Sunday, March 28, 2010
I did get to spend a lot of time with Coleen. She kept calling me although nothing is different. She is always going to effect me but I can see now there can never be anything between us. She just isn't seeing me like that. But I've tried to not see her and I just feel sad all the time so I'm going to just keep keeping on. Probably means I'll never get another girl but I'm adjusting to that. The hard thing is when I see other couples. I get so envious of what seems so close but never in my grasp.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
I spent a good 2 hours at the gym tonight. I don't know whether it was stress or if the aspirin I took at 7 AM but I was going strong even after more than 4 miles on the treadmill. I need to keep at it. All the good things will generate if I just keep going. None of my workout buddies showed up.
Coleen was supposed to call but I haven't spoken to her yet. Something happened Wednesday and she said she would talk to me later. Hasn't happened. I'm becoming more and more convinced she is back with Mark. So there will be no chance of making solid plans.
Still I feel very positive right now. I'm working hard and heading in a good direction. Big day tomorrow.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
When I got home I got a call from Coleen. It's not like her to call after 9 o'clock so it was quite a surprise. She wants to start getting back into the gym again and I told her we can meet on Thursday after work. She said she will be there but we will see. I have a feeling she is back seeing Mark again. It's odd that she pays me attention when she sees him. Can't figure that out. Of course I don't actually know what is going on. Never want to ask when i know the answer will not make me happy. That's enough gloom and doom for one day.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
No girlfriends have come along and I still find myself wanting only the ones I can't have. I feel much more empowered than I did a few years ago. I do believe my owning my home will bring me a sense of completeness that may be all I really need. I will be able to put my feet onto the ground and know that it's mine and as long as the bills get paid it will be mine and mine alone.
I've been feeling very distraught about what Roberta told me about Coleen. I still find myself wanting to make plans with her but at least now I'm starting to remind myself why I can't. I can change even when change is hard. There must be lots of other things out there. I should be focusing on what I have and not what I want.
It's Tuesday and tonight is another gym night. Lisa and I are planning to try to run in a 5K fun race on Easter morning. That way we can feel good about whatever food and drink we have later in the day. It's not definite but it sounds like a good idea.
I finished getting my mortgage documents together and sent them this morning via FAX. My plan is moving a little each day until I get all my things in order. My closing is tentative for May 24 but there may be a chance to have it sooner since the seller asked for April 30. Day by day it gets closer. My next task will be to tell my landlord.
Monday, March 22, 2010
It was the warmest, sunniest day for a parade in March that I could remember. You could not have asked for a nicer day. I got there late because I needed to get some papers for my new mortgage together beforehand. More about that later.Of course Coleen was there. Notice the brace on her wrist ... I was told something about that and it's been bothering me since.
Suddenly there are secrets and things I have to guess about. And they usually are things I wish I had never known. These are not good things.
So Friday after work I saw my attorney and signed the contract for my new home. I also wrote out the biggest check I'd ever signed. After that I wanted to go celebrate so I went to Gates. As I was going in I saw Coleen in her car. I walked over and said hello. She was leaving and it was only a little past 6. So I told her about how I was celebrating and she said there were many of my friends already inside, but she had to leave. I told her I was disappointed because I considered her to my my closest friend. She said she didn't want to drink too much so we agreed to talk later ... which became the next day.
Saturday was a warm sunny day and I got up early and was meeting Lisa at the gym. We decided to run on the street instead. We did a good 3 and a half miles. The exercise is doing me some good as I feel good although very stiff and sore. Afterwards I spoke to Coleen and we agreed to meet up later in the day. I did some work getting my boat opened for spring and then met up with her late in the afternoon. She apparently had been trying to get me earlier but I'd missed it. I asked her if she'd like to have dinner with me and she said yes.
We went out for some Indian food, which is our favorite. It was a good evening. But then she let it slip that last evening she didn't go straight home but in fact had gone somewhere else to meet a friend. It wasn't Jimmy since he was at the Gate when I was there. So I'm wondering who this friend is. But I also didn't really want to know so I pretended not to care. After dinner we went back for a drink before she headed home. Or at least that's where she said she was going.
There I also met up with my other friends including Janet and Roberta. They talked me into going to another place to hear some music. Before the music started Roberta asked if I knew about the "accident" that Coleen had. Apparently before her birthday she was driving Jimmy home and hit another car. Roberta said Coleen got her car fixed and never did report the accident. I don't really know what to believe since Roberta kind of has it in for Coleen, but I was thinking that may have been why Coleen was so reluctant to go out on her birthday. Then yesterday she has a brace for her wrist ... like maybe the accident was that bad.
