Thursday, July 31, 2008

I haven't done a post lately. I am not really able to maintain my theme right now so I thought I would take a break from all the drama. I can't see how I can make my sitting around doing very little very interesting. I have used the time away to re-access where I should be going. 

So here is what I've been doing.... I had Lisa over for dinner at my house last Wednesday night. It was very enjoyable We had dinner alfresco under my new patio umbrella. I have been enjoying that all week. So nice to sit outside on a sunny day and be shaded.  

Thursday I blew everyone off. No boat party. I got calls from Janet and Coleen so I guess they may have been able to go. But initially Janet had said she was planning on doing something else and I was just of reaching out to anyone else. I guess I wanted a break from Coleen a little bit. More on that later.

Friday I went out to see the Cast of Beatlemania...

That's Lisa and Carmine dancing ... okay Lisa dancing and Carmine being his usual bump-on-a-log thing. I felt that I needed an outdoor Friday thing so that I could get away from the bar. And it was great... much better than I even expected. And it was free!

Then Saturday was a party at my brother's house. I did make a short stop at the beach to see Janet, Roberta, Judy and Jami. They were planning to stay until sunset... wish I could have stayed too but had that party. At least no bar.

This is Maryliz,Brian and Barry ... all my siblings. The party was okay ... just okay not great.

Sunday I invited Tracy to the boat. I wanted to diversify my circle of friends. She showed up with her brother. The weather was so bad I almost didn't expect her to make it. I want to like her but I just find her just so annoying. She must not be interested in me if she always has her brother come along. Still, I found myself asking her to meet for drinks after work one night this week. Anything to get my mind off of Coleen.

So I went the entire weekend with out going into the bar or talking to Coleen. Why ... well mostly on the advice of friends who tell me she is really just using me to get attention. It seems to me that they are right and deep down I've always known that.

Monday, July 21, 2008

What a weekend.

This is me at the end of the Lobster Party on Saturday. It was a long hot day.

That Lisa posing with me. I hadn't seen her in weeks. It's kind of strange how much I used to obsess about her and now it's like I barely think about her. I still think she's hot though.

At the end of the night Janet, her ex Mark Jami and I posed for one last picture. It was a good moment I wanted to capture.

At this point I was just as relaxed as I could be.

Here is Lisa and Carmine. They are doing great and I think Lisa is really happy and I feel good about that.

These are just a few of the many pictures we took. I will add more as the week goes on. The stories may take longer. I had a great time although not with everyone. I'm not sure I can make a blog entry about it just yet. It's not with anyone who I've mentioned before so I may come off really stupid.

Sunday I had Coleen and her boyfriend come out on the boat. Nothing big, just out into the harbor for a swim. But then while we were swimming the wind and the current picked up and I found myself drifting too far from the boat. I ended up getting assistance from another boat. It was a little embarrassing but it could have been much worse.

So I find myself looking at life a little different. I want to take a break from all the drama of lusting for something I can't have. So I'm going to just do my own thing and let life start coming to me. No more scheming or searching for someone special. For now.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Yeah = I can't deal with subject today

I was at a party at Janet's tonight. Everybody was there. There was much drama. Had a disagreement with Judy. I thought she was treating me like I was a servent and callede her on it. She's all bent and so am I. I may have acted different but I was tired and drinking but I still feel she was out of line. I even tried to apologize but she said no. So now I thinking fuck you ... you can't respect me even when I apologize? Go away then.

So then there is Coleen and Mark and all their shit. I loved being around Coleen and Lisa tries to set me straight. "don't jump every time she wants something" So much easier said then done.I'm thinking about just saying goodbye to the whole lot of them. 

Friday, July 18, 2008

Last night there were cocktails on the boat.

This is the picture I took of the sunset. I wish I could say some really great things happened but no such luck. Drama, drama, drama. Ugh!.

First Roberta came down and it was just us for about an hour. I hadn't eaten so before she got there I had some leftover Indian food which Roberta really doesn't like. Not even a little. But before I was done she showed up and since I had already cooked it and I was hungry so I did finish it.

So we relaxed and sipped wine and then I got a call from Coleen to tell me "we are coming down to the boat". We being her and Mark. And I could tell Coleen had already had more drinks than she should.

