Friday, January 27, 2012

New direction

I'm back. Did you even notice I was gone. I've missed a few days of blogging just to clear my head. Lisa is out and Janet is in. I called her last night and asked her out for dinner. I want to avoid the D-word (date). We have been friends for too long even though we haven't spent much time together in the last year.
I was just wanting to reach out to someone different since my phone calls to Carolyn lead only to ambivalence from her and Lisa lives with her boyfriend so I wasn't calling her either. I need to leave them both behind until they figure out what they want. In both cases it's probably not me.
My call to Janet lasted almost an hour. It was like she really wanted to hear from me. While we chatted about everything that was going on I realized how much I miss her. So without intending to make a plan before I called I just decided to see if she could come out for dinner Saturday. We will go to our favorite Italian place, which just happens to be right near my house. I have very limited expectations but I plan to clean the house just in case.
That was pretty much the highlight of my week. Sometimes it's feast and sometimes it's famine. I mean last week I was out for dinner on Wednesday with Carolyn and then again on Thursday with Lisa. So what happens is Friday and Saturday I'm alone. The this week I stayed in and now at least I have a Saturday night to look forward to.
Since I last spoke to Carolyn I can't decide how I want to proceed. I have been asking her out for something on a weekend and for the most part she is either non-committal and then accepts at the last minute or she just bails completely. I want her to realize that if she dismisses me I can just as easily find someone else. She probably knows that so I should just not get too excited about her anymore. Easier said than done but I'm trying. Not too long ago I had high hopes.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Too much time on my hands.

I have way too much time to think right now. I was relaxing in front of the television last night wish I had someone to talk to. And when I say "some one", I probably mean Lisa. I've been pretty lucky the last few weeks to have her come visit me and now I'm starting to crave it. It doesn't need to be her but the last few occurrences it has been just her. So last night I was feeling a little lonely.
When I have time to myself I get to go over all that events of the weekend. How Lisa gave me a little extra hug before I left on Sunday. How we were able to enjoy a simple cup of coffee on Sunday morning after the gym. I have these feelings that I want to verbalize. Thing is it isn't even necessary. Lisa knows how much I like her. She always has. I have never wavered from that, even though I know it would be better for me if I could lose all hope and move on. I try. It's just she can pull me close to her with just a single look.
And as I sit and think I can reminisce about all the things we have shared. I know she must remember those moments fondly. We've shared good times and bad times. When she was so far away living in Arizona I would be the last one she would talk to at night. But something always kept was from being together. Either my hesitation or hers. My lack of something she wants is not something I can fix.
The situation is out of control in so many ways. Lisa lives with a guy. They are or were engaged. He is a good guy, but Lisa says their love is dead. I want to step up but I don't really get a sense that ends well for me.
So I sit alone and dream of a life I can't have and I am paralyzed from moving any any other direction. I can't even talk about this to anyone for fear that I'll just come off as a wimpy dreamer who can't even get one girl (any girl) to fall for me.
Okay. The pity party is over. Moving on.

Monday, January 23, 2012

You can lead a horse to water.

The peaks and valleys seem to be less and less. Not a lot things happening either way. That is probably self-inflicted. I have pretty much eliminated from my day to day life anyone who creates drama.
After having dinner with Carolyn last Wednesday I have yet to see her again. When I spoke to her on the phone on Friday she seemed so non-committal that I just refused to reach out to her again. I keep going to that well and coming away thirsty. Sometimes it's easier just to stay home. Of course, last time I said that she called me and we ended up going out for dinner.
The only other person I saw was Lisa. It started as just to have a cup of coffee after going to the gym. Then I was invited to see her sister's family. Her nephew is a marine and was home on leave. He was heading back to base on Monday so I agreed to stop by for the going away event. I knew Lisa would be there but wasn't sure about Carmine. He was there too. Now don't get me wrong, I think C is a good guy, but with all the things Lisa has confided in me about I have trouble figuring out what to say and do. They still appear like a couple but everyone knows it's false. At least that is the impression Lisa has given. I did my best and I was glad to see the marine before he left. I made sure not to stay very long.
There is no understanding anymore. Things are just going to play out and I can only stand by and watch. I'm still no player. If Lisa wants a change it won't come from me. If I can get anything going it isn't going to be anyone I currently have in my life. Life right now is as slow as molasses.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Carpe Diem

