we got into a truth or dare.  I don't remember what questions we asked but I was afraid maybe I went too far. I might have even made a pass, or asked if I could sleep with her... too tired to remember details but I do remember her going into her room and closing the door leaving me to sleep on the couch, as usual. Next morning I left before she woke up.

Friday, July 1, 2005

Weekend Plans

I wish I knew what I should do. Might spend an hour at Steamboat and then go see if Nancy's party is worth while. Last I saw of Janet she said she would be at Steamboat tonight. I'll need to check that out. Of course, Janet just wants to be friends and Nancy is just crazy. Maybe I should call Tracy.

I went out on a fishing boat last night with Joe and his son. That was fun although we didn't catch many fish. It was a nice night on the water.... not much wind. While I was out there Lisa chimed in with a text message. She was looking for some wine after 11. Too bad I was out on the water. I expect I'll see her Saturday.