So they came aboard and Coleen sat next to me and Mark just stayed at the back of the boat. that's him in the picture. Coleen was being very chatty and very ... I want to say tipsy but let's face it, she was drunk. She managed to get under Roberta's skin and there was friction between them all night. There were quite a few odd moments which I dismissed but as soon as the sun went down I started to clean up. Even though I got the feeling no one was anxious to go I started to put things away. Mark and Coleen got the hint and headed up to their car. This was good because Coleen spoke to me on the side and said Roberta was really getting her mad. To be perfectly honest Coleen was pushing some buttons and getting even me annoyed. I wasn't sad to see them go.

So in my mind I just thought my annoyance stemmed from jealousy that Mark was there... but after they left Roberta and I had a long talk. What she saw was something completely different. What she sees is Coleen using me to try to get to Mark. She was alternately flirting with me and then being very affectionate with Mark. And Roberta didn't like it one bit.

I got a real big dose of reality. Coleen's attachment to Mark is probably never going to go away. Roberta told me about how Coleen used another friend, Donnie, much the same way as me. So at the end of the day I feel used and wish I wasn't so obsessed with her anymore. I don't know what my next course of action will be but I think things need to stop. Roberta says she doesn't want me to get hurt but I'm afraid it may already be too late for that.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Past, Present and Future ... different or the same?

Last night was a quiet night. There will be no stories of love and lust today. I did have not one but two phone conversations with Coleen, both of them initiated by her. Such little tiny steps.... I mean we've gone from having a short conversation once a week to random text messages to now we have multiple daily phone calls. This is over the last six or seven months. That's just too slow. In all my past "successful" relationships the thing would happen in about three weeks. I feel like I entered into the "friend-zone" and there is no way I can get out. It will take a huge kind of leap on my part.

Enough about that .... I keep thinking to how I always look back in time using music and baseball to remember what year things occurred. For example I remember the summer of 1969 so vividly because there was the Miracle Mets and Sweet Carolina, and Cash's My Name is Sue and CCR's Proud Mary. I also remember we moved in July and leaving all my friends and being lonely for I didn't make new friends so easily.

Everytime I hear a Ramones song I remember the late seventies and being in college and working part-time at the grocery store. If I hear Paul McCartney or Paul Simon it reminds me of going to Jones Beach with Win. I was so in love with her, but much like the usual pattern I never got past being friends with her. As the Beatles' song goes..."People and friends that went before..."  are all tangled up in the soundtrack to my life and then I look up old baseball statistics online and I also think who I was around back in those days. The Mets won in 1986 I was dating Brenda but really liked Karen. I ended up getting married and divorced to Brenda. Karen got married and started a family and disappeared from my life.   

Where am I going with this? Just that the dynamic continues and it would be so great if just once I could find myself able to step outside the box. I am going to keep thinking about that. Unfortunately actions are so much more difficult than thinking about it.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Catching my Breath

I took a ride after work and saw Coleen's car parked near our favorite watering hole. So I stopped in and enjoyed her company for a few hours. I really wanted to take the opportunity to have a serious conversation to see if I could change our dynamic. I guess you could say I went half way there. She told me her and Mark are having a tough time and she really still wants that commitment from him. I then went into the fact that when he snapped at her I thought he was being a little extreme. I also stated the fact that his vacation story made me feel like leaving which I did. In case you missed it his vacation includes a woman he pays to have dinner with and who knows what else. So at least I got that off my chest although I did fail to mention how much I like her because I still get a sense that she is planning her life around him.

I gradually lightened things up and we ended up going out to dinner. We went to a new place that we had both been to before but never together. It was a little nicer place too. Some what more elegant. A funny thing always happens when I go out to a restaurant that feels just a little more special. It seems like the waiters sense things and try to make it more romantic. There was another couple across from us that I got into a friendly conversation with. It must be because we laugh so much that we spread that life is good feeling around the room so much that everyone cheers up. I've noticed this before.

So after dinner we had a moment. It happened so fast I'm almost not sure I imagined it. Coleen kissed me. Not like a deep passionate kiss, but also not a kiss like hello or goodbye. This was when we got in the car after dinner, she said thanks and kissed me. It was a soft sweet thing. And of course I never saw it coming. But I want to make a move now. When we said good night there was a promise for more, but dammit if she isn't still holding out for that stupid Mark. Oh well, breathe in, breathe out.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Change is hard

I had a very diffecult time last night sleeping. I had so many thoughts spinning around in my head. I feel as if I seem to just play the same role over and over and whenever a situation developes that calls for me to take action I keep falling back into what I always do. For instance, yesterday Coleen called me early to tell me she wasn't going to work. Clearly, there was an opportunity to talk about where she wants things to go. And what do I do? I talk to her about her plans for the day and how she should relax.

