Thursday, June 30, 2005
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Spent last evening working on getting the boat ready for the 4th. Still not there but getting closer. Really wanted to head out but had no crew. I had lots of time to think.... usually that is a bad thing.
I am trying to think about what kind of summer this will be. I really want to stop obsessing on Lisa since we will never be more than friends. In my mind I have this conversation in which I tell her everything I feel and wait for her response. Of course we have already talked about this and I already know the answer so I can never have that conversation. It will only serve to complicate out relationship and probably not make any difference. At least it never has before.
Last Saturday when we went out to dinner it felt more like a date than an evening of 2 friends. I think she felt it too but not in a good way. I had a very brief phone conversation with her in the morning and didn't hear from her again until Monday night even though she was using my car. I wonder if she thinks about it as ften as I do.
I saw her Monday night whne she gave me back my car and she was quieter than usual. I hate when she thinks too much.... usually works my my disadvantage. It's funny how every one who has met us thinks we should be together. I was so shocked when her sister said that to me once ... as if I hadn't been trying. It's funny ... I know Lisa loves me. But it's too long being friends, so nothing can happen.
I really would like to have someone's attention this summer. But all the women in my life don't seem to want to get closer to me. Maybe I need to go to Nancy's party.
Monday, June 27, 2005
I'll need to be brief this time
Friday night - Family party for neice Katie's graduation. Strictly family members.
Saturday - picked Lisa up from work at 2:30 and we went to Babylon and had some beers on the town dock and fed a family of swans. Then went to dinner in Locust Valley. She wore a tank top and cut off shorts. She looked awesome although she thought she looked horrible. Either I see a completely different girl than anyone else or I'm just crazy. Bumped into Nancy who is having a party this Friday night. Maybe I'll go. Lisa has to work. After dinner enjoyed some drinks then went to her house and watch tv before Lisa said she was tired and sent me home.
Friday, June 24, 2005
I took Thursday off to get my sailboat into it's slip in the marina. Finally after 2 years I can be a sailor again. I'm fairly ashamed to admit this but on July 12, 2003 I was sailing near Connecticut in the Long Island Sound when I bumped a submerged rock and thus began the unravelling of my life. I am just now getting my self-esteem up to where it was.
Since my parents were up from Florida, my mom offered to join me for the cruise from Port Washington to Sea Cliff... about a 2 hour sail. I also had my 2 nephews along. The boat is essentially empty with no food of drinks and no interial accomidations such as cushions. My plan was to get it done before lunch.
Well, that didn't work out so great. I had to make a side trip to the airport because Lisa was in Arizona and needed a ride home at 8 a.m. That took until 10:30... then to my sister's to get everyone. no one was ready so 45 minutes getting everone together. Finally get to the boat at 11:30. Another half an hour getting underway and finally at noon I am away from the dock.
It felt great to be at the helm. Went slow, slow, slow. Ran on diesel and made only 5.5 knots. But it was a beautiful day and practically no wind so it was a good day on the water. I was in the slip ay 2:15. Nothing was set up so I needed about an hour and a half to set the lines and I only have that done temporary. I'll get the permanant arrangement over the weekend.
So now I can spend my summer on the water again provided I get all the part back in order. You see .... while repairs were going on I had to take all the contents of the boat and find storage for them. Most of the items are in my brother's business garage, some at my house and still some were in a garage. It may take the whole summer before I get everything gathered together again.
Meanwhile I have my neice, Katie's graduation tonight. A family event. I'll be going alone. Maybe I'll wander out afterwards. Where to go?
Also found out that Lisa was accepted into the master training program for the Yoga center. She was expecting to be going away from July 1 to July 15th but now it won't be until September. I'm glad. I didn't want her to be gone for July 4th although I have no idea if she will go to my fireworks party on the boat.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Had dinner with Lee in NYC last night. Then we went to an event at the museum that her sister Karen works at. The dinner was okay but the museum was kind of boring. Left Lee and headed for the train at about 9:30. Lee was going to find her own way home. She was going with her friend Kathy anyway.
I will never look at Lee as any more than as a friend. When we first met I tried getting closer to her but she gave me the stop sign pretty fast and said she would never consider me as boyfriend material. She's Jewish and wasn't interested in dating a non-Jew. So we've been friends for about 5 years. It makes for a weird vibe sometimes but I've never felt like changing that even though sometimes I get the feeling she might.
On the trainride home I got a cellphone call from Lisa. She was flying out on a 6 a.m. flight to Arizona and wanted a ride to the airport. Nothing like a lot of notice. Still I was up and at her door before 5 ready to drive her this morning. I'll pick her up when she gets back too.
