Monday, November 30, 2009
I want a change of direction. I am about to rid myself of debt so I can again start planning my future and stop waiting for money issues to clear up. We will see.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
No pictures. I've about given up on taking my camera anywhere. Don't see the point since no one thinks I take the right kind of pictures. Maybe that will change soon.
I spend more and more time with Janet. I only think it's because we both have nothing else going on. We have been enjoying each other's company but no more than that. At least it keeps me from Coleen. I've been getting used to not having her around any more. She actually called me on Saturday although I don't understand why. She has plans to travel with Mark and she says just as friends. I hear this and just want to move on. So I'm not calling her and not going out of my way to see her and most of all I'm not making these little plans in my head to get close to her. At least she still calls me although I don't see why.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
I will start with Angela. She was a fix up from a friend of mine I know through the boat dock. Hank asked if I was interested and I stupidly said I was. She was mostly interested in sailing and since I felt I wanted to do that I asked her to come out for an evening sail. I mostly just wanted to shake things uo but honestly I couldn't wait until it was over. It was a nice evening but I made sure not to say anything committal and when I said good night my intention was that I wouldn't go out with her again. She ended up calling me about 5 times but I haven't seen her since.
While my concert with Coleen was fun I decided to distance myself from her. Since I took her to that I have been seeing less and less of her. In fact she did something that at the time I thought was mostly thoughtless on her part. It was Friday night happy hour and I went to the bar hoping I might see her in addition to other friends I hadn't seen in a while. Seems like many other had the same idea, as Janet was there along with Chris and Jami and Dave ... just about everybody I hang out with on Friday nights. So I go in mostly hoping to talk to Coleen and she is there as always. But she is talking to everyone it seems but me.... and says she sees Bunky of all people and needs to see him about something and she says this loud enough that everyone hears .... then the next thing I know she is gone. Both Chris and Janet separately said - what was up with that. I was annoyed but I just sucked it down and tried to let it go. I keep making little plans in my head and not I try to dismiss them. I don't need to spend anymore time thinking about her.
Janet and went to see Loggins and Messina and I had a great time but Janet didn't seem to really get into it. She just isn't into that kind of music. I really like her and we seem to be spending so much time together but she can be so cold that I can't picture ever getting close to her.
Oh well... I'm getting back to work... more later.
Monday, August 3, 2009
It was a non-drinking event too. That's the second time we were able to be out and not drunk and still having a good time. I worry too much. I guess my sister has me more self-conscious than need be.
I did get a call from Janet while I was out. She was looking for something to do on a rainy day. I never know what to expect with her. I know there is no romance from that direction but she keeps reaching out to me. Like she isn't really sure. My timing is always off. I think I'm going to try to spend more time with Janet in the next few weeks.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
I still spend way more time with Coleen than anyone else. If I go back and read the earlier blogs I see myself wanting to get closer to her and now I am. When I think on that I feel like I can almost accomplish anything. That being said I've really hit the wall. It's gone as far as I want it to go. She still considers Mark her guy even though she barely talks to him and sees him maybe once a month. Still he asked her to take off to spend a weekend away with him and she went.
My other friends Janet and Roberta are still giving me a hard time but they haven't abandoned me. I have been going out of my way to keep them separate and they called me on it this week. I simply said that I don't want to "compartmentize" my friends but I feel I can't get in the middle when friends of mine are not able to be friends. I still fail to understand why it's so bad that to be in the same room is so uncomfortable but I've given up on trying to change it.
So I'm here on a beautiful Saturday morning and I have nothing to do. Last night I went dancing with Roberta and Janet even though I had hopes of going with Coleen. It was supposed to be an outdoor event but it rained so thing moved indoors. Coleen said if it's inside she wouldn't bother. I considered blowing it off and going home early, but I'm glad I went. Dancing is so much fun. I may have made a spectacle out of myself but no one seems to mind. It ended at 10:30. Coleen said she would call me later but my cell phone never did ring. I had a feeling she was seeing Mark. Which means she sat on the couch watching TV and Mark drank beer until he passes out. What a catch. Janet and Roberta wanted to go out some more but my limited budget said I should break for home and get some food. Since I didn't eat dinner I went home and had some leftovers. Went to bed by 11:30.