I had a conversation with Lisa about this last night. As far the the falling back into familiar patterns she says she finds she seems to do the same thing. Her initial thought was like everyone else I should talk to her about how I feel and see where it goes. But then she added that it will happen when it happens and not to fret over it too much. She also said that maybe all this drama that is following her around would be bad for me to get myself into the middle of.

I do want to try to change the dynamic and I've been going over in my head just how I would do it. Unfortunately these things tend to happen when I am least ready for it.

Monday, July 14, 2008

The more things change the more they stay the same.

I managed to sidestep what for me would have been a sticky situation. On Thursday night Coleen had talked about going on a weekend trip on the boat. I initially was all for it but then after thinking about it on the drive home I became very conflicted. How could I overnight with someone I am so very attracted to but only as friends?

Well, the problem fixed itself when Coleen told me on Friday she got her "time of the month" and wouldn't be up to doing much of anything for a day or two. That's probably more detail then anyone should want. But the plan was called off so I didn't need to deal with it anymore.

Saturday she was uncomfortable but was at least able to come out for dinner.

I took both Janet and Coleen out to have lobster at the outdoor restaurant. I did feel like "who has it better than me?" On the way back home I made them stop at a beach so we could watch the sunset.


This is from the Bayvlle beach.

Coleen got a call ... not Mark though.

Janet always seems to have her mind on something else but we all enjoyed the moment.

So after sunset I put the camera away and we had a drink in our favorite bar. I was driving, but Coleen got a ride home after from her friend Tony. I could tell she had a good time. I got Janet home without incident.

What a surprise when the next day she told me she was speaking to Mark again. She and I spent the day together but Mark came buy on his motorcycle and somehow I ended up agreeing to having dinner with both of them.

What a surreal event that was. Coleen cooked and I did enjoy a nice meal. But then Coleen and Mark started to talk about vacations and he told me about how he goes to St Martins every year andmeets a Brazilian girl that he pays to spend time with. He insisted that they just have dinner and go dancing but Coleen got a little bent out of shape and I got really uncomfortable so I said my goodbyes. It was a bad moment.... as I left Coleen was sitting alone out front and I could tell she was seething.

I don't know what happened after I left but at 6:40 a.m. this morning I got a text message from Coleen that said she would be missing work today and staying home. She said she left last night not long after me. I'm not sure if I handled thing right. I wish I had told her she could talk to me if she wanted, but then I would be waiting for that and it's beter if I just let her deal with her own stuff.

So the weekend goes not quite what I expected. I really need to make a move soon because I can't keep doing the things I do.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Things never really go as planned

Didn't take Coleen away for the weekend. She wanted to go but then came down with the I-Can't-Go flu. She still wanted to go but then was too sick and she said she wasn't able to make it. We still had dinner. But as of now her relationship with Mark is back on so I'm home pondering my options. I guess I'll have more thoughts on this tomorrow.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Snapped back

So once again the rubberband theorem rears it's head. Those not familiar with the "Rubberband Theorem" when a person tries to pull away from another person that other person will snap back like when you have a rubberband tied around your wrist and pull on it and let go .... snaps right back. And the harder you pull it the harder it will snap. Now that I've done that let me try to explain....

I had made up my mind on Monday to let the whole Coleen thing go, right? So what do you think happens? She has sent me a text message or called me every night this week. And has asked me to call her before work or has called me before work. Nothing really new about that, just the same stuff but more frequent.

So last night was boat night at the dock. No one was going to show up so I went down anyway to open it up and get some air inside and also to relax and watch the sun go down. Then out of nowhere Chris shows up with his still broken foot and I help him onboard and I figure at least I have some one to hang with. Then my phone rings and it's Coleen. She had dinner with Mark but said she could come down for 10 minutes. I said, "fine, I'll be here." When she showed up she was alone and looked upset. Apparently when she called she was in a big row with Mark and left him... she says for good.

