Thoughts of Dad

Spent a quiet evening at home last night. Gave me an opportunity to relax and think. And also give some TLC time to my cat Tigger who has largely been ignored for most of the last 2 weeks. He will still need to deal with another week of that as I have plans to be in Florida again next week.

So my current thoughts continue to be about the passing of my dad. While I was with him the last few days before he died I got to hold his hand and talk to him. He was struggling to communicate but I knew he could hear me. There was much emotion as I tried to tell him that I loved him and I was going to be okay. He would occasionally squeeze my hand. On the last day he was able to talk I was in the lounge area when he called out my name. I went running to his side and told him I was there and everything was okay. He seemed comforted by my presence which just made me cry. I wanted him to go home but I knew that was impossible. He needed too much care.

On the second morning after he died I had a dream. Let me start out by saying I do not believe in an afterlife. My philosophy is a life lived well is it's own reward. When you die your legacy is the people you loved and loved you while you are here. So for me to have a dream about my dad has really given me pause for what my beliefs are.

I don't usually remember my dreams so right away this is unusual. The beginning of the dream is simply just a feeling of being close to my dad. As if he is just there close to me. There there is a phone ringing and I go to answer it. From the caller ID I can see the name is William Barry which is my dad's first name and middle name reversed but also my nephew's first and middle name.

I answer the phone and I hear a woman's voice I don't recognize ask for my dad. I take the phone and go to a doorway and I see my dad in an all white room that appears to be empty ... My dad is standing next to a step ladder as if he is doing a project. When I show him the phone he waves me off as if to say he can't take the call. So I tell the woman my dad can't talk right now .... she responds by telling me "It's okay" ... she goes on to tell me he has made it to where he needs to go and he wants me to know he is okay.

I then awake from the dream and I realize that I may have just experienced something I would never believed if someone else had told me it. I was immediately crying and got up ... it was just a little past 6 AM and still not really light outside. I got up and dressed and when I went into the living room I saw my mom coming out of her bedroom. I wanted to give her a hug and tell her but as I reached for her she was more than a little surprised and kind of pulled away ... so I decided I wouldn't say anything. I still haven't. I don't know why she awoke at the same time as I did though. It could have been coincidence.

I can't figure out if it was real or not. I want it to be but it goes counter to all my prior experiences. In the last 4 years I've lost my best friend and my ex-wife and nothing like that occurred. But this is my dad so maybe there is a greater connection. I want to believe my dad really did reach out to give me a message. I hope he did. I hope he completed his journey and is now somewhere watching over all of us.