Last night Lisa invited me to have dinner with her. She wanted to try a new restaurant that one of her friends just opened. She called it a grand opening but it just seemed like a regular night to me. I had expected she would see some other friends there but it was just me and her at a quiet table enjoying a good bottle of wine.
As we were talking I swear I could see her get a warm glow and I can almost see her look at me different, as if she wants me. But then I can almost literally see her talk herself out of it and move away from me at the same time. As long as I've known her I get this sense that she sees me differently than anyone else and I've never been able to figure out what I can do to change it. I know she loves being with me but will always move away whenever I draw close to her. The few times she has responded she goes off alone and comes back with a changed attitude. One day I will figure out what I need to do. Carpe diem.
And now the weekend is coming. I have this urge to just stay in and hibernate. I have been going out during the week a lot more than I'm used to. Dinner with Carolyn on Wednesday and dinner with Lisa on Thursday. It's getting expensive. Maybe I need to save a bit and stay home. When I see an opportunity I will probably forget all about this.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

A Quickie

It didn't take long for me to break. I took Carolyn out for dinner last night. She called me about something else and I just wanted to see her. So I did. After I made that plan I got a text from Lisa about tonight. We are going to a new restaurant. So I broke again. Worse yet to go I need to break a plan I had to see Coleen. Yes. Coleen, who I hardly even think about anymore. We were going to have a dinner at a Indian restaurant that I know she likes. But it was not a definite plan and she has a BF so perhaps she will get over it. I figure I can change plans for her. I would love it if she got upset but she won't because she only sees me in a casual way.
I missed my train this morning. This is becoming something that happens about once a week. If I struggle getting to sleep I then can't seem to get myself going in the morning. I hope it's a wintertime phenomenon and when sunrise starts occurring earlier I will start getting up on time. I just feel so tired all the time during my work day.
Not much else. Short blog today.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

What I did last weekend

I took a break from posting yesterday. It wasn't that I didn't have anything to say though. I was just struggling with what I most wanted to rant about.
I suddenly find myself spending lots of time with Lisa. She called me up and we watched the Giant game together. While she was with me we talked a lot about her dead relationship. She was telling me about how she was still trying on Saturday but again it did not go the way she wants it. She told me her boyfriend finally admitted he considered their relationship over. For the first time she was no longer wearing her ring. But then Lisa would waffle. She still seems determined to work it out. At least for one more week.
Meanwhile the Giants were kicking butt. I hardly watched the first half while we talked but then in the second half we focused on the game. I thought maybe we could have a deeper conversation one the game ended but as soon as the clock said zero she grabbed her coat and was out the door. She didn't want to get home super late so I let her go.
We were drinking wine all through the game so it wasn't long after she left that I went to bed. It wasn't even 10 PM and I had Monday off for MLK Day. But I was out like a light. To my surprise my phone rings at about midnight. WTF. It was Carolyn. Again - not a booty call. It seemed her daughter was out somewhere and had a flat tire. She wanted me to fix it. I told her to call AAA and I went back to sleep. I had asked her out for Friday night and she told me she felt a cold coming on and kind of just blew me off. So I was not about to put myself out. Not in the condition I was in. I feel more than a little used. I may go out with her again but not until she makes me feel less like a tool. I have a feeling she won't.
I know the advice I get from Josie and Cindy should be heeded. I'm not stupid. I see the handwriting on the brick wall that I am pounding my head on. But there is none so blind as those who will not see. Change is hard.

