Saturday, January 17, 2009

It's been a week since I've even looked at writing anything. It is now the dead of winter. Staying in a lot. I'm kind of off going to the bar. I guess that means I'm off Coleen too. Last time I saw her we went to the movies. We saw Marley and Me. I was a little embarrassed because I found myself crying at the end of the movie. I won't give away the plot but the end is a little sad and I got emotional. All that's happening lately must have a lot to do with it.

So I've been spending a lot of time alone with my thoughts. I dwell on my ex-wife's suicide. I keep trying to rationalize my role in what led to her state. I know our divorce was not only inevitable but if I hadn't found a way out it might be me in a grave. Still she did try to put us together again and again. I gave that up long ago. I can't remember when it was but she did call me and ask if we could be married again so she could get healthcare. I wasn't having a sham of a marriage but i also never understood how desperate she must have been. All this is weighing very heavy on my heart.

And yet I also find it easy to put it behind me. I am not suffering. My life goes back to normal fairly easily. Probably the thing that bothers me most is she didn't remember me in her will at all. She left everything to her friend Rich. I had a very long phone conversation with him and I get the feeling he isn't doing anything with her estate. He just wants to rid himself of the responsibility. I keep telling myself that none of this should concern me ... that it was Brenda's stuff and she decided what to do with it. If I deserved to take care of her things she would have asked me to.Rich is making it very easy fro me to just walk away and that's what I should do.

Summer can't get here fast enough. By then I'll have other things on my mind. I'm sure. I will have finished paying at least one of my loans so I can finally start living life again. I have been thinking I need to find a place I can call my own. Even though I've lived in my apartment for more than 8 years now I never felt like I could call this place home. I want a home. I want to decorate permanently... not have "transitional" furniture. I need to give up on the idea that I'll ever find someone who wants to share my space.

I'm sorry I'm not writing about happy things. I'll try to do better next time.

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