There is more weekend left so I need to shut this off and get to it.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
The real kicker is my sister called me to say I need to go to an AA meeting. She thinks I have a drinking problem, which I'm not sure I want to argue with her about. I just think I need to take a long hard look in the mirror. I want to tell my friends but they all probably have bigger drinking problems than me. So I've been rolling that over in my head all week.
So here I am doing this rather than working. I am considering going away this weekend alone and doing some soul searching. That and I just want to take the boat away and no one else is that interested in joining me. I might be causing this situation, I don't know. I think I have been dissing my friends for Coleen, but given a choice I have been choosing her and that was not what I wanted, it's the way my friends have made it.
Monday, July 6, 2009
My dad is currently battling cancer, emphysema and just old age. So it was pretty emotional when I left because there is a very real possibility he can be gone before my next visit. We did a lot of talking and had some real bonding moments. We also did a few projects he wanted done. It's really hard to get him to slow down, but mom says it's because he doesn't want us to know he's not able to keep up as much. He would get fatigued but wouldn't stop until he almost passes out. But he is still doing all the things he needs to and gets up early and moves around fine. I guess what I'm most afraid of is that he won't let us know how sick he is until it's so bad he will be in the hospital. My plan is to make another trip down in the fall. I just hope his health is still good.
Once again I have been finding myself seeing more and more of Coleen. I've never been like this with anyone. We are still just being friends, but lately she is all I can think about. I really love her. I was spending a lot of time with Janet in the hopes that I can reset me mind onto something else. But it hasn't worked at all. Janet is so beautiful and thin and blond and I should be so attracted to her but there is nothing. I see Coleen and I just want to take her in my arms and make her mine. It doesn't really matter because I can't get to first base with either of them.
Last Friday I was out with Janet and some other friends and it was fine, not bad but nothing special either. We were listening to some outdoor music in the village. I kept hoping Coleen would come down, but she never did even though she knew I was there ... knew I was there with Janet. After the music ended we went into our favorite bar and I had hoped Coleen would be there but she had just left. After about 10 minutes my cell phone rang and it was Coleen. She was up the street but was heading home soon. So I was tired and thought I'd call it a night. Then I get in my car and do a drive by where Coleen was. I am walking in just as she is walking out. We sit for a little while and I have one more drink. Suddenly I'm not so tired. We made plans for the 4th, since she isn't seeing Mark. But she can't stay and she lives only a hundred feet away and walks home.
The Forth of July had to be one of the best days I've had in a long time. We spent the entire day together. I picked her up and we ran some errands to get things ready for the fireworks. Then we were at my sister's then her brother's then stopped and had a glass of wine. All the time she is with me. It made me feel warm and fuzzy. Then we went to the boat and waited for my family to come down to see the fireworks. There was a lot of wind but it was a clear warm evening. Everyone got on board and we saw a great show. Coleen looked like she was enjoying it and that made me glad. Back at the marina my family all left and we were visiting all the other people at the dock. Coleen was especially outgoing. It was so great to have her be a part of everything. We never really had a moment alone until it was time to go. There was one instant where she felt she needed to remind me that we are friends and there would be no overnight on the boat. When it got late I drove her home. It felt like neither one of us wanted to end the night so we took a drive by the high school just so we could sing a song together on the radio. It was a good moment. Then at her house she got out and I leaned in for a kiss and unfortunately got nothing but cheek. With that she was gone and I am left with the memory of a great day.
