I made it back into the gym last night. It was good to finally go back and get some of that nervous energy out of my system. While I run I get to think a lot about my life and what I need to do. It's not always good thoughts but it does drive me.
During the day yesterday I was feeling even more lost than usual. I wanted contact with someone and my email inbox was even more quiet than usual. So I struggled through the day as best I could until finally I could leave the house and go somewhere. Then I did my workout without talking to anyone as Lisa was not feeling up to it and failed to meet me. I had to fight the urge to go into the bar afterwards. But I went home and made some dinner.
While eating dinner at about 7 my cell phone rang. It was Coleen. She called from home. She wanted me to help her dad with their new DVR that they had just gotten. That was that. You know it occurs to me that she may not even feel like I have been evading her. I never said anything to her or anyone else how hurt and rejected I am. It was after all, my hopes and dreams that died when she went home with Dean. To her I'm just one friend among many and as interchangeable as a station on the radio.
So after I explained to her dad how the DVR works she got back on the phone to tell me how she has been suffering with a cold and then her cell got a text message and she needed to go. Yeah, that's fine. I'm sure those are much more important than me anyway. Her last words were she would call back later but never happened.
So I spent the rest of the night watching TV and pretending not to care. It must be working a little since I did sleep okay. 2 weeks ago that wouldn't have been the case. Still, I need to find something better than the tv to occupy my attention. Tonight I made plans to have dinner with my brother-in-law Kenny.