Thursday, December 30, 2010

One Last Post - then bye bye Birdie

I don't expect to post again until after New Year's so this will be my last entry for 2010. I feel like I am a little ahead of the game so to speak. I put all my payments to my bills in the mail and there is still money left even after Christmas. All the money problems of the past have become non-issues. I do need to watch so I don't slip.
My plans for New Years Eve is a little different than years past. My typical night out would be to go to a bar and see friends and wait for midnight. Never get to see anyone outside my circle. But this year I will start off on a different track. I am going to see a movie at a Art Cinema. Then after the movie there will be food and then champagne with the other movie goers. Maybe I can actually find someone different to talk to.
But first we have tonight. I am off from work on Friday and so are many of my friends so we are planning to go out for dinner. I don't want to over do things since I don't do so well going out 2 nights in a row. We will see.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Year in Review

So many things happened this year. As always life was a roller coaster but I must say the good things outweighed the bad.
I guess the first thing I should mention is 2010 will always be remembered as the year my dad died. He was more than just my dad. He was my mentor, best friend and I will miss him terribly. He also taught me the you need to life life and not dwell on things that you can't change. So no matter what I will keep looking forward and believe that better things are right around the corner.
My other big event is buying a home that is truly mine. No longer will I ever have to feel that there is a chance I can find myself evicted on the whim of what ever a landlord decides. I am my own master. It took way too long. I find myself in the best possible position since before I was married.
I remember buying my own house more than 20 years ago and feeling proud that I could be owner of something so special. I thought I would live there forever. But that dream died with my failed marriage and I believed I could recover and rebuild but I always figured I would do it in the context of a relationship. Now I'm well over 50 and I need to concede that the time of having a wife and family are past and I need to embrace this next phase of my life. I have just a dozen working years left and I feel well situated to bridge those years in a place that is mine.
I have single friends who share the same fate as me and we all can rely on each other no matter what comes next. So even in my loneliness I am not alone. The people in the picture are myself, Tony, Chris and Coleen. Coleen called us her "man-tourage" which even though she said it with humor I still felt hurt. But it what I am and I need to recognize what my role is and make something happen somewhere else. This past year I've spent way too much energy on things that I'll never fix.
I did plenty on my boat in 2010 and I ended my season on a high note. I still didn't take any trips and haven't done any overnights in 2 years but I am making plans to change that next year. I have much to look forward to. I'm tired of waiting for a partner to join me. I'll go it alone now that I have an autohelm.
Just because I haven't found love doesn't mean I'm not going to feel complete. My resolution for next year is to keep doing things differently and stay focused on what ever is ahead. Watch me fly.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

One holiday down and one to go

The presents have all been unwrapped and all the food has been eaten and everyone is starting to get on with the post Christmas blahs. The picture is the best I could get with my camera of the family at Christmas Eve. There are a few missing... including myself as I was unable to maneuver myself to get into the frame. Also missing is my brother's wife as she chose to not attend due to the troubles they are having with their marriage. I won't give details on that since they have little to do with me. Also not in the picture for the first time is my dad who passed away last February. It's a little sad not having him there. He always loved Christmas.
You will note there is a dog ... a little white poodle that may or may not become a part of Barry's family. It's supposed to go home with his mom-in-law but there is some debate how well she can care for it. The dog has also really become attached to Barry. He follows him around everywhere. It was fun to watch and I'll be sad if he goes to the mom.
The rest of the weekend went as usual. I had breakfast at my sister's because the plan to do at my house didn't really work out. It's just as well since I have difficulty getting my house in order when no one else helps. I did bring all bacon, eggs and bagels so it was still a good thing. After breakfast I got a text for Coleen so I went there to exchange presents. She got me a shirt and I gave her a necklace. She showed me a leather coat she got as a give from Tommy - the new guy / old guy in her life. I say that because I just found out their relationship stretches way back to before she met me. She is not keeping it a secret anymore so I guess I'll make the best of it.
Sunday it snowed and no one really went anywhere until Monday night. Except for me ... I went to the bar and watched some football before the heavy stuff started. So I did make my way into the bar for happy hour on Monday night that turned into a late event. Got home at about 10:30. I also got into a long discussion with Jimmy and Lynnie about what a mess Coleen is. Jimmy and I both have the same feelings for her and have been put into the friend zone for some reason. I was so jealous of their relationship last year but I also think he would have been a better guy than the ones she has been seeing. So I got to vent a little more and said things I'd been not telling anyone... but also found out things I hadn't known. She does have a pattern of having multiple partners going at the same time. I also learned of the details from her fender bender accident last winter. With that I'm just realizing she has so much more baggage that I doubt I would handle that for very long. At this moment I'm thankful we aren't any more than friends.
With that I have much to think about. I do feel I am in a better place today than I was. I can handle what ever comes.