I wish I knew how to break this pattern of friendships with girls I like. I know I need to be more upfront about what I want from people but I'm just not able to. I shouldn't have hopes but I still do. I'm just counting the minutes until the next thing. I play this over and over in my mind but it never works out the way I would like it to. I can ask the question, but I think I know the answer will be "No, I don't like you like that". So how can I make this change? It will but meanwhile I ache.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
My summer blast off started when I hosted my annual picnic on Saturday. That is also the day they have fireworks right near the park where my boat is kept. The weather could not have been better. The forecast was for possible rain late in the day. My hopes were for anything to happen after midnight. Turns out the rain never came at all.
My biggest issue was from work on Friday into Saturday. Under duress I was forced to support an implementation on Friday night. Very stressful and even though there were no problems I had to be awake from 3 a.m. until dawn. This left me with 3 hours of sleep for my picnic. I wasn't so much as tired as I was just grumpy. But I pushed on.
So my day was really good. Everyone had plenty to eat and drink. There are things I'd like to do different. Getting more sleep next year will be first on my list. I was more than a little disappointed that Lisa decided to skip the entire day. I feel like I don't even know her anymore.
The rest of my weekend went fine. I saw Coleen on Sunday. It was casual. I hadn't seen her in a while so it was good but still no changes. I saw her again on Memorial Day at Jami's party. I spent more time talking to Janet than Coleen. Obviously, I need to focus on other things. And I am doing that.
Not much more to the weekend. No excitement, but no drama either. Lots of good time with friends. I couldn't ask for a better weekend although it would be better if I could have the love I search for.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
So I'm watching Hitch and I so wish it was real life. The movie make all things possible. It's done so well. Albert is so much the every man. The Q-tip... ha!. I'm staying home. So I'm wanting to say a lot but not so much.
My life lately has been more about Janet and I get such mixed messages right now I can't understand how I should feel. Janet is such an angel and I can't believe I get to be a part of her life. And she calls me and makes me feel as if I am as important to her as anyone.But at the same time i never ever get the romantic "I love you" vibe from her. Part of me is thinking she is just the kind of girl who wants to make her feelings like poker.God forbid anyone should see how she feels.
So the Saturday of Memorial Day Weekend I had a picnic for as many of my friends and family as would come. Coleen blew me off but I had barely invited her. Lisa blew me off too. That bothered me more than it should have. I feel like I barely know Lisa anymore.
So today I got a surprise visit from Coleen and of course I felt really honored. I made the most of it. I had her helping me on the boat. We got some really good things done and it seemed like we were bonding. Meanwhile I had told Janet I would be seeing her ... casually of course. So i felt like i was playing off who would give me the most likely satisfaction. And it's really neither. So frustrating. I'm so stupid. What can i do?Ugh....
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Easter has come and gone. My family got together at my brother Barry's house. Here is a picture of everyone. The parents were in Florida and Katie is there visiting but other than them we were complete for this. Even Danielle and her new fiance were there ... that's him to the far right.
That was 2 weeks ago. In the meantime I've been keeping busy going to the gym and getting my boat prepped for launch. I've been getting out too but nothing more than the usual. Not really getting to the gym enough and it really hits for a few days after I go. It does give me a chance to see Coleen somewhere other than the bar. Still, nothing is happening there.I also go to see not one but two Met games at the new Citi Field. I couldn't get tickets to any games last year and now I've been to 2 games in the first home stand. Unfortunately they lost both games I saw. Still it was fun to go. The first game I went with some guys from the office and then last Sunday I went with Mariana, her husband and Lisa.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Thursday night Lisa came for dinner. Her time here was so short and I barely felt like we'd even started when it was time for her to go. We spent a lot of time talking about her family. Mostly it's her dad who is suffering from Parkinson's and is having serious problems. Even with that it was so nice having someone here just to talk to instead of just me and the cat every night. Seems like my only social contact comes at the bar.
Speaking of the bar I was there last night for a couple of hours. I wasn't planning on going but I got home and didn't have any other plan and I knew Coleen would be there so I hopped in the car and went. Coleen was talking to her friend Don who is like 70 years old. That's him in the picture above. Then I saw Janet and sat with her. Coleen wasn't there very long so we never had any real conversation which was sad. I didn't stay long after that.
