Wednesday, August 31, 2011


I managed to make it through another birthday without anyone making a fuss over me. My brother Barry came by during the day and we had lunch. I had an offer to have dinner with Carolyn but decided to eat with my sister and her family instead. Lisa called just to chat and she forgot it was my birthday. I had to remind her. Mom mailed me a card. That was pretty much it. No presents. I guess I will treat myself to something at some point. I made it through my money crisis - today I got paid. I hope I can get to the 15th a little better this time. I'm pretty sure I have no unexpected expenses coming in the next 2 weeks.
Now that the storm is over there is just the aftermath to deal with. My boat is fine and once my lights came on on Monday I was pretty well back to normal. The office closed on Monday and with no power I had the whole day open. I took my food to my sisters and got on the boat early and returned it back to it's normal state and it wasn't even lunch time. I spent a good part of the day napping and listening to the radio. Since I only had a couple of dollars and was still waiting for payday on Wednesday I figured I would just bum around all day.
The weather outside was sunny and warm so I sat outside for a while. Then at about 3 I got a call from Carolyn. She was at work and her son was home with no power. I knew there was a generator there and with nothing else to do I figured I would go over there and see if it would start. First I needed to open the garage. I managed to find the bypass to the electric door opener and get inside. Then got the generator out to the driveway with Wayne's help. I only had a vague idea how it worked but within 10 minutes it was running. Within an hour we had power to the refrigerator and freezer and had a light in the kitchen.
So I spent the rest of the afternoon with Carolyn's son Wayne playing chess ... he's good but not good enough to beat me. I was basically waiting for Carolyn to get home. Odd thing about them... they don't watch TV. Wayne likes the Internet but I haven't figured out what Carolyn does to relax. When Carolyn got home she fired up the grill and reheated some pasta. It was a nice dinner. I was there until almost 11. I was more than ready to go. To be honest I am frustrated. I was glad when I got home and found the lights were on.
Tuesday was my birthday and since no trains were running I set up to work from home. Before I'd even gotten started I got a call from Carolyn. I thought she was just calling to wish me happy birthday, but she really wanted me to come and start the generator. Apparently Wayne wouldn't do it. I got him on the phone and told him he needed to get it done. He was really getting me mad. He is a good kid but he is very hard to motivate. I thought he would just take care of it but I guess I expect too much from a 14 year-old.
Carolyn met me later so I could give her a 5 gallon gas can for the diesel. I asked her if Wayne is always like that and she says only with her. He reacts different when a man tells him something. I threw my 2 cents in if for no other reason than to get it out. I said I'm not his dad and he needs to step up more. But I dropped it from there. She is doing her best. So if you wonder why I'm not pushing to be her guy that is a big part of it. It's become apparent to me that she is a package deal and I'm not that anxious to go there.
Later I called her and she really wanted me to come by. But I wanted to go home. I just didn't want to go. She doesn't want to sleep with me and other than getting together to go out on the boat I'm becoming very uninterested. I did make a promise to take them out tonight. We will see.
With that I spent my birthday home alone. Not the first time and probably won't be the last.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Irene was a bitch

I survived Hurricane Irene intact. I am now out the other side better than I was. I walked out my front door in the morning and this is what I saw. Some branches were down and a few big trees went over but not in front of my house. You can't see it in this picture but there are some big branches and trees on the ground way down the street. The lights were out at about 2 AM and they did not come back on until late Monday night ... slightly less than 48 hours.

I moved my freezer stuff to my sister's house as she did not lose her lights at all. My house was never really a concern so I didn't spend much time worrying about it. It was the boat that was my biggest worry. I woke up early and of course there were not lights. I managed to get the radio working and learned that the hurricane was now a tropical storm and would be right over the marina right about the same time as high tide. I figured the best thing would be to park up the street and walk down the hill. It was a little scary as the wind was still howling but the rain wasn't coming down as hard. When I got to the beach there was no beach. The water was flowing right into the parking lot.

I got to the boats and I knew I needed to slack lines as the boats were being pushed up higher than the limit of the docks. I had this picture in my mind of seeing boats all half sunk and in disarray. I was relieved to see all the boats afloat. It wasn't quite high tide yet so there were still things to worry about. I had a bad feeling that I had not put out enough slack on my boat or Carolyn's boat. When I got there I could see that I was right and jumped on Carolyn's boat right away and let some line out. With that I checked my boat and that was fine. Within the hour the tide started to recede and the crisis was mostly over. I was tired and soaking wet but I felt like all my fears were unfounded.