Monday, December 27, 2010


Yes. I'm reminiscing. This is a picture of me from more than 30 years ago with the first girl who ever loved me. My reason for putting this picture into the blog wasn't supposed to be about her but to mention that I now have a new picture scanner that I can use to copy old pictures into digital format. So I can begin the process of taking pictures out of old shoe boxes and put them into email, blog and facebook. This also means I'll be looking to get myself a new PC.

To anyone who wonders what ever happened to the girl I can tell the story. I met Shari while I was in college and she was still a high school girl. Because she was much younger then me I at first resisted her but it wasn't long before we were a couple. Even though I was older I was very inexperienced. Together we learned about love and sex. I didn't know it at the time but she was the best partner I would ever know. At least up until now. We were together for over a year but then she went to college and by Thanksgiving we were no longer together.

We tried to stay friends but over the next year or so we spoke less and less. There was no email then so long distance meant there we were not able to even exchange a word as years went by. I've managed to talk to her a couple of times since now you can find anyone over the Internet. She is the smartest person I've ever known. She got a doctorate in Biology and then became an patent attorney. She also had a little boy about 8 years ago. She lives somewhere out of state and last I'd heard she had been engaged to someone for something like 20 years. She must have finally gotten married. The last time we spoke was about 10 years ago. It was during that conversation that I realized the girl I knew had changed and while I was glad she had done so well I was never the right guy for her. I found a more recent picture on the Internet. To me she looks about the same even 30 years later.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Live For Today

I've had a somewhat productive day at work. I have just a little time so I thought I could add some words to my blog. Can't really talk about what is happening since it's been so quiet and I am not seeing any of my friends.
Last night I got a text message from Shannon in South Dakota. She has a new cell and is notifying the world with her new digits. We had a little back and forth about nothing special. I don't know what it is about text messaging but it seems like you can go back and forth for hours and not really say anything. But it eases the loneliness having a person out there listening to my blather. I wonder if it's a single person thing or would I still want to text even when I'm sitting with someone.
I used to get a lot of random text messages ... first from Lisa and then a lot of them from Coleen. I think I go quite a few from Tracy at one time. They never really amount to anything. I think it is just lonely girls looking for anyone who responds.
It seems like I've gotten away from all that stuff recently. No online chats either. All my conversations are in real time. Which means I'm having very little social contact. It's leaving feeling very lonely and isolated. I think what scares me most is how I'm getting used to it.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Christmas in 4 days.

I was considering taking the day off from blogging but I'm home and the pc is on so ... here goes.
It will be Christmas in just a few days and I am ready as you can expect. I have enough presents and I think everyone will be happy. I just wish I could be happy. I'm not so sad or depressed, it's just the same story as all the other years. I don't feel that anyone wants to make my Christmas special.
But I will keep my eyes open and see. Right now I'm not feeling so optimistic. Probably the nature of Mondays. Hopefully as the week goes on it will pick up.
Still a lot to do this week too. Christmas day I have invited my family to brunch and still need to get the groceries. I'll make that happen Wednesday. Coleen had said something about shopping Wednesday afternoon but I'm not really expecting her to call about that. She tends to disappear from me during the week. I was happy to have her with me for all the shopping I did.
The rest of my friends I am having so many doubts about. They just haven't really been there lately. I wonder if I'm doing it. I just don't care if they hang out with me or not. Janet seems to be in this perpetual bad mood lately. She has been very judgmental and I'm not sure what to make of that. We did have a decent chat today and I may host a dinner between the holidays for some friends so I can look forward to that.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Quick note for weekend

Got almost all of my Christmas shopping done and much of it is thanks to Coleen. She and I went to many stores on Friday, Saturday and Sunday and I never would have gotten it all done had I not been called by her. Still not getting anything romantic from her but she is a real friend who helped me get through all the stress of getting presents for all the people I needed to buy for. And she made it fun.
There is so much more including a death of someone who I am not very friendly with that Coleen knew and liked. But I am here on Sunday feeling like I am no closer to love but still I know there are people who know and love me and I am important.
But most of all I have all the shopping done and I can now look forward to Christmas without fear. I didn't make it to the gym and I feel bad about that but I'll make up for that soon enough. I haven't heard from Lisa and I don't know what to make of that but she is making her own way and I guess I should let her go in so far as she needs to move on.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Can't see the forest for the trees.

