Reality sucks

Well, here is a kick in the teeth....

last Tuesday I was on the train heading home and enjoying some wine with my friend Mariana when I got a call from Rich... a friend of my ex-wife Brenda. His words were a little more correct than they needed to be. "Brenda past away". Yes, my ex-wife dies on December 9th. She didn't pass away... she fucking overdosed on some medication she got a hold of. She'd been trying to end her life since may and she finally succeeded. So how do I deal with this. We buried her today. I was very emotional and I still am.

How do you bury someone who you've kissed hundreds of times and used to sleep next to and been a lover for longer than anyone else. My love for her was all past tense but I loved her just the same. And I watched her go into a box and get put into a hole and buried under the ground. Did I love her? not like I knew I really wanted to. Did she love me? Well, she left me nothing in the will so she didn't feel she could trust me so maybe not. And yet I in my heart I felt she loved me always. I was just never able to sincerely return that love so even in my grief I couldn't say "I love you".

So as an ex I was trying to maintain my sincerity. Because I do love her... just not not like a lifetime commitment should. But I'm dealing with a sudden loss that was self inflicted. There is so much guilt that comes with that. Thank God my friends are there to reassure me that her pain was self-inflicted and not from me. I know I'll get pat this but right now I feel a little as if my fate is sealed. Who would hear this story and not stay? I feel so doomed.