I called Carolyn and told her all the boats were fine and she could relax. Of course her lights were out and they still are to now. I guess I can talk about that in my next post.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Waiting is the hardest part

I was having a hard time sleeping last night and overslept. I missed my train. I guess I’m a little worried about this storm coming. I have a few things to prepare that I will try to do tonight. When I get home tonight I will head down to the marina and get as much stuff down below as I can. I am planning to add some extra lines and try to get things as safe as I can.
The forecasters are driving me crazy. The NYC weather people keep saying it will go east and might cross LI in Queens. But Newsday predicts it will come ashore somewhere near Bayshore. That puts the marina right about in the middle. What ever happens will happen at about midday Sunday. High tide is at about 10:30 AM. That will be when there is the most at risk.
That will be my entire weekend. There isn't any money available until Wednesday so hopefully I don't need to do anything like gas up the car or go out for food. The plans for Saturday was to see J. Geils' Band but that's been cancelled. I'm sure come Monday I will be involved with cleaning up. There is a chance to get out for a little bit tonight. Maybe something will come of that.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Big Storm Coming

Hurricare Irene is heading this way and I expect that this weekend's activities will be impacted. My sister has tickets to a great concert on Saturday but it looks unlikely that it will happen. I recall this occurring a few years ago where we had a show get cancelled and we never had the storm but I can't remember the specifics. Maybe I can look it up in a prior entry.
I took my last $20 out of my checking account yesterday so I could buy cat litter and motor oil. I'm not sure which one I more desperately needed but I have all of $14 left until next Wednesday. Since my birthday is Tuesday that pretty much means a very subdued celebration. Maybe the storm is good since I won't feel like I'm missing much as everyone hunkers down to ride it out. I went down to the boat to check on what I need to do last night.
Just prior to midnight I got text messaged from Carolyn. She is worried about her boat but since I'd gone to check on it I told her everything was fine with her boat as well as mine. She wants to take down her canvas today. I will need to do the same but probably wait until Saturday. Storm should hit late enough that I can get it done. I am a little concerned.
Carolyn and I haven't spoken all week so I was glad to hear from her although it would have been nice to plan something. She seems to be super busy so I'll give her time and space and not worry too much about it. I think she knows how I feel and the best thing for me to do is just leave it alone.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

What to do?

I don't know why I keep obsessing on things that I can't change. I knew this would happen to me even as I was experiencing it. I'm referring to Lisa. Ten days ago she came to my house and told me how she isn't getting along too well with Carmine. Even as she told me this I knew I there were bells and whistles going off in my head.

I've been thinking about this constantly ever since. I mean why would she need to come to my house to tell me about this. I'm of the opinion that Lisa is like a chess player and she always has three more moves she wants to make. Is she telling me because she needs a place to land or did she just want to unburden herself? If I had been more up front would she have slept with me?

Last Friday I saw Carolyn instead of her mostly because Carolyn called me first. I am so conflicted about that decision. Was Lisa there alone or was Carmine with her? Was she considering making a move towards me? Things I'm never going to know since I haven't spoken to Lisa since. I've also not really talked to Carolyn since that night. Maybe I've been playing one off the other and neither one is responding to that. Being as I'm on a tight budget for the next week I can't really call and see if I can make something happen. So I'm feeling very powerless and alone.

But I am following the course I set out on and need to maintain focus. If something happens I would like to be ready for it. I still have three more months of loan payments before I can again have some financial flexibility.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Nobody loves you when you are down and out

