Life as it is

December is over. What a month it was. Funeral, then Christmas and then New Year's eve. None of these things were very memorable. I struggle with the reality of seeing my ex-wife go into the ground. Since our lives had gone in different directions my day to day life is essential unchanged. Yesterday the phone rang and it hit me that I no longer need to worry that she may be calling for whatever crap was affecting her. It's a feeling of dread I used to have whenever I picked up the phone and I would hear her voice. Always something wrong. Never happy about anything. But now she is gone. I have such sadness but it's scaring me how quickly I can forget about it.

I had some moments at Christmas when I didn't want to enjoy myself. It was a fairly basic holiday. Mom and Dad came in from Florida, we had Christmas eve as a family at my sister's. No one would let me take a family phone so no pics for the blog. I had several phone calls with Coleen before, during and after Christmas. She likes the present I gave her. But at the end of the weekend we were still what we always are.

I spent the next several days trying to make a plan to spend New Year's eve with Coleen. She first said she had no plans since she doesn't consider herself to be any one's girlfriend. We were looking at going out for an early dinner but I couldn't get her to give me a positive answer. I could tell she was holding out for Mark. So I just let it go and planned to spend my night with other friends. I had an okay time at Janet's with all of her friends. She made a nice dinner and I never got out anywhere. My last conversation with Coleen was that she was staying home alone. She didn't seem upset about it but I look at it as an indication of how she really feels. I have finally gotten it into my head that she isn't really into me and I won't be able to change that.

But life goes on. I still work, eat, live and go out with all the friends I have. I'm just not thinking anyone special will become a part of my life again. I am now focusing on me and all the things I need. My financial situation it about to become better so I can look forward to travelling more. I want to get through this winter and look forward to spring. I can't wait.