It's Saturday and it's raining. I decided to give Coleen a call this morning and see if we can meet
Monday, April 6, 2009
While cleaning I had a phone conversation with Coleen about joining a gym. So when I ventured out I picker her up and we went and both joined up. So now I have to start exercising for the first time in years. My first trip was Sunday morning and I went and picked up Coleen and we both did an hour. I figure it will be good if I can get myself into a healthier lifestyle even if I'm only using it to spend a little time to see Coleen.
So after signing up on Saturday Coleen and I went to the bar. I had been called in the afternoon by Janet and she asked if I would join them for dinner. Since at that time I didn't expect to see Coleen I had said I would. Then later Coleen asked if I would like to have dinner with her and like an idiot I was stumbled over how to either say no to Coleen or get out of the dinner with Janet and her friends. Eventually I told Coleen I had committed to dinner and she said I should go and she would have a different plan for dinner.
So this is what's wrong with me. I went to dinner but I was miserable. I mean I did what I thought was the right thing by honoring my initial commitment and having dinner with Janet, Roberta, Jami and Judy. It also felt like i was being punished because I was seen with Coleen. All this does is remind me why I was staying home for most of the winter.
I am having trouble deciding how I feel about who my friends are right now. It all seems to revolve around my feelings for Coleen. The thing is if she is only available as a friend I can learn to live with that. The rest of my friends aren't around nearly as much so why should I be made to feel like that's bad. I don't know what long term will be but I do seem to enjoy myself more around Coleen than anyone right now even if we are only friends. I guess I will need to just see where thing go.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Friday night I met Janet at out favorite Italian restaurant and while there I bumped into separately, my brother Brian with my sister-in-law Sue and her sister Marie who is visiting from Florida, and my cousin Bernadette, her daughter Erin and Erin's boyfriend George. So what might have been a quiet evening turned into a social even where I was bouncing from one table to the next. Janet was also see people she knew so we were both off on our own. As always she seemed fine with it. It was a fun night until the check came. They raised the price of a glass of wine from $5 to $7 which for us is a pretty big bump. And this after both Janet and I said we didn't want to spend too much. Oh well, at least it was a fun night out even if I spent $20 more than I intended.
Before leaving Bernadette and I were talking about how we both have pictures from Florida to share and my goal was to get there in the afternoon on Saturday. But with laundry not getting done til late by the time I got around to calling she had long gone out so I popped into the bar and that turned into a social event. I first arrive and right away I saw a familiar car in the lot. Coleen was there. I never heard back from her all week so I at first thought it would be nice to see her again. Jami was also there and as soon as I saw her she said she had just spoken to Janet who was on her way. So right away I knew there would be lots of people to talk to. Seemed like everyone was there except for Roberta, who said she needed to save some money and wasn't coming out. I guess we all seem to be having the same issues although I think there may be more to it than that.
There was an empty seat next to Coleen so I grabbed it and engaged in what ever topics of conversation came up. She seemed a little tense at first. Probably my lack of attention was getting to her but it was never discussed. After a while she relaxed and we talked. I was somewhat dismayed to find out she had Sunday plans to see Mark. This back and forth stuff just confirms to me that I am doing the right thing by avoiding her a little even though I miss being around her terribly. And I could feel myself wanting that while i was there. Lucky Janet engaged me in conversation that kept me from paying all my focus on that one thing. Still it was a fun evening with no feeling of getting too involved. I think it was because Roberta wasn't there. That helped Coleen relax and she stayed way longer than she had probably intended.
I'm starting to wonder if Roberta is really causing all the tension. She see things so black and white and can't seem to just let things be. It's making me wonder if I want Roberta to be that important to me. I just don't want her to be judgemental of everyone and every thing.
Janet and I went to see some other friends at another place and then I went home. Leaving Coleen behind. I did say goodbye and while I'd really like to call her today I won't. We will see what the week brings.