Friday, January 13, 2012

It's all about me

It's Friday and I'm at work. There is plenty to do but here I am wondering what to post about. We are off Monday for MLK day. With a three day weekend ahead you might think I have some kind of grand plan but no such luck. I seem to be stuck between wanting to see Lisa but only trying to see Carolyn, who still refuses to commit to anything I suggest.
While my preference is Lisa, she is still somebody else's girl so I know better than to even ask. At least until she officially takes off the "little rock", which she says will happen any day. Yesterday she convinced me to meet her at the gym and then she failed to show. That was fine. I work out whether she goes or not. But that is the one pretext I have to see her. We still talk most every day. It is a very sad situation but change is hard.
Earlier this week I had my one conversation with Carolyn. They seem to occur less and less often. She almost never reaches out to me lately. But then when I least expect it I get a call about something. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas we saw each other a lot but then since then not too much. The last thing we spoke about was plans for Friday night. She wanted to see some band that was playing locally and I said I would gladly take her but she still wouldn't confirm it. She holds off making the decision until the very last minute which is really starting to aggravate me. When she has done this in the past I have made other plans and she would then call me when I've already moved on. Even though I know it's her fault I always feel regret.
Carolyn just replied to an email I sent before lunch with this;
"I will have to get back to you later. Feel like I'm coming down with a cold."
While I have no doubt she isn't feeling well I also feel a little taken for granted. Like she still isn't sure so keeps me on the hook.
I don't want to make a big deal about it but this is really not doing anything good for my self esteem. If I had another option I would for sure take it.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

So It Goes

Due to the fact that I had my sleep interrupted on Monday night by a work issue I figured I should not post yesterday. I was too tired and grumpy. There is almost nothing worse than a call at 1:30 in the morning that requires a full hour and a half to resolve. On top of that there was a 2 plus hour meeting scheduled for Tuesday morning. Not a good thing when I've not had the proper amount of sleep. But I got through it and made it to Wednesday.
I made it into the gym after work and saw Lisa there. She talked me into going and even though it was a short workout I'm feeling soreness. Afterwards I went home and had a nice dinner and was vegetating on the couch when the cell phone went off. Jumped up and saw it was a call from Carolyn. It was 9:30 so I was a little surprised. "Booty call?" Not likely. She sounded stressed and asked if I felt like going for a ride. I didn't feel like playing 20 questions so I came right out and asked her to get to the point. It seems her college age daughter Monica was at a bar and felt that she shouldn't drive home so Carolyn wanted me to take her to Huntington so she could pick Monica up along with the car. Of course I was there in 20 minutes. I haven't seen Carolyn in more than 2 weeks. I was hoping thing could evolve in a good way but I was so tired all I wanted to do was get things taken care of and get home so I could sleep. If something was ever going to happen it wouldn't be now. Maybe there will be dividends at a later date.
The drive took about 30 minutes so we did have time to talk. Carolyn was asking about what I've been doing. I was evasive in details. I wasn't going to tell her much. I wasn't going to ask what she was doing. If I wasn't so tired I could have taken the opportunity to tell her some of the things I want to change. But I can wait. It wasn't as if I expect her to have a long drawn out discussion. But I would like it if we could make a plan. In my mind I'm thinking dinner on Friday night. It will take a phone call tonight to set it up. We will see.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Poof! Another weekend gone by.

