Monday, November 15, 2010

Motivation is an unknown part of the equation

I had my friends and family join me to celebrate my new home. It was a long time coming but I've finally hosted an event. There are some pictures of some of the people who were there. It started at 7 but I spent all day preparing things.
Coleen spent all day helping me and cooking some of her specialties. I could tell she loves to cook and was enjoying the process. It was odd having her around so much since I hadn't really expected it. I've learned not to make too much of it. She did become a big part of my day since there really wasn't anyone else who wanted to pitch in. Actually Lisa did call and ask if I needed anything but when I told her Coleen was already there she said she would see me when the party starts.
Of course, nothing happens that is all good. With things pretty much under control and still more than 2 hours before any guests were expected to arrive Coleen decided to go home and check on things there. I was waiting for a food delivery so I stayed home. Her trip home also included a stop in the bar. With the wine we had been sharing and whatever she had at the bar adding to it she was intoxicated before anyone was even there. Needless to say she was done early and left by 9. I was also pretty sure she had made plans to see other people which was confirmed the next day when she told me she was out late.
Everyone but me and the cat had gone by a little past 11 and I was not even close to being tired. So I began the process of cleaning and trying to unwind. So many people in such a small space made me extremely tense and late into the night I wasn't even close to being ready for bed.
It was a strange sensation to go from so many friends to no one there. It was tough dealing with the solitude and I did consider going at but it was midnight and I figured the last thing I should do is try to find anyone still around. I knew there was live music and I didn't have much to drink so it wasn't like I couldn't go out. But I knew what my motivation was and the memory of seeing other's connect and me alone I just figured I should sleep and enjoy the memory of a party that went well.
Sunday morning Coleen called and we spent most of the day together. It seems like we have established this pattern of spending time together only as friends and nothing will change that. In our conversations she doesn't want to talk about the future ... whether about me or anything else. All the men in her life are only ever identified as friends even the ones I believe she is sleeping with. I also get a sense she doesn't want me to know who they are.
Someone commented about how much credit she took for my party and I acknowledged that she did do a lot. But I do wish her motivation was more about me than is currently is.

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