Friday, July 23, 2010

TGIF once more

I've had way too much alone time this week. All this thinking is making me feel down. Not ready for the weekend. It's going to be hot this weekend. I don't know what I'm going to do since none of my friends really want to make plans with me. Or maybe I'm not making plans with them. Some how it's happening that way. Can't make plans, or won't make plans, or have other plans. I spent last evening reading a book on the boat on a beautiful summer evening. I'll be reading a lot this weekend. I can at least feel like I've gotten something done.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Sync problems

I've been trying to write a new post most of the day. I want to add a picture or two but it keeps causing my internet to slow to a crawl. Probably time to upgrade the pc but that won't happen for a while.

I have been feeling very odd and out of sync lately. I decided I'm done playing Coleen's game and trying to just get her out of my thoughts. I doubt she even notices since she isn't interested in me anyway. I've tried this before and I got sucked back in so I will probably be singing a different tune next week but for now I want to focus on things that work and not things that will never happen.

Brings me to Janet. She is the most attractive girl I've ever gotten close to but she has never looked like a romantic option ever. And yet she got miffed at me when I spent time with Coleen and not her. So i decided to spend more time with her. We actually spent a lot of time together this past weekend and she even joined me for a day out on the water. We also had her daughter's dog, Brody. It was the most ideal day I've had in so long I can't remember. I called it my most perfect day. But in the end I went my way and she went hers.

So earlier this week I got tickets to see a concert and the first person I wanted to go was Janet... but her response is that she really doesn't want to go. This is what keeps happening ... and why I don't have any strong attachments to Janet. She is there one day and not there the next.

So I am dealing with a little loneliness. I have plenty of friends but not that special significant other. I still have my cat Tigger to always keep me company. For now that will have to be enough.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Wednesday Blahs

I'm back in the office after working from home for a week. I overslept this morning and took a later train. No one even really noticed but that train was much more crowded. After the quiet lonely Monday and Tuesday I've had it's almost good to come into the office. If only I wasn't so tired. I'm actually falling asleep just writing this.

I can finally feel relaxed in my new home. There are still a few things to do but nothing major. I guess I need to plan some kind of party. Maybe the last day of July. Don't know who to invite either. I guess I'll figure it out this weekend.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Another summer weekend goes by

It's Monday again. Still alcohol free. Not even sure anymore how long. I had some temptations this weekend but I got through it fine.

Friday night I was out in the village square where there is live music and that brought out a lot of people who I haven't seen. Ran into Donna who some 20+ years back worked with me at the grocery store. I also saw Abby who also worked there. We are all so much older now. They haven't changed much. Donna is married with 3 kids and Abby is divorced with at least 2. one of the things about moving close to where you grew up is you can expect to run into old friends.

I dropped my Debit card in the parking lot and had no idea until I heard from Jeff that he had found it. That would never had happened where I used to live.

Saturday I just bummed around the house. I finally got my pictures hung on the walls. Lisa came by and helped me with that. I wish she could have stayed longer but she was gone after about 2 hours. I went over to see my sister at around 5 and learned she was having a girls night out and I asked Kenny if he wanted to go for BBQ dinner out. We ate and went down to the water as the sun went down. It was peaceful ... not stress. While we were chatting I get a text message from Coleen. I wish I had ignored it but I sent back a couple of responses. I made the mistake of saying I would call in the morning.

So Sunday I found out Coleen would be at the beach and so would Janet and Roberta and the rest of the catty woman. I saw Janet early who was going to do stuff before going to the beach. When I got to the beach I found Coleen who was sitting apart from everyone except Jimmy. I stayed there and while there all of Coleen's "boys" showed up. I should have never stayed but I did. Won't be making that mistake again. I did go over and see Janet and Roberta and the others. Got a very cold response from the girls. Maybe I won't be going to the beach any more. I'll just go out on the boat.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Independence Day 2010

The 4th of July holiday weekend has come and gone. Nothing huge happened so it can be a little difficult to make sound interesting. But it may have been the most perfect holiday in memory. No stress, no drama and no drinking. I am starting to think those things go hand in hand.

To start with the weather was hot, hot, hot. To cool off I spent the weekend either in my sister's pool or swimming off the boat in the bay. It was a nice way to go.