Monday, June 20, 2005
I spent a quiet Sunday doing boat things. I decided to call Janet and see if I could maybe make a date. She was a little more evasive than she was on Saturday night, which is typical. Saturday night she was drinking her usual white zin so she probably was letting her guard down a little. On Saturday she was all "let's find a new place to go" and "we should open our own club" but on Sunday it was "I'll be real busy the next 2 weeks". I really have to work on my ability to handle the unexpected.
Meanwhile, Lisa called me while she was driving home from her Father's Day family bar-b-que and our chat was short and unmemoriable. Let's see what day she wants wine. Damn, I just wish I could make something work.
Oh, one other thing.... The ex-wife called and left a message about me not returning her last 2 calls. I only remember one but who knows. She was all upset that I could be away and not have told her. My thinking is I have nothing to say so why call. I figured she would eventually call me when I was home - which is most of the time. I hate that she calls my house purposely when I'm not home and leaves a message. Then she screens her calls and rarely picks up.
Hello journal. Been a while.
Last Thursday was Lee's birthday dinner. I enjoyed a evening of Turkish food. A little more expensive than I'd expected. Heading for home on the 10:15 train. A message from Lisa to get some wine - told her I had some at home. Thought she might come over. Got home at 11:15 and didn't hear from her so I grabbed the wine and went to her house. Got there and the lights were on so I knocked on the door. She opens the door and we just shared one glass of wine. Was home by 12:30 which was fine as I was taking Friday off.
Lisa and I did have dinner on Saturday night. Before she got there I polished off a half a bottle of wine. Went to a Thai restaurant and we knocked down a bottle of wine over dinner. I decided she should drive. We wanted to hear some music so we went looking for a good place. We went to Oyster Bay, Bayville and Locust Valley without finding anything good. Lisa wanted to go to Chelsea Street but I've never liked that place. I really wanted something folkie. So we went to The Downtown in Glen Cove. I knew they would have a band which they did. We walk in and I immediately see Janet... one of my favorite people. Worlds collide. Lisa met Janet and Janet met Lisa.
Since I can't seem to get anywhere with Lisa I chatted it up with Janet and even asked her what she was doing on Sunday. We both agreed to get together someplace. Of course I was a little drunk. Still she did say we will get together this summer. It was a lucky break. Lisa wasn't mad but she definately wanted to leave after one drink. I almost gave her the keys and told her I would get myself home. I am so bad at spontaineous chance meetings.... I stayed with the plan and drove with Lisa and said goodnight and went home alone. Like always. Maybe next time I'll do better.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
I finally saw Lisa on Sunday night after hoping to see her Saturday night and Sunday afternoon so we agrees to have dinner - late. At about 8:30 we went to our favorite Japanese restaurant for sushi and sake. Dinner was pretty much like all the others we'd had together. I talked to her about Tracy and how I felt as if I'd let an oppurtunity slip away. She said I need to be more direct about whether she is in a committed relationship. Food for thought.
After dinner neither one of us wanted to go home so we went for a drive and ended up near the water in Seaford. We had some wine right from the bottle - no glasses - on a secluded dock we found as we drove around. It was like a flash back to high school when you were hanging out somewhere so the parents would find you. We fed some crackers to some swans. I wanted it to be more romantic but as soon as I even got a little closer to Lisa she said it was time to go. Mike strikes out again. I took her home and dropped her off at around 11:30.
Sunday, June 12, 2005
My weekend never seems to go as planned. My only plan was to see Lisa on Saturday night or at the very least Sunday afternoon. Well, I'm home on Friday night watching the Mets and my cell starts ringing and it's Tracy... a girl I know from the city. She is at Steamboat Landing in Glen Cove and wants to know if I'm planning on stopping in. I said I wasn't planning on it but I'd be there in 10 minutes. Playing hard-to-get: Not!
When I got there I found her with her brother and some of his friends. They were eating dinner. Not expecting to eat I ordered a beer and baked clams. Tracy changed seats to sit next to me and talk. I don't know if I was tired or what but I wasn't really able to come up with a lot to say. Tracy seems to like me and in our conversations I learned that her "sometimes" boyfriend was out of town. You would think that I would be working this but I've got to be the slowest man when it comes to what signs a woman puts out. Besides she was there with her brother.
I really was thinking I should try to make a date, either for Saturday night or another weekend. Or I should at least stay until she was ready to leave so I could get some kind of goodbye. But I was tired and down to my last 10 dollars. I was still thinking I would see Lisa on Saturday. I did say I wanted to plan something as I said goodbye.
Saturday morning Lisa called and said she wasn't available Saturday night and that she needed to go with her Yoga friends. She said it was training, but she also went to see the new Star Wars movie Friday night and told me that was part of her training.