So today I'm wondering how I can feel good about someone who has such a dark side. I also am sad that she doesn't trust me enough to talk to me about something like that. And lastly .... she may have more of a drinking problem than I can handle. So it's probably the best thing that she doesn't have feelings for me. It's the problem I keep having though. I always want the person who is needy. I have to stop my feelings for her. I just wish it didn't make me feel so lonely.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
I'm back in NY after a week in Florida. We are in a spring heatwave. The weather here is as warm as it was there.
Yesterday was St Patrick's Day and I enjoyed a nice dinner with Janet. My corned beef and cabbage were delicious. I hadn't seen her in some time so it was good to spend time with her. Her oldest is getting married so she was very excited to talk about wedding plans. I listened but I didn't have much interest. Still it was nice to get out.
I did speak to Coleen earlier but again she seemed like making plans with me is no longer an option so I let that go.
So I'm back to work... for now.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Speaking of making the distance I have been using the words from Field of Dreams as my mantra while I run. "Build it and he will cone" and "go the distance". Years ago Lisa gave me a self-help book called Building You Own Field of Dreams. I read it but it at the place I was in at the time it was lost on me. Then I was in love with Lisa and her giving me a book that said all things were possible was ridiculous when the one who gave it to me was never going to return those feelings of affection. But I've never forgotten some of the things that were in it and right now I am feeling I can achieve anything once I've decided that is what I really want.
So with that thought in mind one of the things that the book said it is to clear away the things blocking you from your dreams. It pains me to say this but I have always known that my weight is an issue. I think when people see me, especially women, they see an me as unattractively fat. This was really evident when I told Coleen I'd been able to run 4 miles 3 times a week and the first thing she wanted to know was if I'd lost any weight.
So now I am taking a long look at things and now that I am well on my way to securing a new home my next big thing is to make a serious effort to improve my appearance. Up until now I have been focusing on my health by exercising but not considering a diet was necessary. I guess that will be my next step. "Go the distance".
I had a total me day at the beach. Just me and the dog getting sun and going swimming in the ocean. I will probably get more of that tomorrow. Then Monday I play golf. It's finally starting to feel like a vacation.
Friday, March 12, 2010
My brain keeps obsessing on my new apartment. I've already screwed up the loan against my 401K as my attempt to get a home loan will take too long so I had to re-do it today. That means I've lot 4 days but I guess that will not become an issue since I scheduled the contract to be later and won't occur until 2 weeks from today.
I keep thinking about the paint color. Tuscan gold, saffron or adobe yellow are the colors I want to paint. The kitchen I want to paint some kind of salmon color. Then I need to think about carpets ... not to mention how much it may cost and whether I have enough money.
Yesterday I received a nice surprise call from Coleen. It was a nice chat and makes me feel like we are still connected. I still don't think it's anything I can consider more than just a friendship call but at least I still can expect her to reach out to me now and then. I was so sad in February when it seemed like that had completely stopped. I did miss her more than even I expected.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Was back and forth with text messages from some friends back home. Got a call from Lisa. She is heading for Chicago in the morning and don't expect to hear much from her until next week. Not much else for today.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
I have to start thinking about how I'm going to move. Who can help? Should I just hire movers? Decisions, decisions...
Monday, March 8, 2010
So I immediately began calling everyone I knew. Guess who I called first - yeah, it was Coleen. I needed to call her about something else anyway and I was waiting until later in the day so that I could finish the negotiations and give her my news. She was happy although I couldn't gauge her thrill factor because I was too happy.
I've been calling some other people ... more or less everybody. Then set about getting an attorney. setting out arranging for the purchase. Hopefully by summer I'll be closer to everyone I know. Or I'll just enjoy living in a place I can call my own.
My only disappointment is I won't get to tell my dad. It was at his urging that I've even gotten this far. I owe him a huge debt. I have a small bit of sadness mixed with my joy.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Details, I'm sure there should be details. Well ... it started on Saturday with a simple text message to my cell phone. She sent me a text while I was out shopping with my sister and I'd left my cell in my car. So I didn't even get the message for hours. That may have been a good thing because I wasn't responding which maybe gave her pause. I'll never know because I gave her a message when I saw it. There were more messages back and forth... and the last thing I said was I'd see her later. That never happened.
I had gotten up early on Sunday since I didn't really even go out Saturday night so it was a big surprise when my cell buzzed with a text message while I was still making breakfast. Coleen was asking how I was. So we finally had a phone conversation and I talked her into going for a ride with me so we could both run some errands. I picked her up at 10 and we were in 4 stores and visited my brother before we even had lunch. I even had Lisa come meet us at a Chili's.
We finished our day by going to Gates which was mostly fun. I did however have a difficult time while I watch how Coleen interacted with Jimmy. I guess there isn't really anything going on between them but that's not because she isn't trying. She never misses a chance to touch him in some not so subtle ways. Things that I wish I could feel. But it's never going to be me. No matter if I ignore her or give her all my warm friendship. Which is all I know how to do.