Just 10 days until Christmas and I have yet to even go into a store. I'll make a list and try to make some headway in the next 2 days. I'll be off from work Thursday and Friday so my goal is the get everything done this weekend. There was talk that Coleen was taking Friday off and she might help me shop but we will see.
I'm paid today so I can figure on what ever I spend will come from that money. I'm concerned that I have been going over whatever budget I have every month since I moved and I wonder if I'll be up against a financial wall by spring. I should really be watching my bottom line much better.
We had our first snow this week. Just an inch but it was the first time I'd been able to see snow falling outside the windows of my new place. Being on the second floor rather than the basement like I was before gives me so much more serenity. My house is on a hillside and if I look out my bedroom in the morning it is quite a site. Soon I'll take a picture and post it.
For some reason I had lots of trouble falling asleep last night. When I last looked at the clock it was close to 2 AM. I'm working in the office today so I was up at quarter to six. Just 4 hours of sleep is not enough. I had zero emails or conversations so I had no social outlets at all. I guess all those thoughts start to build up and by bed time my brain is going like crazy. I even did a work out at the gym and should have been exhausted. I really need to reach out to someone at night just so I can vent some thoughts.
I thought about calling Chris but I'm a little leery about getting too "friendy". Chris is a good guy but he has such quirks that he can be frustrating to talk to. He can be such a miser ... although it may be that he just doesn't make enough money to meet his needs. He owns his house and has no mortgage since he'd paid that off some time back. He does have a loan on the house but that's practically nothing. His big expense is child support but how much can that be?
I try to give him my best advice but really ... where do I come from? But I need to tell you ... his house is in need of updating in the worst way. Everything there has to be at least 30 years old. And he refuses to turn up the heat past 60 degrees. He has to be the last hold out to get cable tv. That's right, broadcast television. No computer either. At least he has a phone. So I asked him what his daughter does when she is there, his response is that she hasn't been there in at least 4 years.
So with him no longer involved with the ex I am harping to him to update the house. I should probably mind my own business but I feel sad that he lives like a shut in. He needs to find ways to bond with his daughter and should get her to feel like it is her home too. He doesn't see it.
I need to take care of my own issues ans not focus on fixing his. That's why I hesitate to get too involved with Chris and all that goes with that. I know I have this thing where I try to be the "fixer" and that is one on my co-dependent triggers. Of course that typically only applies to women and I don't have nearly the discipline I should.
Time to start work.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

A good day for Chris

This is my friend Chris. He called me last night to tell me about his daughter's music concert. She plays viola in the high school orchestra. Chris and I have been bonding over our inability to land a woman.
His situation is rather unique. He was married and divorced more than 20 years ago. About 13 years ago he met the mother of his child, Marianna, who is now 12. They were never married but he has been engaged to her not once but twice. That was more than 3 years ago but he still loves her and had hopes of making a life together. That all came apart for him this summer. Seems the woman had indicated to him that they could be a couple but then 2 months later she started seeing someone else. This has him reeling. So we have been both looking for something new while we both lament the loss of what we really wanted.
Chris was debating whether to go to since he doesn't want to see the mom. I told him he should go and be his daughter's dad and not let his hurt prevent him from sharing the moment with his daughter. Last thing he said was he didn't think he could do it. So long story short, he called me to say thanks for convincing him to go. He said it was a great moment as he got to make eye contact with Marianna while she performed. Afterwards she found him and gave him the biggest hug. Hearing this almost made me cry. Twinge of jealousy, but also I was glad for him.
So that all worked out. Now a little about me. Chris was able to spot the ex, who was there with her mom and no sign of the new boyfriend, which was Chris' biggest fear. He took my advice and rose above it. I guess I get points for being a good friend. Why do I have such good friend skills but no ability to make a girl see me romantically? Being a good person doesn't seem to count for anything.
I can't help but think I spend too much time with women who see me as a friend and I should look to be with male friends so I can look more available. At least that's what I'll try for the next while.