So when Lisa told me we would not get together on Saturday I called Tracy's cell....I was going to call anyway. Probably left a really stupid message as she did not give me a call back. I just said thanks for calling me and I had a fun time Friday night. Now I am thinking that I didn't act on what might have been a clear signal... Some player I am. I only hope I'm over analyzing.
Thursday, June 9, 2005
What is it about this show that captivates me? There is nothing else that goes deeper into relationship dynamics and how we are almost afraid to be happy. I saw the newest episode last Monday night and since I have no relationship to speak of I find myself getting emotionally involved with these characters, especially Nate and Brenda.
Ironic that the names of the 2 women in Nate's lovelife are Lisa and Brenda. If you've read any of my prior entries most of my energy are focused on my ex-wife, Brenda and my closest friend/obsession, Lisa. I could relate to Nate more than any other character. Jilted by Brenda's sexually deviance, he ended up marrying her complete opposite, Lisa. Their marriage to me seemed like it never got off the ground. While I was married I never felt comfortable and I could see Nate being the same way ... but trying to make the best of it. Trying to be in love with his wife while knowing in his heart he could never have with her what he had with Brenda.
Wednesday, June 8, 2005
It wasn't the smartest thing to do last night but I got a text message on my phone from Lisa last night that she wanted some wine and I thought she said she was home. So I got a bottle and went to her house and Lisa wasn't there. I realized she was working and thought she would be home soon. Turns out I had misread the message .... she wanted wine after work and wanted me to leave it at her house. By the time I'd figured that out I'd had more than half the bottle. Oh well. She got home after 11 and we sat out front of her house and finished what was left. So I'm extremely hung-over this morning. Got home after midnight too.
Lisa wants to get together on Saturday night. She is having dinner with some of her yoga friends then after that we'll go out. I told her we will go hear some music. I have no idea where so I need to work on it. I am thinking maybe in Oyster Bay. Or maybe Bayville.
You would think I would be all revved up for this but I'm really not.
Sunday, June 5, 2005
The trip to Jersey for the birthday party went pretty much as planned. Brenda looked good but drove me up the wall with her selfish behavior. She totally focusses on herself no matter what. She kept disappearing for 20 minute stretches leaving myself and other to deal with her senial dad. At least I got a cell phone call from Lisa while we were on the way.
Lisa went to her parents for a BBQ with sisters. We spoke on the phone at about 8 and from her discription they practically had an intervention for her. She made a career change they don't agree with and let her know. She used to work in an office but now she has committed to training as a yoga master full-time. It considerably less money but it seems to make her happy.
So I left Brenda's at about 8 o'clock. I wonder if I could have stayed over. Part of me wanted to but all the baggage that comes with that just makes it so not worth it. Besides I wanted to see if I could see Lisa. I hadn't seen her all weekend. She was on her way home and I spoke to her but her day tomorrow starts early and I never push it.
It's late .... more tomorrow.
Saturday, June 4, 2005
Had a regular day. Took care of the boat at the marina and came home for dinner. My sister called to ask me for dinner but too late. Missed a call from Lisa too. She left a really long message about her plans for the evening. She was going with the yoga masters to Jersey and wouldn't be back until midnight. But then she said she would love to meet for a late dring if I could wait until midnight. So of course I'll wait. I'm so stupid. I always think maybe something could happen. This has been going like this for years.
Tomorrow morning I will go to the birthday gathering for my 96 year old ex-father-in-law. That should be a nightmare.
Friday, June 3, 2005
It's Friday and a little past 4. I'm at work but pretty much done and can't leave until 5 so I thought I'd start this. I've been thinking about this for some time. I started a journal on paper and now want to see if I can keep one on AOL.
Money problems abound. I've spent way too much money the last few years and overspent my credit cards until I had to get rid of them. Now I live in a "cash-world". No money, no girlfriend, and very few prospects. And yet I have hopes.
Women in my life are;
Lisa-my favorite person in the world. I wish we could be in love but she resists me. Now we know each other as friends so long it can never be anything else, even though I know she loves me. Very strange dynamic that will take forever to explain.
Brenda-the ex-wife. A conniving, manipulating bitch.I can't believe I could have married her. Most times I can't stand to be near her for more than 10 minutes. And yet she would give me affection when no one else seems to.
Short list? There has been more but they are all gone now. Maybe I'll find new people.... like Janet or Laura.... old high school friends who I reconnected with over the last year.
Sex? I haven't been kissed in more than a year so sex has been longer than I care to remember. Last one I attempted to even ask out was a woman named Kristen that I met in DC. I didn't even think she noticed me until Lisa said there was something there. So I cast a line into the water and sent an email. Never got a response.