Wednesday, February 15, 2006


I had a very quiet Valentines. Sent no flowers and received no cards. I touch no one and no one touches me.... I am a rock - I am an island.... (Paul Simon song).

So I am a little sad but I also realize I am better off than I would be if I was with the wrong person. I did get a phone call from Lisa as she was arriving back at her house. She told me she got something and said she would call back but never did. Don't know who gave her a gift. Wanted to know at first but now trying to just put it out of my head and move on.

I did really have an urge to reach out to Janet but when I sent her an email all she had to say was she had a busy day. So my sense of no romance between us is still all I feel. So I left her alone and that made me feel even more alone. No one that I could even call. So now it's Wednesday night and I should be over it. You would think.  

Snow and Lisa's birthday

The huge snow prevented Lisa from celebrating her birthday on Sunday. Her birthday was actually Monday but since her only day off was Sunday a dinner at her sister's house was scheduled and I was invited. But with more than 20 inches of snow on the ground and still more coming there was no chance on having it. So her birthday came and went as did Valentines Day and I now haven't seen Lisa in about a month. We still have short chats on the phone while she drives home from work. Last night she called as she got home to tell me there was a ticket on her old car that is parked in the street without plates. Because she hasn't put a 4sale sign on it, the car is just going to sit. I have a feeling the sale will fall to me. I am really starting to feel a little used.

I hate to always be in second place but now I almost feel like an afterthought. Her yoga center has her tied up every single day now. She takes trips to meetings that seem to only be designed to keep her from having any social life at all. I have been doing a little research and I have read a considerable about of negative stories about Dahn yoga. I'd been looking at it as just unsatisfied former customers but a few weeks ago I saw a news story on Channel 2 that gives much more credibility to all the complaints about the organization being a cult. I would love to discuss it with Lisa but she is always at work in the center. Should I voice my concerns or should I just maintain a supportive attitude and hope that she becomes aware of where she is headed? I was tempted to talk to her sister about it but I'm a little afraid to put my nose where it isn't wanted.

I guess I'll wait.  

No Lament

I've been staying away for a while trying to decide what in my life is worth writing about. I don't think I can keep writing the same story over and over. But I went back amd re-read some of my entries from last year and I realize I have made slight progress so I am back, although for now my entries will be less frequent.

Stayed home last Friday in anticipation that Saturday will be eventful. The plan was that I would attend Janet's daughter's graduation party at a hall with about 50 of her family and some friends but mostly her kids friends. It was to start at 4 o'clock so we had talked about going to here some music afterwards. Mother Nature threw us a curve with a snow storm the really didn't hit until late in the evening. So Janet's party went off without any problems but there was no going out after.

At the party I got to meet Janet's dad, Larry who is divorced and remarried and many other family members who all seemed to know who I was. Her sis-in-law Teresa was especially interested in talking to me. I guess she mentions me in family circles ... something I also do. Everyone in my family knows we are spending time together. I suppose they are wondering if this as going anywhere but maybe that just me putting my own hopes into peoples minds. I did get a sense of welcome from Janet's family. Janet had so many people there I almost didn't expect we would talk much but she did seem to be keeping an eye out for me and we shared a table when we sat for some food. I stayed to the end and helped clean. At the end there was her ex Mark, her daughter Ally, her son Spencer, and her mom Doreen. It was past 10 and the snow had started so I headed home. No real big goodbye.

Monday, February 6, 2006

I want to quit

Advice from my haircut girl, Loni "Be agressive, girls like a guy who takes charge." And what do I do ... I am as passive as ever. I almost afraid to put this in here even though I am the only one who looks at this. But this is what played out last Friday. Gary who is much more assertive than me gives Janet a shoulder rub in the bar. She loved it. It made me crazy jealous. I just assumed he had the edge and I took the first opportunity to head for the door like the beaten man that I am. I just didn't want to be there when they started getting really close... AND THIS IS NOT THE REALLY STUPID PART! 

Fast forward to the next day ... we were all planning on a group dinner in Bayville. There would have been 5 or 6 of us so I wasn't really caring if I went or not. Turned out Gary didn't want to go.... an odd turn of events. Not only that but nobody else could go except me and Janet. Yes - that's right... I had Janet alone all to myself for dinner on Saturday night. You know what I did .... I picked up the check, and got a peck on the cheek when I dropped her at home. Why can't I make any moves?

Some one make a comment and tell me how big a butthead I must be.