That's it for now.
Friday, March 27, 2009
This is my new shelving that I put together. The TV is flanked by my CD collection. I also purchased new lamps and side tables. New slipcovers for the couches. So far the cat has not shown the urge to scratch any of it. I've also been using blankets on the arms which had always been his favorite place to scratch.
So I was sitting back last night looking around at the room and I really like what I've done. I wish I had painted though. But that's just too much to do for now. Maybe next year I'll tackle that.
So who could I invite for one of my home cooked dinners? I'd really like it to be Coleen but I keep hear this little voice in my head saying I need to put her behind me. Lisa wants to have dinner but since she has a boyfriend she is always got plans. We talk every day, but we never do anything together anymore. I would love to get Janet and Roberta to join me either together or separately. But they are the ones that refuse to leave their own neighborhood.
At least I get to enjoy my new house. I'll probably be home by myself so I'll make the best of it. Just not very exciting compared to last year.
Monday, March 23, 2009
I did spend a lot of my time these last few months staying away and I might need to do that again. I'm weak and if I see her I just need to be near her so my best option is to not be in those situations. Which means I may need to not go to the bar any more.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
It was a thrill to see him out in the bay. He didn't leave right away, but swam around close to shore for 10 minutes or so. The person in charge explained that one of the seals from an earlier release has been staying in the area for weeks before migrating north.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
About 2 weeks ago I decided I wanted to feel better about who I am and how I live. My focus became how my living room is so out of date. Everywhere I looked was clutter. My entertainment unit was old and sagging in the middle. I had CD's laying about with no where to put them. My couches are just chairs with an assortment of blankets atop them. I wanted to make my place presentable. Give myself someplace I could feel good about. So I've been going to Ikea and other stores looking for ideas.
So out went the TV unit. I got myself a shelf system called IVAR and have begun to make changes bit by bit. The thing I like about Ikea is their stuff is modular. I can start with one piece and build on it. Next I want to do something with the couches. I can't really afford new ones but I've been looking at slipcovers. Seems my couches are fairly standard sized love seats. At first I looked online and found some interesting ideas there but then I went to a discount chain and found one marked down to $15. When I got to the register it actually rang up for just $5. "Woohoo" I thought. My luck didn't last long though as when I got home I found it to be for a much smaller chair than I have. But I still think it's a good plan. Probably going to cost about $30 to $40 a chair.
In other news, I had a nice dinner last Saturday with the girls at Roberta's house. Actually was there real late. A bunch of us are making plans for the summer to take some trips on the boat. Some of that was fueled by too much wine, but it would be nice if I could do more on the boat this year. Still at least 10 weeks away from launch.
I got a call from Coleen as I was riding home from work on the train. At first I put the ringer on silent and put the phone away. But it was eating away at me so when I got off the train I listened to her message and called her back. She was with Mark so we didn't talk long. She wanted to make a plan for going out for Indian food, but I refused to make a plan. It was a short conversation and I'm so sick of how flighty she can be. I'm sure her call was more about getting attention from Mark than about how I am. I'm letting go more and more.
Of course I am a little less hopeful because of this. I guess I had been obsessing for so long I still don't know how to be anything else. Which is why I am trying to get my home looking better. Gives me something else to focus or obsess on.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
As I am typing this I've just answered the phone and spoken to Coleen. She said she would call and we spoke but nothing serious. I have other plans so I am not seeing her again this weekend.
