Monday, October 25, 2010

The bed I've made.

I has a fairly busy weekend so the computer stayed off. So once again the fact that there were no new entries from me is a good thing. Not blogging means I'm living life while when I blog more I am mostly unsatisfied and want to bitch about it. I am still glad to have this as I find myself looking at old posts and trying to figure out exactly how I've gotten here.
Friday night I enjoyed a nice dinner with some married friends, Mariana and John, that I've know for a very long time. They just told me that they are expecting twins. Mariana had a lot of trouble with some prior events and I had thought they were not going to have children. But when she told me I gave her a big hug and shook John's hand.
I needed to get up early on Saturday so it was not a late night but I still didn't make it home about midnight. In the morning I headed over to my brother Barry's house and we did some winterizing to his boat and then went to a Power Boat Club BBQ. It is an all male event that takes place every October and I've been attending off and on for almost 20 years. It was okay but I have no spouse to get away from so it's not really the big event for me that it is for others.
I did get a call from Coleen while I was there. I wasn't sure I wanted to talk to her so at first I let it go to voice mail. But then I felt guilty and called her back. Why I can't just give her the boot once and for all I just don't know. She keeps reaching out to me and there is some stupid emotion in me that wants that. When I said I was busy all day she said I should call her the next day.
Sunday morning I was up early. My goal was to do a good workout in the gym with Lisa. But Lisa didn't show up until I was just about to finish. But we did go out for coffee afterwards so it was nice to relax and talk. I talk to her about my friends and she is very good about listening and giving me her perspective.
Then I got home and made the call to Coleen like I said I would. I considered blowing her off but again there is something that won't let me. I still hadn't seen her since that night she had gone home with Dean ... or rather went to his house after a booty call and then I had to stalk her to find out. Ugh ... I need to remind myself just how toxic this is. But our conversation was short as she was out with her aunt and I felt I had done my obligation. I called like I said I would. I don't recall how I left it.
The afternoon was warm and I went down to the boat and at the last minute I decided I was going to take a short sail. I called my sister who wouldn't go, then tried Chris who also was busy. I considered calling Coleen but I just knew that would be a mistake. So I went out alone and enjoyed that as much as I could. The little voice in my head says I should do more of that.
When I returned back to the dock there was still time before dinner so I went to the bar ... probably because I knew Coleen would be there and of course she was. There were others there too. Coleen was a little upset that I didn't consider her to go out on the boat. I think she was even a little mad. She really didn't say 2 words to me and even left without even a good bye. I guess I made that bed and now I'll have to lie in it. It will still be hard to do. I will keep busy and just not dwell on it any more. Good luck with that.

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