I've been taking a longer and longer time between posts. Maybe it's lack of inspiration or maybe it's just summer. It seems like all my blogger friends have been away for the month and ignored the blog. I just hope everyone is having fun and not in any serious problems preventing access to the Internet.
My life on the edge continues. My edge right now is financial in that I've pretty much spent all my walking around money with 2 weeks before my next paycheck. This because my IRS tax bill came due and since I'd given them the info needed to draw the money from my checking account they did just that. Up until then I'd paid via check and figured they were accepting that and I would be able to send the last of the money on the 1st. I consider it fortunate that I had enough to pay and still was able to pay all my bills as well. Just not I can't really do anything that requires money.
So on Friday I got a call from Carolyn to have a drink before she went into the grocery store I told her I would love to come but she would have to pay. I'd already told her about what happened to me so she was sympathetic and we enjoyed a drink. While I was there I got a text from Lisa to come to GC Downtown to hear the music. She had said she would be there with her fiance and since I never committed I didn't think she would miss me. When Lisa started texting me I showed it to Carolyn and she was telling me I should go. This made me conflicted and also bothered me for another reason I'll get to.
If Lisa had told me she would be there alone I might have been more open to it but since she has told me she how she feels that her future with Carmine seems to be almost at an end I'm not feeling like I want to hang with them together. At that moment my prospects with Carolyn seemed more realistic than whatever Lisa has up her sleeve. Especially since Carolyn called me and it would just be the two of us.
But then when Carolyn started insisting I should have gone to see the band in GC it made me start to wonder just how much she wanted me there. She suddenly seems so indifferent to things. We have spent a lot of time together in the last few months and I've really enjoyed getting to know her but clearly this is not evolving like I'd hoped. So with that I said good night before it was too late and was home by 10.
Meanwhile the weather had turned nasty, with thunder, lightning, wind and rain. So I knew the music was probably over pretty early. I returned a last text to Lisa who said she would be busy most of the weekend.
And that was pretty much that for the weekend. Since I was totally broke I couldn't do much of anything and no one even called me to see how I was. I spent most of my entire Saturday and Sunday in the house with the cat. I've been here before. I go from having multiple choices on Friday to nothing for the rest of the foreseeable future. It usually turns around at some point. My birthday is a week from tomorrow so let's hope I can find someone who at least will say hello before then.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Grounded until the end of the month.

Seems like I'm not posting as much as I was earlier this summer. Life is in a holding pattern everywhere right now. I am getting out and did take Wednesday off to take Carolyn and her kids to the beach. Well, fact is they took me as it was their plan and not mine. But I did feel very much like a part of the family.
That is right up to the point where Carolyn had a phone call from her attorney notifying her that her brother had filed papers asking that she pay him monies out of her mother's estate in the amount of $20,000 plus court costs, what ever they are. Naturally she was freaking out pretty much for the rest of the day. I pretty much had to try to settle her down between moments of crying and rage. And we aren't even a couple or even had anything that would indicate to me we will ever have that.
To top it all off I bought dinner for them at an outdoor restaurant and my debit card had insufficient funds and was denied. Lucky I had my Visa with me and had just enough to pay with that. I estimated that I had more than $300 in my account so it was a mystery to me what had happened. When I looked up my account when I arrived home the IRS had banged my account for $313. I knew I owed that and I had made payments with checks regularly since April. I did give them permission to access my account but they had waited for me to remit by check in July so I was hoping I could send the money later in the month. But it is done and now I'm left with about $20 until next paycheck which is not until last day of August. All my bills are paid and there is food in my house so I just would need money for walking around. But I won't be doing much of that unless I can float some kind of loan. I may just stay around the house the next 2 weekends and go out on the boat.
Money problems and not much else so it's easy to see why I've been not putting much here. Don't expect much the next 2 weeks.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Cold day in August

Seems as though every time I think my life is headed in one direction something happens to make me feel like I am going down an icy road with no brakes. Things have more or less completely stalled with Carolyn. She found other things to do this weekend than spend with me. This despite the fact that I spent Saturday taking her son out on the boat all day. I am not even sure where she was since she didn't find time to talk to me other than a single text message last night.

I did go to her house late Friday night though. Wayne had lost his phone somewhere the week before and when I looked under the seat of my car there it was. I used this as an excuse to go see her after watching the music in Downtown GC. She was planning to go to work on Saturday and she was also dealing with her daughter's car repair. So I just planned my Saturday around taking Wayne out and in fact we really had a wonderful day of sailing. It was the first time Wayne had been sailing a big boat and there wasn't much wind early in the day so we got a chance to relax and sailed the boat around the Sound. As the day continued the wind built and by late afternoon we were moving along nicely. We had to tack a number of times before I started up the engine at about 5:00. It was a good day.

By the time we cleaned the boat and got things closed up at was past 6. I called Carolyn to see if we could plan dinner but I only got voice mail. So I ended up dropping Wayne off at home and spent my Saturday night wondering why I didn't hear from her. I would have thought she would have called if only to see how her son was. So now I'm thinking it was Saturday and I believe she was working but she had to finish that at some point. My mind is thinking she had a date and didn't want to tell me about it. Or she finished work and was so spent from that she just wasn't up to a conversation. What ever it is I'm feeling a little minimized.

Sunday we had talked about going to the store. There was a huge rain all morning so I was not surprised that it didn't happen. But I also never heard from her all day. So that with Saturday silence gives me the impression she is just not ever going to be any more than someone I can see as a friend. When she sent me a text late on Sunday night she stated that the car was having major problems. I am trying to rationalize this into being a very stressful event that she was having and didn't want to deal with anything. Fine.

