The One Who Got Away.

I've been sitting on this for a couple of days. I've been on FB for a long time but up until recently I never pay it much attention. Every now and then I would post a picture or make a comment. Then last year I got a Droid phone and now I find myself checking things out almost obsessively. As time has gone on I've been friending people I haven't seen in years. Mostly old friends from when I grew up, but no one I ever wanted to actually see. That is until the other day.
I had a "friend" request waiting for a response. Typically I hate those because more often than not they are people I'd just a soon not have contact with. But there is was ... Winnie requesting to be friends. Win was my next door neighbor from when I was 12 until I was 24. When we met she was the kid next door but some how I got infatuated with her. We never did anything except hang out but I always wished we could date. We used to go to movies and the beach together but could never be romantic. Eventually she had a boyfriend and I had a girlfriend and that was that. But she was always the one who got away. When I was 24 she met her soon to be husband and she was gone from my life.
I always find myself thinking about what her life must be like now. She moved away and she has her life with a son and a husband. Through the Internet I am able to reach out to her but I rarely do because I'm pretty sure her husband looks at me like I'm the enemy, which basically, I am. Every so often a get a junk email from an address that I think she shares with her husband. I responded a few times. For the most part it's silence. Once about 6 years ago I got a direct email from her and we went back and forth chatting for a few hours. Her father had died recently and she was coming to NY with her family to for a memorial and visit other family and she made the mistake of telling me where. So I went. I managed to talk Lisa into going with me so I wouldn't feel like a stalker. There are pictures on an old blog post here somewhere.
That was the last time I'd seen or heard from her. I got the feeling I may have caused her an embarrassing moment. But I did get to see lots of her family again who I hadn't seen since we were all kids.
Now she was on FB and asking to friend me. So I did. Then sent her a short note saying hello and asking how she was. No response which I expected. From her wall I could see she isn't spending much time in there. There were a few new pictures so it was nice to see what she looks like now. If she has changed at all since high school I don't see it. I know I should put up a picture but I'm not.
I often wonder if she ever looks back at her high school days and remembers me. When she got married I went to the wedding I was surprised that she had no one else there from our high school. Which made me her oldest friend. She was always my oldest friend. I'd love it if she could check in on FB with me every now and then. I'm only mildly interested. Now if my first girlfriend sent me a "friend" request... yikes, that'll have to be another post.

I can't wait for tomorrow

I've been unable to get a new entry for a while. Not as if I've no news. I've just been staying away from distractions and this has fallen into that category as of late. But today I can make a point.
Friday night I took Carolyn out to dinner. Somewhere after the first glass of wine we talked about sleeping together. And it was her who brought it up. With that in mind and we finished dinner I took her home and we relaxed on her couch together. I was trying to get to second base but SHE SHUT ME DOWN. She explained how messed up and complicated her life is and all I wanted to do was get her into bed. I left there feeling very frustrated but also I made my intentions pretty clear. I guess if we did start something I would be looking for commitment. It may not have helped that her 15 year old son arrived home in the middle of all this. He didn't interrupt anything since there really wasn't much to interrupt. It was late so he just aid hello and went to bed. I knew it was time to either make a move or go home. The last thing that happened I tried to go upstairs to her bedroom but she directed me out the front door instead.
The rest of my weekend was pretty much just me doing nothing. I have lots of work to do to get the boat ready so I set about that. I'm a little disappointed that Lisa my not become my neighbor after all. It seems there is a complication with her mortgage and she may just walk away from the whole process. It is a situation that has nothing to do with her ... seems the co-op has what may be invalid insurance. It can probably be fixed but it may not happen in time for Lisa to secure the mortgage. It will be worked out one way or another by the end of the week I think.
The week is off to a great start. Rainy Monday. I can't wait for tomorrow.

I can't wait!

Trying this again for the second day. I really wanted to post since I've gotten a comment from Cindy. When I get feedback it always inspires me. But I am swamped at work and at home I have been avoiding the computer. And there is stuff to write about.
Late last week I made plans to get together with Carolyn for dinner or something, but I was unable to get in touch with her. I feel that may be my fault since I didn't try too hard to make it happen. I didn't reach out to confirm with her until the very last minute so of course she made herself unavailable by not answering or responding. This went on until Sunday when I sent an email asking if she even still had a working phone. She called and said she had been busy with kids. I'm fine with that and we have rescheduled tentatively, but I get the feeling I'll have to make it either happen or not. And I'm feeling so indifferent.
The reason is I once again feel the Lisa attraction. I know I shouldn't have hopes but I feel like she is about to gain her freedom from the bf and we are spending more and more time doing the things that I know we both enjoy. But I feel like I still need to maintain a safe distance. So I keep letting her come to me which she does. Sunday night I was prepping some left-overs for dinner when the phone rang and it was Lisa. she wanted to go to get dinner and would I like to come. So I threw the food I had in the trash and out the door I went. We met at a Sushi restaurant. We finished eating and we kept on talking long after the food had been cleared and the check paid. I kept expecting her to say it was time. It ended up me saying it. It was one of those odd moments where I felt like I never wanted the moment to end. She is so good at confusing me.
It would be so easy for me to just dive into crazy and do a full on seduction but when I've tried that before it's been disastrous. So I am trying to convince myself it's nothing and I need to make other plans. Bet I really don't have any. At least not now.
One of the things I have been finding myself do at work when ever someone asks me a question about a work project and I have yet to start it I will reply "I can't wait to get started". What this really means is "I have so many things on my plate I can't even see a day when this will ever get done". But if I say that I'll have managers and directors all up in my face about what I need to do. So that is my little joke to myself. I can't wait until my next blog.