My weekend got off to a slow start because on Thursday night I was trying to fix my rack of 3000 CD's when they fell and I then had all of them on the floor. I was able to get the shelves fixed in no time but then every spare minute I was spending getting the CD's back in order.

I was able to take Friday off from work so I spent part of the day with my mom who is visiting from Florida. We went shopping for a few things including some plants for me to put out by my front door. I am trying to make my home look like a real person lives here. Or at least attempting to make visitors feel welcome. Maybe it is more for me.

Friday night I spent with Janet and Roberta outside watching a Latin music band. It was a little boring so we went to a tiki bar we know and hung out there. I was ready to go early but stayed until about 10.

Saturday my plan was to get the boat all spic-n-span so that people wouldn't be disgusted when they came out for the fireworks on Sunday night. My sister (Maryliz) and my mom helped ... well, actually they kind of did all of it. I wanted to clean but apparently my standard of clean is not what it should be. I have trouble getting through the clutter. I know I tend to hoard things and sometimes it's best if you just let someone else get rid of all the stuff you don't need. Besides. I needed to take the cat to the vet and the appointment that was available was at 11:30 ... right in the middle of the day. Still my sister was cleaning until after 3 PM on a hot day. While I was there the whole time I would never have been able to do that. I would have quit in 2 hours. It does look nice all cleaned and no junk all over the place.

That night we all went to dinner and I felt honored to pick up the tab for all the hard work they did. Sunday was the 4th and Maryliz planned a pool party and BBQ at her house after which we would take the boat out into the bay for fireworks show. It was a perfect uneventful day. I must say that not drinking gave me more confidence. I was calm and in charge. I was a little disappointed that some of the friends I have failed to come aboard. Just Chris who joined me last year was there. He has some experience on a boat so it's always good when he comes aboard. I didn't really need it though. Maryliz took care of the galley and Kenny took care of things up on deck. All I needed to worry about was driving the boat.

I did see Coleen briefly on Sunday. She called me and we took a ride to Macy's so she could return an item she had bought the week before. I had planned for her to go on the boat but she said she was not coming for the fireworks. She had made another plan. I was a little disappointed to hear that but to tell you the truth ... she is probably giving more stress than anyone right now so it was better for me not to have her go. Still it was good to at least see her over the 4 day weekend.

Monday I was off from work so I took the boat out again ... it was 95 degrees so I needed to cool off. Chris was off too so we both went out into the bay and just swam off the back of the boat until about 5. That was my weekend ... no real news. Just a regular time with friends and family. No fights, no arguments, no drama.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

New month and a new post

Wow - I've made it to July. I am now all moved and living the good life in my new digs. The boat has been feeling neglected so I will be getting more into that in the coming weeks.

Still not drinking. It's now 40 days and counting. Although I try not to dwell on it. I don't see much that's different than before. I'm not looking forward or backwards as much. Just dealing with the here and now. It's funny how patience pays off.

Last night I went to see big band music in a park. Lisa called to say she was going with her sister and husband and if I wanted to go I should call. So I did go and I expected her to be there with Carmine but he couldn't make it. I feel so awkward around Lisa now. We are not as close as we once were and I know that distance is probably healthier than what we had before. It's certainly less frustrating. Her sister Ellen said I seem so much more quiet now. I'm not sure if she meant because I am not drinking or just that I didn't make much conversation. Maybe both.

Last Sunday I saw Janet and Jami for dinner. It was Janet's birthday Friday and Jami's was that day. They were both having drinks to celebrate and at the end of the night I offered to drive since i had only soda. Janet gave me her keys and Jami insisted on driving even though she had much too much to drink. In fact she followed me to Janet's to give me a ride back to my car ... which was only 2 blocks away. I got mad and told her she needs to just get home. So she got mad and now we aren't really talking although she was so hammered she probably is more okay about it than I am.

I ended the evening talking to Janet and was actually looking like she was waiting for me to make a move but I'm pretty sure that's just in my head. Can't really go there with someone I now know only as a friend for 6 years even if she is the most attractive woman I know.

I still can't seem to shake these thoughts of Coleen. I know she only wants me as a friend and I want to accept that but I am always scheming of ways to get closer to her. Here is another one. She is going to see a big concert in NJ and taking Dave. The last conversation she had with me was how she was regretting the whole thing. And now she tells me Dave hasn't called her back to arrange the trip there. I almost wanted to say I'll go in his place ... but I can't. It would be bad for so many reasons.