Monday, December 13, 2010

New places new faces

The end of another weekend. It's Monday. Even though I never made any plans I did all the usual things and saw all the usual people. Friday I called Janet and we meet up with Roberta and had drinks in a different place than usual. I don't know. Seems like we just have nothing much to say any more. Even going somewhere new wasn't much fun. We decided to go to a place that had some live music which turned out to be pretty lame.
While there I saw Coleen's brother, Steve. He told me the family was struggling with the sudden death of a second cousin. It wasn't someone who they were real close to but there was a wake and grief that comes with a death. So obviously that was why Coleen hadn't been in touch with me. At least that is what I thought. She was dealing with 2 deaths in 2 weeks.
On Saturday I was home doing nothing all day. The phone rings at about 3 o'clock and it's mailman Chris. I told him I wasn't planning to do much and I could meet him for a drink and then maybe we could hang out and have dinner somewhere. I'm thinking I need to stop doing Saturday nights with women who have no interest in me. So I went up to the bar and while there I saw Coleen who said she had been sent me text messages but I had not responded ... so obviously her phone was not working or she was just saying that as an excuse. I am reasonable sure it was her phone because on Sunday morning I got 6 messages from her all at once. She told me she changed something and they all were delivered. Whatever.
So I spent my Saturday having dinner with a guy ... no women for one night. We both want to find the right girl and we both are getting the same result. We can maybe find new places to go where I can meet someone without some girl who sees me only as a friend getting in the way. We will see how that works.

Friday, December 10, 2010

No Plans

Absolutely nothing has happened this week. I've barely spoken to anyone. As I become more lonely I seem to get more isolated. But I need to not go to the same places and doing the same things as this has not gotten me anywhere. I know that before I can let in the new I need to purge some of the old. So I sit and ponder my options. I have sent emails to friends and had a conversation or 2 but other than going to the gym I haven't done a thing. And no one has called me. And no one is including me in their plans.
Maybe it's just everyone is doing their Christmas shopping. I still need to do that although I have not even compiled a list for who I need to buy for. It feels like no one will be looking for my presents under the tree this year. I'm sure this is just a down year and maybe even just a slow week. I've been down this path before and always been able to find myself a new way.
I'm sure it's just perception and not really anything has changed. Who knows ... it could all be different by tomorrow. I don't have any idea what I'm doing tonight after work. I am working from my living room so what ever I do it can start right at 5. I don't really want to go to the bar for happy hour but with no other options I may just go down there. I need social contact or I will go buggy. Maybe I'll get a call like I did last week.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

I need a Plan B

Heard from Coleen last night. She sent me a text that said "Not doing very well". Didn't know what to make of that so followed that up by talking on the phone. It seems that her "friend" Tommy has a brother who was shot and killed by the brother's son of all people last week. This happened somewhere upstate so it wasn't really big news around here, but it was in the paper on page 20. I must have missed it. She said she was at the wake last Friday night but not the funeral. At least I know where she was on Friday and why she went so quiet all weekend.
I'm not sure how I handled myself during this discussion. I didn't know the brother and I barely know Tommy so I didn't make the pretense of telling her to say anything or even to say sorry to her. I just mumbled something about it's 2 years since the ex-wife has been dead. Then I asked how he was and she said he hasn't even called. Clearly she was upset but not wanting to talk too much about it. She has been dealing with a chest cold that has not gotten better in almost 2 weeks. I reminded her she should get more rest. Last thing she said was I should call her tomorrow after work. I wish I hadn't said I would.
Before I spoke to Coleen I had been on the phone with Chris. I was wondering if he had gone to the bar on Sunday to see football. He said he did briefly and didn't do much else. We are trying to come up with Plan B - Plan A was the singles event from last month. He said he went to some kind of workshop for people struggling with loss of relationships. Then he went to see music in a new place. I said I'd like to go to that next time ... the music not the workshop.
That covers my whole evening. I never did talk to anyone else. Not even by email during the day. I considered calling Janet just to say hello and again say thanks for dinner on Sunday. I thought better of it. I'm starting to use her like she is my fake girlfriend and I think I should leave it alone. We both know how it is.

