I've been sitting around the house all day. Not sure what's worth doing. I keep thinking "what if?" Still coming to grips with what's happened.
At Brenda funeral I felt grief but my heart doesn't ache as much as I thought it should. I'd lost Brenda long ago. After our divorce was final as time went on I found myself not wanting to see her and hoping we both could find something new. I never wanted to be any part of her social circle. I was even prepared for the day she got remarried, I think. I expected that to occur but it never happened. Since I was only talking to her on occasion I always thought she was doing okay. I didn't sense her isolation until it was too late. It's strange right now that I am sad but I don't miss her. It's just that the world is a strange place that she isn't here anymore.
I called Coleen afterwards and she was having her own little meltdown with Mark. I made the mistake of seeing her while I was in an emotional state. I wanted to feel close to her but all she wanted was to get back at Mark. She found him at dinner with his friends and we were asked to join them. It ended up being an expensive restaurant and I paid money I didn't even have. To top it off Coleen was getting upset when Mark was paying little or no attention to her. We left before the check even came.
After dinner she was on the verge of tears the entire way home and she was driving. It was a very scary trip home. Before going back to where my car was parked she decided to stop off at his house. We get there and apparently she has no key and no one was home. She said she would be right back so I'm waiting in the car 5 minutes before I realized she had gone around to the back. I go around the house and I see her trying to jimmy the sliding glass door open. I told her she had to stop and to my surprise she actually listened. With that we drove to my car and I said goodnight.
This was last night and since then I spoke to her a little while ago on the phone. I said "let's never do that again".
So I'm in a very strange place. I cannot picture myself ever not being alone anymore. I feel as if I've had some kind of disfiguring accident. This must be rock bottom.