I really have no idea what I'm doing any more. Things can never be easy. I seem to be wasting my time on people that don't want the things that I do. I know I shouldn't complain but life is so very hard sometimes. I have money issues mounting day by day. I see a solution but that will take about 4 months. Can I last that long. What will my sacrifices need to be.
Monday night I managed to get myself invited to Carolyn's for dinner and then we made plans to do some night time fishing off of her boat with her son Wayne. Both of these things were fun although not really leading anywhere. There was a discussion with her about her past relationships and how she now feels in general about things. I am sort of reaching the conclusion that Carolyn has almost become phobic about any intimacy at all. I now feel her not wanting to kiss me is more a reflection on her life than on how she feels about me. What is so odd is how flirty she can be with people she has just met. I an no therapist but I can gather from what she has told me there there has been some abuse in her life, both physical and mental. I am doubting that I could ever be the one who is strong enough to get her past that.
So with that let me get to what is bothering me today. Last night the three of us returned from fishing, where we caught exactly zero fish, it was late, maybe a little past 11. As you might expect the marina was quiet with us being the only boat with people on it. We get into the dock and Carolyn notices there is a note that someone has left for her. It was a request for a date from some other guy who has a boat. At first Carolyn was a little upset, but I told her she should be a little flattered. And I guess maybe she was. I didn't see what she did with the note but I don't think she threw it away.
But here is my thing ... he did this while she was out with me. I can't say for sure if he saw me but geez, do I have so little game that guys can just proposition girls right in front of me when I am taking them out? How would I be able to change that? My ego is taking a big hit today. It would be one thing if Carolyn was actually getting close to me but since I don't see that coming my mind is playing out an entire process where I'm left behind and I get to see the girl I like go off with some guy that just shows up. I know it isn't really Carolyn's fault that guys are as attracted to her as I am. I don't know if I want to see where this goes.