I managed to get other things done on Sunday. I went to the liquoer store and bought groceries. While I was out I got a text that Lisa wanted to stop by. That never happens but I told her I would be home in an hour. I thought she just wanted to find out from me all about Carolyn since I'd not really told her anything. Turns out there was more than that. She has been living with Carmine for about 4 years and they got engaged last New Years. While I'm more than a little attracted to her, she has always been my number one, I have been trying to let her go as much as possible. Still we have emails and phone calls at least once a week. So even with that I was shocked when she told me she was not very happy with her relationship. They don't share much intimacy... okay ... sex. She said weeks and months go by. My response was that I only wish it was months because for me it's been years. I actually heard myself asking her to come into the bedroom and solve both our problems. Of course she said no. That clearly wasn't what she had on her mind.

So after she unloaded her problems to me she left and I had the rest of the night to ponder what I think may happen next. My only conclusion is all women are messed up and I should feel lucky I'm single and have all my options open.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

I got no game

I really have no idea what I'm doing any more. Things can never be easy. I seem to be wasting my time on people that don't want the things that I do. I know I shouldn't complain but life is so very hard sometimes. I have money issues mounting day by day. I see a solution but that will take about 4 months. Can I last that long. What will my sacrifices need to be.
Monday night I managed to get myself invited to Carolyn's for dinner and then we made plans to do some night time fishing off of her boat with her son Wayne. Both of these things were fun although not really leading anywhere. There was a discussion with her about her past relationships and how she now feels in general about things. I am sort of reaching the conclusion that Carolyn has almost become phobic about any intimacy at all. I now feel her not wanting to kiss me is more a reflection on her life than on how she feels about me. What is so odd is how flirty she can be with people she has just met. I an no therapist but I can gather from what she has told me there there has been some abuse in her life, both physical and mental. I am doubting that I could ever be the one who is strong enough to get her past that.
So with that let me get to what is bothering me today. Last night the three of us returned from fishing, where we caught exactly zero fish, it was late, maybe a little past 11. As you might expect the marina was quiet with us being the only boat with people on it. We get into the dock and Carolyn notices there is a note that someone has left for her. It was a request for a date from some other guy who has a boat. At first Carolyn was a little upset, but I told her she should be a little flattered. And I guess maybe she was. I didn't see what she did with the note but I don't think she threw it away.
But here is my thing ... he did this while she was out with me. I can't say for sure if he saw me but geez, do I have so little game that guys can just proposition girls right in front of me when I am taking them out? How would I be able to change that? My ego is taking a big hit today. It would be one thing if Carolyn was actually getting close to me but since I don't see that coming my mind is playing out an entire process where I'm left behind and I get to see the girl I like go off with some guy that just shows up. I know it isn't really Carolyn's fault that guys are as attracted to her as I am. I don't know if I want to see where this goes.

Monday, August 8, 2011

More of the same?

Has it really been a week already? I don't know why but I have been procrastinating everything lately. I must be regressing because I found myself out to dinner with Coleen last week. Out of no where she called and wanted to go to our favorite Indian restaurant. I am still very much infatuated by her even if I now no longer feel like she is ever going to see me in a sexual way. I was feeling a like Carolyn and I are stuck in neutral so I accepted her invite and it was a nice night out even if I can't really afford it right now.
The original plan was to go out on Tuesday but it got changed to Thursday. I wasn't considering Wednesday because for the last month I'd been getting together with Carolyn on Wednesday and I wanted to leave myself the opportunity. But Carolyn never got in touch with me and since it was raining I kind of figured being outside wasn't a good plan. But I went down to the boat anyway and Carolyn was there. We kind of had an odd moment where I just made excuses about the rain. She was fine but still she seems to have expectations. So I told her I'd talk to her later in the week.
The dinner with Coleen was okay. She wanted to know all about Carolyn. I kind of told her that things are just doing boat things and not romantic although I do see possibilities. She said she was very happy for me which just confuses the hell out of me. She got a little mad when I must have said something about her and Carolyn as she said I should not compare the two of them. To be honest I don't think I would. But like always she came back around and we had an enjoyable dinner. I drove the car home even though it was her car and the whole way home she kept trying to find songs that I would sing the words to. I guess she likes it when I sing in the car. I've missed those kind of things.
Friday at the end of the day I sent an email to Carolyn just to see if there would be any response. She was sending me back one word replies so I just figured she was wrapped up in some situation and didn't seem to want to commit to anything after work. I was also assuming she had plans with someone else. I mean she is so attractive I have to think she gets propositioned all the time. So it was a big surprise when at 7 o'clock my phone rang and she was calling to see if I'd come out. She was at a restaurant bar near where I used to live so I knew where she was. I am so easy. I was in my car on my way to her within 5 minutes. I got there and she was surrounded by 2 waiters and the bartender. It was a restaurant bar so no one else was there. Eventually the "staff" went to work and I had her to myself. We drank a bottle of wine and then I went with her to the grocery store. How we ended up doing that I'm not even really sure.
We made a plan for Saturday night but at 6 PM she called and cancelled leaving me pretty much high and dry. I ended up staying in the house and making an early night. I didn't even have a drink. By Sunday I was feeling a little lonely and sorry for myself. I amused myself by playing computer baseball.
The weather on Sunday was forecast to be cloudy with rain all day. But at 11 o'clock I saw sunshine and was shocked that it stayed that way. I wish I had taken the boat out but I wasn't going down there without any plan. Then at a little past 12 I got a text message from Coleen. I tried to see if she would go to the beach. She said she would meet me at the bar which I thought meant we would go to the beach from there. But what she really wanted was to grab some food there and hang out. That was my best offer all weekend so I met her there. While there Carolyn called me. How do I go from nothing on Saturday and then on Sunday I double down? I ended up taking Carolyn and her son Wayne out to dinner. And I am tentatively having dinner there tonight.
I figure if we keep making plans there has to be something going on. At least I can't say I'm lonely. Is this different or more of the same?