Friday, March 5, 2010
On Wednesday after work I went to get my monthly allergy shot. Since it was more than a year since I'd had my vitals checked by my doctor she decided to put me through a short check up. Everything was fine ... blood pressure good, breathing good and all else show things are fine. The only thing was she thinks I should get my cholesterol checked. She recommended a doctor in Glen Cove ... ironically enough one of the docs that Coleen works for. I'm holding off making that appointment since I just don't want to talk with her right now. I keep feeling like I need to get away from the whole situation. Because no matter what else happens I know that I'll never get her to love me. I must know that now.
Meanwhile I'm hoping to get to see some more new co-op apartments this weekend and finally find the one that will be my new home. I feel more than ever I need to make this happen. I want that change in the hopes that the other things I can't seem to change will become possible once I do this thing. I am probably looking for more than is really possible but I want to start living my life the way I should.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Coleen's birthday was Monday and we had a conversation. She had no plans but still said no to my invite for dinner. Seems that her crush on Jimmy is not as serious as I first thought. I think Jimmy is not as into her as she is. I get a sense she would rather go hang out where he is than plan anything with me. I know that feeling since I've been doing the same thing with her for 2 years. You would think being aware of this I could change it and I am trying.
While I was away she did call me several times. My only friend that reached out to me. She also received a birthday present I had sent by mail during the time I was in Florida. I got the feeling she was more embarrassed than thrilled.
Part of me wants to make an full on in-her-face attempt at dating Coleen ... something I've never felt comfortable doing. But I feel those efforts would not result in anything but my losing a friend and me getting a humiliating brush off. I guess I'll know a change of attitude from her when I see it. Meantime I will just continue to be who I am even when it frustrates me so.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
So my current thoughts continue to be about the passing of my dad. While I was with him the last few days before he died I got to hold his hand and talk to him. He was struggling to communicate but I knew he could hear me. There was much emotion as I tried to tell him that I loved him and I was going to be okay. He would occasionally squeeze my hand. On the last day he was able to talk I was in the lounge area when he called out my name. I went running to his side and told him I was there and everything was okay. He seemed comforted by my presence which just made me cry. I wanted him to go home but I knew that was impossible. He needed too much care.
On the second morning after he died I had a dream. Let me start out by saying I do not believe in an afterlife. My philosophy is a life lived well is it's own reward. When you die your legacy is the people you loved and loved you while you are here. So for me to have a dream about my dad has really given me pause for what my beliefs are.
I don't usually remember my dreams so right away this is unusual. The beginning of the dream is simply just a feeling of being close to my dad. As if he is just there close to me. There there is a phone ringing and I go to answer it. From the caller ID I can see the name is William Barry which is my dad's first name and middle name reversed but also my nephew's first and middle name.
I answer the phone and I hear a woman's voice I don't recognize ask for my dad. I take the phone and go to a doorway and I see my dad in an all white room that appears to be empty ... My dad is standing next to a step ladder as if he is doing a project. When I show him the phone he waves me off as if to say he can't take the call. So I tell the woman my dad can't talk right now .... she responds by telling me "It's okay" ... she goes on to tell me he has made it to where he needs to go and he wants me to know he is okay.
I then awake from the dream and I realize that I may have just experienced something I would never believed if someone else had told me it. I was immediately crying and got up ... it was just a little past 6 AM and still not really light outside. I got up and dressed and when I went into the living room I saw my mom coming out of her bedroom. I wanted to give her a hug and tell her but as I reached for her she was more than a little surprised and kind of pulled away ... so I decided I wouldn't say anything. I still haven't. I don't know why she awoke at the same time as I did though. It could have been coincidence.
I can't figure out if it was real or not. I want it to be but it goes counter to all my prior experiences. In the last 4 years I've lost my best friend and my ex-wife and nothing like that occurred. But this is my dad so maybe there is a greater connection. I want to believe my dad really did reach out to give me a message. I hope he did. I hope he completed his journey and is now somewhere watching over all of us.
Monday, March 1, 2010
While I was away pretty much the only one who reached out to me was Coleen. I was more than a little surprised that she said some very comforting things. She even floated the idea that if I needed someone to come down she was more than ready to do that. I was stunned but of course that would be ridiculous. She would have been the last thing I would have been able to deal with.
So we had several phone calls while I was away. Some were good and some felt as if she didn't really have time to say anything. Once again I feel myself getting hopes for something that probably isn't possible. Today is Coleen's birthday (March 1) and while I was away I sent her a present. When I spoke to her I sensed she was more embarrassed than happy which is an emotion that someone would have if they can't return the feelings I have. I spoke to her yesterday and she seemed sad about her birthday. I asked her if she had plans and she said no. When I said we could have dinner she said she wanted to stay close to home and not be out. My little voice says she is hoping for someone "not-me" to take her out for her birthday. I really need to start listening to my friends.