Monday, December 6, 2010

More Talk and No Action

I want to write something significant but I'm not sure if I can make anything coherent out of today's thoughts. I never did watch any football yesterday. Instead I spent the day with Janet at her house. We put ornaments on her tree and she cooked dinner.
We shared some beer and then some wine and we talked and talked. We got into some personal things that I never expected we would talk about. Things started with me and how I am trying real hard to find someone special in my life. Then at some point we talked about her and what her issues are. Seems she hasn't really been open to anyone in quite a while. She only seems attracted to men who are much younger than she is. She also mentioned something about waiting out someone who is married. I don't know if it was the smart thing to do but I never asked her to name names or any details. It was probably the drinks but it was interesting to see her open up about where she is going with her life.
One of the things that we seem to have a constant topic about is how she feels that she expects never to retire and will work well into her 70's. That's pretty far away but not so far she shouldn't be preparing for it. I am at least thinking about my retirement although there are more than 10 years of work before that day comes. From there she talks about how she expects to always be on her own with no thought of a man to spend her life with. This always shocks me since I know she is attractive and probably has been approached by men all the time. She says she can see me with someone before she can picture it for herself. She also adds the caveat that it would never be us together. Then she says she could see how she could have a man spend the day with her just like we were doing.
Like I said ... we were into maybe our third glass of wine so it became a very odd talk from that point on. I went on and on about how I have to find some romance somewhere and I was now willing to put my heart on the line. She was saying I have taken all the steps I need to and now I need to just let things happen a little.
So I left her house at about 9 PM and still wondering what to feel. We don't have that thing but we can sit together all weekend and it's very comfortable. I was really glad to have not gone into the bar all weekend but wonder if spending time with Janet is really so great either. There was a point when I first got there where I wanted to only stay an hour and then never made an excuse to leave. It's odd that she wants me there but doesn't want me.
This weekend there was no Coleen at all ... she typically sends me a text just to say hi and to see if I'd come out to watch the football game. But she never did. I was home and wondered about that so I go and send her on at about 9:30. There was no response. I'm trying not to over analyze this but my little brain can't seem to help it. I wonder if she talked to someone and now I am on her shit list. Which may not be such a bad thing. It would certainly be easy to push her out of the picture if she wasn't constant calling me.
It's Monday and that's pretty much it for the day.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

I can make a good thing bad

Friday night's trip home from work on the train got messed up thanks in part to the LIRR and also my inability to listen to announcements. I was sitting on my train listening to my iPod waiting for the train to leave Penn Station when suddenly all the people on the train started getting up and off the train. I jump up and am told they care cancelling this train and we all need to go to track 18 and get on a substitute train. I get to that train and see no signs of anything so I made the mistake of asking another passenger what the right train is. She said they changed it again to track 14 so I go running over to that and got on. This turned out to be the wrong train although it did go to Jamaica so at least I was going the right way. Problem was my connection left before I got there and the next train wasn't for 45 minutes. This on a Friday ... the only night I ever have some reason to get home.
But I had no real plans as no one seemed to be available. So while on the train I bump into a fellow bar friend Jimmy. And then I get a call from Janet and we made dinner plans. I went from feeling lonely to being thrilled to have a plan. I got home and then I was at Janet's and we shared dinner and she let me pay. Not much more than the usual. We drank wine and talked and she made me leave a little after 11.
It was a nice evening and what do I need to go and do .... I am driving home and I tried to take a short cut home and found the road has been closed so I needed to circle back to get home. In doing this I made the mistake of doing a drive-by Coleen's house and noticed her car was not in the driveway. Means she is shacking up somewhere. Stupid - right. Why am I doing this? At least she hasn't sent me any messages all weekend.
I've spent the rest of the weekend home alone doing more or less nothing. I did catch Bridges of Madison County movie. Since I'd only just finished the book it was a thrill to see the movie again.
Well... kickoff soon so I need to finish this up. Maybe I can find a way to expand this tomorrow.