Monday, August 1, 2011

Another summer weekend gone.

Friday, Saturday and Sunday were good times with all different people. Mostly. Seems like my weekend are gone in a blur and suddenly here I am back in the office trying to assess what happened. I guess I can start with Friday.

For some strange reason Coleen wants to spend time with me and I have been avoiding it. I went down to see the music Friday and she had indicated to me she would be there. Then she texted me that she was in the bar and that I should come there. But I had some things to do first and never did make it there. When I go downtown the music was just getting started so I went straight there and saw Janet and Roberta right away. While it was nice to see them I'm just not feeling like I want to hang out with them so much any more. I get such a strange vibe now as if there is a wall gone up and I'm responsible for it. Which I know is true. The music was this really good Motown cover band and Roberta just loves to dance and so do I so before too long I was on the dance floor with her.

For some reason I wasn't really into it. My feet hurt and my back was sore and I really just wasn't feeling like I wanted to be there. Was it because I had hopes that Coleen would come down or maybe I just wanted to hear from Carolyn. It was mostly that. Lisa had also mentioned she wanted to come down but she called and said she was going to a wake. Whatever it was I was trying to forget all that and enjoy the moment when Janet was there dancing with us. Then this random guy came over and was dancing with Janet and I couldn't figure out who he was but Janet must know him. For some reason it bothered me.

It all goes back to what I suspect is this secret life Janet has that she wants no one to know about. Or at least she doesn't want me to know about. It's a big part of why I no longer feel comfortable around these girls any more. They don't want dates or boyfriends but they have their little hookups and I'm supposed to not notice or care. I just wanted out and I stayed and listened to the music and no one else showed up or called so I was looking for my first opportunity to get the hell out of there. Janet disappeared into the downtown bar (not the regular bar that I hang out in) and then Roberta also went in... in theory to use the bathroom, and i waited 5 or 10 minutes and when they didn't come back out I headed home without saying goodbye. I felt bad about that but I just was ready to go home.

I headed for the car and was home in time to see the end of the Met game. They won which was the best part of my night.

Saturday morning I made it into the gym for the first time in almost 2 weeks. I know I've got to do better if only so I can feel less self conscious when I take my shirt off on the boat. I called Carolyn and while I couldn't get her to come out on the boat we made a plan for Sunday. So then I spoke to Lisa and we made a plan to go sailing. Then Chris said her could go and Lisa had her sister Ellen come too. Turned out to be a good day although Lisa needed to be done early so she could go out to dinner with C. So they were gone and I made an okay dinner with Chris and looked forward to Sunday with Carolyn.

I wish I could say we have something going with Carolyn but it's still the same. I am fine with what we are. She needs me to be a friend and I have to put my needs away and be her friend. She's worth it. I am having one of my best boating summers ever and while Carolyn is not looking for anything more then that she does hint occasionally that she just needs time and her future is so unsettled it would be bad if I started to count on her for anything. She keeps talking about how once the fall rolls around she will need to move away. She does make me feel like I'm the man and even if there isn't the romance I feel more loved than anyone else in a long time.

We spent the day anchored and caught some fish. I have some pictures but for what ever reason I can't seem to get them to load from my camera to this. They may show up on another post.