Monday, July 11, 2011

Is this different or is it just the same pattern repeating?

What would be a perfect weekend for me? Spending the weekend out on my boat with a girl who I like. Yes ... that would be it. I feel satisfied mostly. I didn't get any thing that resembles affection so I am not totally fulfilled but I don't have that frustrating empty feeling either. It's a little like that thing on Seinfeld there you can only have "this" or "that" but if you try to have both you end up not having either. What is it about "this" that ruins "that"? Okay, that's enough philosophical crap.

My Friday and Saturday time with Carolyn was great but her last comment to me was about how we are friends and not more than that. Of course I tell her that too. There are so many reasons not to get too close because, while she really is fun and attractive there is a toxic part of her that I need to wary of. Without getting into too many details she has been in a bitter struggle with her ex over every facet of what is left of their marriage. This has been going on for 5 years. I only know what she tells me so I've just gotten one side of the story. She may be barely holding on. As much as I'd love to swoop in and save the day she doesn't really seem to want that. Besides I am in no position to make that happen anyway. Especially if she's not going to sleep with me. And right now I don't see it.

And yet I find myself planning to make something happen. Planning or scheming, I'm not sure if there is a difference. But I do feel confident I can ask her to do things with me and she will say yes. There is this little voice in my head saying she is in such a bad place it is no surprise she wants to keep some distance and I should respect that. But the is also this thing in my head that says she is never going to be into me and I need to make sure I don't get any expectations. Which is really hard not to do.

Right now I am conflicted. I am really feeling like I want to say damn the consequences. But I'm only one half of that conversation and until I see that change all I'm doing is being supportive and enjoying the ride. And so far it's been an okay ride. Thing is I would hate this to turn out like another Coleen even though it is starting to look more and more like it is.

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