Next thing I know she is talking about how she needs to get away for the weekend and how would it be if we took the boat out east Saturday and Sunday. Now Chris is still there and I am reacting as if  I was planning to go anyway. So we discussed it as if it was something we would do.

So in my head there is all kinds of thoughts spinning in my head. How can I make this work and not end in total disaster? How can I make it so it's just me and Coleen? And isn't it way inappropriate for her and I to do this?

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Vienna Waits for You

Spent last night at home relaxing. There was a point last night where I was simultaneously talking on the phone with work, on IM with Lisa and exchanging cell phone text messages with Coleen. Isn't technology great? And all I really wanted to do was watch the Met game on TV. Oh well, it's validating any way.

I went out at lunch and picked up the re-issue of the Billy Joel "Stranger" album. I didn't buy it for the album since I've got it already. And the Live at Carnegie Hall bonus disk is great, but what I really wanted was the 5 song bonus that comes with it from Best Buy. It's a concert that I can remember when I was in college in December 1977.

I had this friend at college, Bob L. who drove us home for Christmas break the 5 hours plus trip and he had a Billy Joel tape that we listened to a lot. It was the "Streetlife Serenade" album which I had grown to like. There were some extra songs from "Piano Man" too. Up until then I hadn't ever really heard him.

When I got home another friend had a bootleg tape of a radio concert that had just been aired. There were all these new songs on it. Songs from "The Stranger" and "Turnstiles". I've long since lost the tape but must have listened to this concert every day for a year. And that would be what the 5 songs are. Now I have a CD.... only part of the concert but at least I could have something. Maybe someday there will be a CD of the entire concert.

So I just walked 20 blocks in NYC in 90 degree heat but I've got it!. While I was there I also picked up a Toby Keith CD. It was just too far to go to get just one thing.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Weekend has finished

The July 4th Weekend (or as I like to call it Quartro de Julio) is over. Here are some more pictures.

Here is Sean and below is his youngest Amanda and then there is Nicole and Sean's better half Marianna taken on the boat before fireworks.  

The fireworks was fun except for the fact that it rained and I was stressing out a little. I was more than a little disappointed that none of my friends could make it. Everyone did their own thing. Here is a look ar how crowded it was on the boat once the rain started...


But there were some really nice moments too,

Eventually the rain did stop and all went about as well as could be. The rest of the weekend was sort of washed out. It rained most of Saturday and I was with Janet most of the day. We actually had a nice day that somehow stretched into the evening. Then Sunday I was just lazy all day and got myself invited to share dinner with Coleen and Mark. From what I could see they are still very much a couple so I am really going to try and put that on the shelf. No more talk of me and Coleen. I promise.


Saturday, July 5, 2008

The 4th of July has come and gone. It was a fun day even though there was rain. There is one good fireworks show that I tries to get a good photo of. Even though all my friends found excuses not to go I still had my boat really crowded with family.  


Prior to the fireworks I took a ride to see Janet and her family during their celebration. Here is a picture of Janet on the left and her daughter Allie on the right. In the middle are her cousin and aunt.

So it wasa full day. More about the weekend must wait. Hope all was good for everyone else.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Good things

Winding up a work week and getting geared up for a holiday weekend. It's all good right now. I have had several conversations with Coleen and she sounds like she and I will see each other a lot this weekend. If you read the prior post you will see my mix CD that I had made for her more than a month ago. The second song is Shooter Jennings' 4TH of July. That song was my inspiration for getting the CD into Coleen's hands. The excuse was her going to see a Shooter Jennings show, but it is also the song itself being about being with her by then.

She had been saying she was looking at her life and wants to either get married or she would move in a new direction. Well, her deadline was July 2nd. And that day has come and gone. While I refuse to point that out to her it does feel like she hasn't gotten that thing she wanted. I'm not in a place to ask her for closure, only she can decide that. But she is making herself available to me this weekend.

On the other hand I need to plan my life apart from her. As much I want to have her be a big part of my life, we still lack anything resembling romance. So I want to plan a vacation for the summer. The last weekend of summer my brother is going to Block Island on his boat and I can't seem to get crew to go on my boat. So I inquired if there may be room for me. His plan includes taking my elderly parents too. A lot has to happen for that, primarily my dad's health, and their willingness to travel but it sounds very reasonalble. So then I tell my sister Maryliz about it and she says she would like to go and if she goes then I will take my boat. My bro-in-law Ken might have to work, but he may go too. So we spitballed some ideas and we've got a plan started.

