Saturday, November 15, 2008

New Day New Hopes

Last night was the wine tasting. I tried to take some pictures but there really weren't many photo opportunities. But I am uploading some.

I'm having a bad day for no reason at all. I'm just really sad. Maybe it's the weather - it's raining again on a Saturday - or maybe it's the fact that Coleen treated me like a stranger last night. After having a phone conversation with her every day this week I called her at work again yesterday morning. It went to voicemail which happens about half the time. So I left as nice a message as I could. Normally I would get some kind of call back but not yesterday. Not even after she left work. I didn't really mind. I mean, she has to work and all. But then I stopped in the bar for a drink before going to the dinner/wine tasting event. She was there having her usual glass of wine. When I came in she said she got my message but wasn't able to call. Then she pretty much ignored me until she left. Made me feel like I'd said something wrong, but it's probably more that she was focused on her evening out with Mark.
So during dinner Roberta started asking about what our situation is. So I told her about how Mark and Coleen were apart until Thursday when he finally got around to calling her. I also told her how they were out to dinner so they were once again a couple. Her response was as brutal as truthful. It's her feeling that I am allowing myself to be used by Coleen to fill the void in her life when she feels that Mark isn't giving her the attention she wants and as soon as Mark wants her she dumps me and goes to him. My response was that I know that it really isn't that bad that she likes Mark. I said what would really bother me is if she finally did end it with Mark and then started seeing someone else new and not me. She reminded me that she has a history of just that.
So I am thinking all about that. I can't come up with an answer. I know I am careening down this path to my own destruction. Part of me wants to wallow in my own miserable thoughts but I've too many friends who care about me enough to not allow me to. So I'll keep breathing and keep living and hope that tomorrow will be a better day.

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