So I have managed to isolate myself from anything remotely resembling a relationship. It was Lisa's birthday last week and it's Coleen's birthday next week. I haven't seen Lisa to give her her present and when I try to see how Coleen will spend her birthday she just rolls her eyes and doesn't want to even discuss it. So I'll be holding on to her present too.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I didn't really talk to anyone all day. My only contact with the outside world came when Lisa sent me an IM when she got home from work. She is back and forth with her boyfriend Carmine. I made the mistake and asked her how her Valentines was. She seems unhappy and is looking for reasons to not be there even though they just signed a lease on a rented apartment. Part of me sees this as the inevitable outcome but I try to get her to work harder at staying together. I still have this deep down feeling that we will end up together. I want to not feel this way.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Seeing Janet was good. She might be the most perfect girl I've ever met. There just isn't a hint of romance with her. I can look in her eyes and see nothing there that says she is looking at me as anything more than an old friend. Still we enjoyed dinner Friday so much we decided to have dinner again on Saturday. She cooked and then played Rock Band with her kids. It was fun if not a little surreal.
So now it's Sunday and I've had about as good a weekend as I should expect. But still I wish I could have heard from Coleen. I know it's bad to have these kind of obsessive feelings and I need to make an effort to not have them. I'll need to wait and see.
Friday, January 30, 2009
I recognized her right away. I forgot how she has such a great smile. I've always wondered if the years were kind to her. I probably never should have found this... now I have the urge to send her a message in an email. Maybe I'll do that someday but not from the place I'm at now. I know she became a mom about 6 or 8 years ago so it isn't as if I want to suddenly stalk her. I'd sooner want to build a time machine and go back to when we were both in love.
More than 10 years ago I was able to find her address and we exchanged a few letters and phone calls. It was great to talk to her but I also found that the girl I dated was now different and not at all like the one I remembered. Still... she is now very successful and I'm sure happy. She was always the smartest one I've ever met and I guess she still is.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
I leave for my own visit down there on Saturday. Funny, with the cold and snow we've been getting you would think I'd be all excited about going but I'm not. I'm sure that will change by the time my plane lifts off but for the moment I just feel overwhelmed. I'm concerned mostly about leaving my cat Tigger alone. With Lisa so much farther away I don't expect she can look in on him and I know I need to ask my landlord if they can feed him for me but I still haven't done that. I have to pay the rent before I go so I'll try to do it then. So then he will at least be fed. Maybe I can get my niece Kate to stop in once or twice.
Not much else to mention. No phone call from anyone this week. I guess the whole Coleen thing is about as dead as can be. It is an 'out-of-sight-out-of-mind' thing. I'm sure things will pick up once I return from the trip. Or it won't. She was never going to step up so I've been trying to flip the obsession switch to off as much as I can. The good thing about this is I seem to have enough money for a while.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
On Saturday I went to visit Lisa at new new apartment. I was beginning to thing I'd never get invited so when she told me to come I hopped in the car and headed right over. It was nice to spend an afternoon just sitting and relaxing while we talked about what was new. After a while we went to the local mall to try and find pillows for her couch. It gave us something to do. After that we hung out at a Ruby Tuesday. It was there where I confessed to her that I don't know what direction my life was going. She has always known how I feel about Coleen but I have been thinking my place in her life needs to be reduced. it was an interesting discussion although I don't think there was anything that will lead to any changes.
So what happened on Sunday? Not a whole lot. I did get a phone call from Coleen. It was a brief conversation and there were no plans made. There was a promise of a call back later but it never happened. And I'm okay with that. I want to make plans but if she won't be open to it I need to make myself be less available. Let her do what she wants to do and leave me be.
So there is my weekend. Not a whole lot of interaction but it's winter so that can be blamed. I am trying to learn to find contentment in my isolation but my only real consolation is I've stayed well within my budget for the weekend.
To Krissy, thanks for your comments to my last entry. Stay well.
Friday, January 23, 2009
So with Janet and Roberta away I rarely get any7 emails anymore. Tonight I have dinner plans with some friends I haven't seen in a while. It's a reunion of sorts. These are the friends who all scuba dive and since I don't dive much anymore I rarely see them. They all plan vacations together so I'm sure there will be talk of that and I will feel somewhat left out. I hope maybe in a year or so I'll be in a better financial situation and make a trip. But I think I would need to look at my gear and replace much of it. I don't want to get into debt again so I'll need to access that later.
