Saturday, December 13, 2008

No where to go but up

I've been sitting around the house all day. Not sure what's worth doing. I keep thinking "what if?" Still coming to grips with what's happened.

At Brenda funeral I felt grief but my heart doesn't ache as much as I thought it should. I'd lost Brenda long ago. After our divorce was final as time went on I found myself not wanting to see her and hoping we both could find something new. I never wanted to be any part of her social circle. I was even prepared for the day she got remarried, I think. I expected that to occur but it never happened. Since I was only talking to her on occasion I always thought she was doing okay. I didn't sense her isolation until it was too late. It's strange right now that I am sad but I don't miss her. It's just that the world is a strange place that she isn't here anymore.

I called Coleen afterwards and she was having her own little meltdown with Mark. I made the mistake of seeing her while I was in an emotional state. I wanted to feel close to her but all she wanted was to get back at Mark. She found him at dinner with his friends and we were asked to join them. It ended up being an expensive restaurant and I paid money I didn't even have. To top it off Coleen was getting upset when Mark was paying little or no attention to her. We left before the check even came.

After dinner she was on the verge of tears the entire way home and she was driving. It was a very scary trip home. Before going back to where my car was parked she decided to stop off at his house. We get there and apparently she has no key and no one was home. She said she would be right back so I'm waiting in the car 5 minutes before I realized she had gone around to the back. I go around the house and I see her trying to jimmy the sliding glass door open. I told her she had to stop and to my surprise she actually listened. With that we drove to my car and I said goodnight.

This was last night and since then I spoke to her a little while ago on the phone. I said "let's never do that again".

So I'm in a very strange place. I cannot picture myself ever not being alone anymore. I feel as if I've had some kind of disfiguring accident. This must be rock bottom.


Anonymous said...

Wow. I am so so very sorry about this. To be honest with you I started crying reading your other entry. I just want to let you know that none of that was your fault and you should not feel any guilt what so ever. When you said you could not even say I love you. I kind know in a different way how you feel. When you are with someone for so long and then you are away from that person for so long. You do lose that true love for that person. But there's always still some kind of bound there. Sometimes when people have had bad experiences together it's hard to get that love back. I don't know how you guys were together but that's how I feel. I feel so sad for you but I know you will get threw it. I'm also very sure she did love you and still dose. I hope you are doing ok.

Cindy said...

Hey Mike- I'm so sorry about your ex. It's too bad that she felt the need to take her own life, but ya know when a person does that their problems go so much deeper than what we can know. You were not responsible for her - I think you know that. She had plenty of friends and maybe family also?? that could help her HAD SHE WANTED THE HELP. That's a big question. Sometimes a person contemplating suicide will reach out - drop hints, look for help. Others will not. This was not her first attempt. I remember when you wrote about this in earlier entries. How I wish I could say the magic thing that would make you feel better. Unfortunately, as you know, it takes time and you'll go over it in your own mind a hundred times and will eventually get through it. I only hope you won't beat yourself up over what you had no control over. Please take care and let your friends help you through it.