Life is very good right now.


Wednesday, July 2, 2008


About a month ago I made a mix cd of music I thought Coleen might like. I know it's cheesy but I did give it to her. I also kept a copy for myself. Here is a list of songs on it.

1) Van Zant -  Help Somebody[04:13]
2) Shooter Jennings -  4Th Of July (Featuring George Jones)[04:26]
3) Craig Morgan -  Redneck Yacht Club[03:48]
4) Big & Rich -  Save A Horse (Ride A Cowboy)[03:21]
5) Carrie Underwood -  Before He Cheats[03:19]
6) Gretchen Wilson -  Redneck Woman[03:42]
7) Trick Pony -  Just What I Do[03:21]
8) Montgomery Gentry -  Hell Yeah[04:50]
9) Toby Keith -  I Love This Bar[05:35]
10) Tracy Byrd -  Ten Rounds With Jose Cuervo[03:02]
11) Bon Jovi -  Who Says You Can't Go Home[04:40]
12) Lee Ann Womack -  I'll Think Of A Reason Later[03:39]
13) Carolyn Dawn Johnson -  I Don't Want You To Go[04:33]
14) Miranda Lambert -  Kerosene[03:05]
15) Travis Tritt -  It's A Great Day To Be Alive[04:01]
16) Big & Rich, Cowboy Troy -  I Play Chicken With the Train[03:16]

The first song by Van Zant is actually one she turned me on to. She knows the members in the band if you can believe that. Seems that her ex-husband is part of their road crew. The Shooter Jennings song I picked for her because she was seeing him as the warm-up band for  the Charlie Daniels Band and had never heard his songs. The rest are just an assortment of alt-country stuff. I know she likes it because I was in her car closing the windows before a thunderstorm and that was playing in her car cd player.

It really is a kick ass cd.... Lisa and I were out one night and it was in my cd player and we had a blast. I especially liked Redneck Yacht Club. i really am in the wrong part of the country since we don't have a single country station here.

I got a call on my cell from Coleen around dinner time. She says to expect her for fireworks. I still expect her boyfriend to pull the string on her. We will see. I may be off line most of the coming weekend but be prepared for a long blog on Monday.

Reality bites

I'm trying to make the best of a very tough reality. Coleen had dinner with Mark last night so I guess they've made up. I saw her during the day and the last thing she said to me was she would call me later. I was having a discussion with Dave in the bar when I felt I made the most profound observation.

Dave is pretty friendly with Coleen and said how sad it is that she wants something (i.e.; marriage) she's never going to get from Mark, so why does she stay with him. I told him it's like someone how goes to a casino and spends all day putting money in a single slot machine. You don't want to walk away because you think it's just about to pay off so you keep putting more and more money in and it never does pay off big. Just the occasional give back. At the end of the day what do you have.

So I'm left wondering just how her evening went, but I suspect probably like most of the others. They had a nice dinner, watched tv and went to bed. I'd rather not dwell on the last part.

This is Tigger my cat. He seems to like to lay on my glass table on the patio. It must be cooler.

And this would be Brody, Janet's dog. I stopped in to visit last evening and played with him. He is very active and I forgot how much fun it could be to just throw a ball to a dog.

These are the things I am trying to keep my thoughts on today. Because some of the other ones are not so great. I have the frieworks to look forward too on Friday night (4th of July). So far it's looking more and more like it's going to be an all family event. Most of my friends seem to have alternate plans. I'll still take pictures and have my fun.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

New Day New Entry

So my usual sucky Monday took an interesting turn late yesterday. I was sitting around the house feeling guilty about the way I need to get started putting my house in order. I am so easily distracted. First Lisa comes online and we start chatting about her weekend. Then I got a phone call from Janet who was just home from a weekend at Montauk. These are great things but Lisa and Janet are my friends but the person I wanted to talk to was Coleen. I felt like I could call her but I feel like I needed a reason and I had none. I really need to get over that because guess what ... Coleen called me!

So we had a conversation although some of it was about how she finally spoke to her boyfriend. From what she said it doesn't sound like they are finished. But it doesn't sound like they have a future either. Then there is the problem of how I feel and if she could look at me in that special way.  

So anyway we are meeting for a drink after work today. It takes so little to make me happy.