Sugar and spice

Out of nowhere I heard from Carolyn earlier this week. So, of course we made plans to have dinner this weekend. She reached out to me via email and she wants to get together so I said yes. Maybe this is my chance to take some advice from VJ and make a stand. Thing is I'd about lost interest in Carolyn and I am actually thankful we kept some distance. Right now she is all about her troubles that have nothing to do with me. She has been screwed by her ex-husband, her family, and her job. And on top of that before we started spending time together her bf, Andy died from cancer. That was more than a year ago. She is so wounded.
Carolyn is also very attractive and she used to be fun. She would flirt with me and make me think I was a man who had something. But then as I got to know her better she has shut me down. I'm not sure if she looked at me different or I was just getting into a comfort zone that meant we didn't have that spark any more. Regardless the dynamic between us was changed. And not for the better. Although I was filling a need for her I started to feel like my needs were never being addressed. So I've been letting her go.
I would like to put these thoughts out there with her but I'm not sure I'm prepared for what commitment might be needed. She may have to move out of her house and I'm not sure I can make room in my life for that. I'm not sure I can put someones whole life under my roof.
And all these things are spinning around in my head. I know I shouldn't over think this but all I have is my thoughts. What is funny is it was almost exactly a year ago since I had my little thing with Doreen. She liked me enough to want to go to AC with me but I needed to go slower. Then she went with her ex-bf and I just blew her off after that. She just needed to have someone take care of her. She wanted a sugar daddy and I am never looking to be that.  

Mid-week and mid-life crisis

I managed to file my taxes this week. I'm receiving more than $4000 if I did my forms right. That's why I bought a new home. Once I get my money I should be fine for the foreseeable future. I can even start to think about getting a new car. But probably will wait.
Lisa came by and I helped her with the tax return she needed to as well. Her return was much simpler that mine, but that will change for her next year. We were done fairly quick so we sat back with a drink and she tald me about her Easter. She is easily stressed and a huge family gathering was no exception. Her soon-to-be ex went with her and she was telling me how easy it is for her to slip into being part of a couple. For a while she had enjoyed herself, but then she got annoyed at the men who pretty much at and ignored the clean-up process. She said she couldn't even vent because her bf never really gets it.
So we then talked about her future and I found myself trying to reassure her that things will be great. She is afraid of being alone and I was trying to make her feel better about it. Later I was thinking how I hypocritical because I have been struggling and I'm only more optimistic now because I may get to spend more time with her. She will probably have other men before too long and that will bother me. And yet there I am telling her how there will be a good future for her even though deep down I hope not. I need to find words that are more honest and sincere and yet are helpful.

Easter

I'm not real happy with my Blog lately. Seems that it has been under attack buy spammers. I've been getting dozens of comments but none with keeping or even reading. It has me considering other options.
I do use facebook, but I don't feel comfortable telling the whole truth there. To many know me and might not feel good about everything I say.
Sunday was Easter and I had a family dinner at my sister's along with 3 of my 4 siblings. My sister pulled out all the stops making a ham, lamb and lasagna. There wasn't enough room on one plate for everything. We are now quite an assortment .... there was my sister Maryliz, her husband Ken, and her three who are all over 20 now. Her oldest introduced her new bf Jordon. He seems okay. Only time will tell for her.
My older brother Barry was there but was without his wife or 2 kids. He has them all away, the kids are at school and the wife is visiting her mom in Florida.
Another brother Sean was there with his 2 girls. His marriage is slowly coming to an end and his soon to be ex-wife (who he is still living with btw) was with her family. I didn't even ask where.
Then there was my nephew James and is new wife Linda. They chose to spend Easter with us rather than going to his own sister's house along with his parents, my other brother Brian.
The weather turned out nice so there was an Easter egg hunt ... which you might think we are all a little old for but I guess not. We pooled some money and there was a winning egg which I did not get.
Speaking of money, I started doing my taxes on Saturday and I can't find some of my documents. I know I had them and I thought I put them in a safe place but now I can't find them anywhere/ I tore my house apart looking too. So now I need to see if I can get copies. I need to get it done by next Monday.

It's all pretty lame right now.

I updated the look of my blog and my initial response is it's pretty lame. But to me it's all about content but I'm not sure that's much different. But it's my blog so I'll make changes when I feel the urge, otherwise this is it.
I got home from work last night and all I could do was crash on the couch. No gym, no going to the bar, no phone calls in or out. It's the hermits life for me. It was fairly warm outside as well. I considered going for a walk but didn't.
Easter is coming and I have plans for dinner at my sister's along with who ever else from my family shows up. I'm not sure what I'll bring but I need to do something. Maybe some kind of dessert.
Work has been keeping me busy and I haven't been updating as frequently as I once did. It's work and little else going on right now. I'm really just biding my time waiting for the baseball season to start and for Lisa to move to her new place right across the street from me. I also have to start getting the boat in order too. That typically starts now.

Another weekend has come and gone. I did little to nothing. I was out with Janet and Roberta on Friday and before we even had a drink in front of us but who walks in none other than Coleen. She was there with Tommy, he's a jerk. Last time I saw him he had fallen over in the bathroom of the bar. And it wasn't even 3 PM yet. Well, I'd decided I wasn't going to spend any more of my time with stupid idiots like them. And what happens, they find me when I go out to dinner. Coleen did stop by and say hello, and wanted to meet me at the gym. But I've been stood up enough to know she's not doing that.
After than I enjoyed an okay dinner and we moved on to have a drink at the bar. I was home by 10. But I still couldn't get my ass out of bed for the gym. Eventually my phone rang and that got me out of bed. Lisa needed to stop by. I can't wait until she moves. I may be more excited about her move than I was about mine. I need to not be.
No word from Carolyn for a while. I guess she is doing what she needs to do get get her life back on track. I hope. I have a feeling at the end she will be leaving town.