Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Too much time on my hands.

I have way too much time to think right now. I was relaxing in front of the television last night wish I had someone to talk to. And when I say "some one", I probably mean Lisa. I've been pretty lucky the last few weeks to have her come visit me and now I'm starting to crave it. It doesn't need to be her but the last few occurrences it has been just her. So last night I was feeling a little lonely.
When I have time to myself I get to go over all that events of the weekend. How Lisa gave me a little extra hug before I left on Sunday. How we were able to enjoy a simple cup of coffee on Sunday morning after the gym. I have these feelings that I want to verbalize. Thing is it isn't even necessary. Lisa knows how much I like her. She always has. I have never wavered from that, even though I know it would be better for me if I could lose all hope and move on. I try. It's just she can pull me close to her with just a single look.
And as I sit and think I can reminisce about all the things we have shared. I know she must remember those moments fondly. We've shared good times and bad times. When she was so far away living in Arizona I would be the last one she would talk to at night. But something always kept was from being together. Either my hesitation or hers. My lack of something she wants is not something I can fix.
The situation is out of control in so many ways. Lisa lives with a guy. They are or were engaged. He is a good guy, but Lisa says their love is dead. I want to step up but I don't really get a sense that ends well for me.
So I sit alone and dream of a life I can't have and I am paralyzed from moving any any other direction. I can't even talk about this to anyone for fear that I'll just come off as a wimpy dreamer who can't even get one girl (any girl) to fall for me.
Okay. The pity party is over. Moving on.

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