Friday, December 3, 2010


I finished Bridges of Madison County while riding on the train last night. Probably not an ideal thing for me right now. Made me cry ... yes, I was crying on the train over a book. I'm becoming such a weenie. Still, I did find it to be a good book. I know everyone has seen the movie but I just decided to read it on a whim. I was surprised by some of the differences from the movie. Reading about how love can just happen and to people who are about the same age as I am gives me optimism. I keep worrying that as my life is slipping away I won't feel that kind of thing. I know the book is fiction but it does happen.
So I'll keep trying to improve myself and try to be happy alone while always hoping I can find someone who wants to share a piece of their life with me. I just need to keep looking in different places.
It's been a quiet week and I feel a little more alone than usual. It's Friday and the beginning of the weekend and I want to go out and enjoy myself but none of my friends seem to be willing to do anything outside the usual crap and I'm struggling with that. No one has called me and no text messages ... not even Coleen. I guess she finally realized that I need to have my string pulled anymore. That leaves a pretty big hole in the rest of my life. It's a strange feeling having no one to obsess over. Probably a good thing and maybe it will start to feel normal at some point. I've been here before and gotten myself sucked back in but this time it feels different. More permanent. I keep having conversations with myself about what I'd like to say if given the chance. I'd like to ask how I reached a level of closeness with someone who never wanted more than just casual friendship. One thing that this blog allows me to do is go back to old posts and get a feel for what I was thinking back when I first meet different women. How did I so quickly let myself start to fall for someone and then let it fester for what has now been years. I looked at how after just a couple of conversations with Coleen she was sending me text messages asking me to come out. I guess I was reading so much more into it but I knew within a month she wasn't going for me like I wanted.
Now I want to know better. I had a lot of the same experiences with Lisa and the big difference is Lisa and I talked about it. She told me how she only wanted friendship even though she knew how much more I wanted. She talked of how guilty she felt. I never really understood what that meant except that what ever attraction women look for I don't have. I wish I could fix that and I am trying but nothing has made any difference. As much as I hate being rejected I have rejected more women than I can remember and in almost every case it wouldn't have mattered what the could do to change I would never have felt that kind of attraction. Jami comes to mind. I like Jami and she has indicated to me that she would like to see me in a dating situation but I just can't. I have no feelings for her other than what we are. Friends. But here is what I perceive as different... I don't go to dinner with her. I don't call her just to say hello. I don't put her in a position of being confused about how I might start to change my feelings.
So in my solitude I think about this.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Walls and Bridges

Last night's solitude was interrupted by a call from my mom. It was a welcome interruption. The phone call lasted some 30 to 40 minutes. I was just in a chatty mood. It was a good release. We talked at length about Lisa and her how she is struggling with her dad's illness. He has Parkinson's and I believe this has made Lisa more distant as she is dealing with her family pretty much full time now. I miss her but I need to let her go.
The rest of my day was uneventful. I am reading The Bridges of Madison County. It's a small book and I'll probably have it done before the weekend. It's hard to read for me now. The idea of reading about a star crossed love probably isn't a good thing. But I've seen the movie and I already know the ending. It is interesting to read about how 2 relative strangers can meet and how the spark of love can fire up so quickly. My experiences have a similar theme in that the only real love I've ever felt became physical almost immediately. The idea that I can expect someone I've known for years to suddenly see me in a romantic light is just not my reality.
So I lose myself in the romantic notions in a book for a few days. I get optimistic just knowing it's possible. Of course it will never happen as long as I am sitting in my house alone reading. So I am starting to give more thought to Plan B. Plan A was going to the sailing for singles event 2 weeks ago. It just seems like all the members of that group are older and mostly in retirement. I have considered getting back into scuba but my experiences were that men outnumber women 10 to 1. Skiing is another possibility. I will keep my eyes open. I may also look into joining a hiking club. I just know that I need to do things that I love and hope that someone finds me interesting. For sure I'm never going to get what I want at the local bar. I've spent way too much energy doing that.
Those are all long term goals but in the short term I need to find something interesting to do for the weekend. I am anxious to try something new. I have some ideas but I may just relax at home for a change while I refocus. I think I can use some me time for a while and let some of the people in my life come to me for a change. Maybe I will just take my camera out and take random pictures. That's the influence of Madison County.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Darkness Falls

Time to turn the page on another month. It is now December. I'm hard pressed to remember if anything good has ever happened for me in December so I'm looking at this month with dread. Let me count the ways.
December 2 years ago is the month that wife died. It was also the month that John Lennon was killed. The year John Lennon was killed was also the year my very first girlfriend broke up with me. 30 years ago. I will never forget how much that hurt. It just isn't a time that I find good things happening. Christmas should be such a happy time and for the most part it is. But my feelings of loneliness are always at it's peak right now. I only have my extended family, but they all have their families. I am wife-less, childless and love-less. Seeing family members with all those things are especially depressing. And this year there isn't even anyone I'll be buying something special for. Okay - enough pity party.
I made it into the gym last night and continue to feel energized by it. I can actually look in the mirror and not cringe. I will keep at it as it has become the best thing in my life right now. I was actually looking around thinking I could meet someone there. It's the only place that there are new faces that I can meet. I am also considering trying the the sailing social again in 2 weeks. Maybe this time I'll go without Chris just to see what happens.