Friday, Saturday and Sunday go by way too fast. I can't believe it's Monday already. Not even like I did much. I skipped off on the gym completely. I needed to go food shopping and I blew that off as well. I considered going on Saturday afternoon but just bummed around the house instead. I did get out and ran a few errands but then the football games came on and that was it for me. I didn't even get up to the bar. Of course I was there Friday night so it was easy for me to not go Saturday. In fact I felt a little hung over the entire day.
On late Saturday I got en email from Lisa and I agreed to help her look at a new place to live. She wanted to see if she could find a co-op apartment similar to mine. Since there were no open houses where I live she started looking for some on her own. She decided to look at Queens which I'm not crazy about but it's her life and if she wants Queens I can at least go and keep her company. I do feel like I am going to my own funeral. I would hate it if she lived so far away. I'd really like it if she lived where I live.
And that may still happen since none of the places we went to seems like it is a good fit for her. She really wants to be closer to her sister though. The places we sent to were only a mile or so from there and after looking we stopped in and ended up being there until almost dinner time. She needed to go home and make dinner for Carmine. He still has no idea Lisa is looking for a new place to land after she leaves. I've been encouraging her to say something but she is holding off until she has an idea of where she is going. She tells me they haven't had sex since April 15th. When I say I find that a little hard to believe she gives me more details than I ever wanted so I kind of believe it. I'm not talking about that just yet.
I got home from this and said good night to Lisa by about 7-ish. I then set about making dinner and while doing that I got a call from Carolyn. I haven't seen her since Christmas and haven't heard from her since she decided to spend New Years Eve home alone rather than see me. We spoke for a bit and I didn't let on as to how hurt I was that she didn't call me after I had asked her to do something and she said no. I just didn't have the energy to make a big deal out of things. I may just let this Carolyn thing just whither and die. I am just not wanting to have any expectations.
And with that I ended my weekend by going to bed at a reasonable time and getting a good night's rest before dragging my butt back into the office. The beginning of another long week. Ugh!

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Stuck in the Middle with no one.

Today I left my house without my cell phone. It's like a part of me has been left behind. It's not as if anyone ever calls me but I'm ever the optimist. But today I have to suck it up until I get home. If anyone calls me they will need to wait.
I will need to make haste when I get home and turn it around quickly. I can pick up the middle piece to the entertainment center that my new TV will sit on. They will only be available until 7 so I'm going to need to really push it since I can't even get home until at least 6.
Then the problem will be getting it into the house and up the stairs. I had asked Chris to assist me and I still hope that he will. Once in I can handle it from there I think. Then I'll be happy.
It takes so little to make me happy. God knows I can't seem to effect anything else right now. It feels as if I will be spending a lot more time in front of the TV this winter. The cat is happy about that.
Since it seems like I am kind of between things I am using this time to try and get things done around the house. I've been checking off my list for the last three weekends. I have most of the crap put into storage and still have a few things that need to be put somewhere. Since I've moved in I've used me spare room as a dumping ground for anything I don't feel like putting away. Or even throwing out. I want to use that as an office so I need to get the junk out.
I've always noticed that your home is a mirror image for your life. I cluttered, messy unorganized house usually belongs to someone who has a life that is the same way. But the opposite of that isn't really appealing either. A home that has everything put away and looks like a museum is a little more anal retentive for me. I hope to find a middle ground. Soon.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Changing the rules.

My New Years Eve was nothing to speak of. I made one attempt to see if Carolyn would make a plan and when she didn't I remained at home for the evening. I considered getting out but thought better of it. I had asked Carolyn to call me one way or another and I haven't heard from her since. I'm thinking the best thing for me now is to put some distance between us. I haven't been having any fun with her lately so it's easy for me to just fade out. I'm sure there will be a call somewhere down the road.
I did spend a lot of time with Lisa. She and I met at the gym Saturday and Monday and then did stuff together the rest of each day. Yesterday we just relaxed and drank some wine. It was a good day but I can't help but be frustrated. She left at dinner time.
I needed to run some errands and at some point I wandered into the bar and saw my friend Chris there. I hadn't seen him in a while so I was glad to say hello. While I was there Coleen dropped in. She was anxious to make a plan to have dinner but I'm not sure I want to. I made a tentative plan for Thursday. She said she had spent her NYE alone. Her BF has a job that requires him to work odd hours so I just assumed he worked. She made her choice.
I had several phone calls from my neighbor Esther. She was baking and needed some eggs. I found out she was laid off from her job. I was shocked to find out she worked very close to Lisa's brother-in-law, Frank. He also was let go. It made for an interesting conversation when I next spoke to Lisa.
I don't know how I feel about things right now. There is distance right now between me and almost everyone. It's more my doing than anyone elses so I shouldn't feel too disappointed. I am content with how things are. What ever comes next will have to find me because I'm not going out looking.