I also miss going skiing. Geez, it seems like I used to be so much more active and now I don't do much of anything. I had a conversation with my brother Barry and we talked of taking a day off and going to a mountain for a day on the slopes. Maybe in late February or March.
I've been talking to Coleen less and less. We did go for a quick bite to eat last Sunday afternoon. We had spoken about trying a new place so it seemed like a good idea to go and try the buffet. She picked me up at my house and she was a little under the weather. She has been in the process of quitting cigarettes and she was struggling with that. So after we finished lunch she just decided she just needed to go home. So it was only a short 2 hour get together. Since then we've only had one phone conversation so I feel things between us have become much less dramatic. I've kind of taken myself out of the bar so my chances to see he are less likely. Part of me wants her to call me desperately needing to see me. But I know that's just a pipe dream. I've decided in my head that I want to plan things and since she won't do that I need to stop trying to just show up when she wants me.
I plan on taking my camera with me tonight so maybe I can post some pictures for a change. We will see but if I do I'll sign in and add a new entry tomorrow.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
So I've been spending a lot of time alone with my thoughts. I dwell on my ex-wife's suicide. I keep trying to rationalize my role in what led to her state. I know our divorce was not only inevitable but if I hadn't found a way out it might be me in a grave. Still she did try to put us together again and again. I gave that up long ago. I can't remember when it was but she did call me and ask if we could be married again so she could get healthcare. I wasn't having a sham of a marriage but i also never understood how desperate she must have been. All this is weighing very heavy on my heart.
And yet I also find it easy to put it behind me. I am not suffering. My life goes back to normal fairly easily. Probably the thing that bothers me most is she didn't remember me in her will at all. She left everything to her friend Rich. I had a very long phone conversation with him and I get the feeling he isn't doing anything with her estate. He just wants to rid himself of the responsibility. I keep telling myself that none of this should concern me ... that it was Brenda's stuff and she decided what to do with it. If I deserved to take care of her things she would have asked me to.Rich is making it very easy fro me to just walk away and that's what I should do.
Summer can't get here fast enough. By then I'll have other things on my mind. I'm sure. I will have finished paying at least one of my loans so I can finally start living life again. I have been thinking I need to find a place I can call my own. Even though I've lived in my apartment for more than 8 years now I never felt like I could call this place home. I want a home. I want to decorate permanently... not have "transitional" furniture. I need to give up on the idea that I'll ever find someone who wants to share my space.
I'm sorry I'm not writing about happy things. I'll try to do better next time.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Today we expect a big snow to hit so I'm inside and don't really plan to go anywhere. It a big football weekend so I'll manage just fine. I do wish I was going to see somebody. I haven't really been going out much at all. Although I did get out last night because, after all, it was Friday.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
I had some moments at Christmas when I didn't want to enjoy myself. It was a fairly basic holiday. Mom and Dad came in from Florida, we had Christmas eve as a family at my sister's. No one would let me take a family phone so no pics for the blog. I had several phone calls with Coleen before, during and after Christmas. She likes the present I gave her. But at the end of the weekend we were still what we always are.
I spent the next several days trying to make a plan to spend New Year's eve with Coleen. She first said she had no plans since she doesn't consider herself to be any one's girlfriend. We were looking at going out for an early dinner but I couldn't get her to give me a positive answer. I could tell she was holding out for Mark. So I just let it go and planned to spend my night with other friends. I had an okay time at Janet's with all of her friends. She made a nice dinner and I never got out anywhere. My last conversation with Coleen was that she was staying home alone. She didn't seem upset about it but I look at it as an indication of how she really feels. I have finally gotten it into my head that she isn't really into me and I won't be able to change that.
But life goes on. I still work, eat, live and go out with all the friends I have. I'm just not thinking anyone special will become a part of my life again. I am now focusing on me and all the things I need. My financial situation it about to become better so I can look forward to travelling more. I want to get through this winter and look forward to spring. I can't wait.