She's thinking way too much

I went to see Lisa after she got off of work last night. Almost 11 p.m. We just relaxed and had wine. Almost started to discuss what happened last weekend and she cut me off. She just wanted to relax and so did I. Sort of. I was thinking we could do more kissing but obviously she is freaking more than a little bit. I know this is a mistake but I'll give her some space and let her be.

Problem with that is if she is thinking that much it only means she doesn't really have the strong feelings I do and probably never will. Do I really want to try to convince her of how good we could be? I don't think love works that way. Love should just "happen".

She actually is losing sleep over this. Frankly so am I. I have pretty much convinced myself she won't ever make this step and sometimes I think I should just tell her that we had a nice moment but we are friends and that is all we can ever be. Beat her to the punch so to speak. We should never have sex. If we did I wouldn't be able to see her without wanting more. I don't want to stop seeing her but I might have to if we go too far and she knows that better than I do.

When we met years ago she had a friend Dave who she spent time with in much the same way she and I do now. They tried to go from friends to a relationship but then broke it off almost right away. Now they never see each other although I'm not sure why. I can only guess but I have to think that Dave's ego took too a big hit and he can't really go back to being friends. Maybe Lisa doesn't want to repeat that mistake. She may be right about that too. I'm not sure I would be any different than Dave. I did, after all refuse to see my last girlfriend, Trish after she broke up with me. I later regretted that but still think it was the right thing to do.

Problem is that I truly love Lisa. I think I will always love her. As much as I've tried to stop loving her I just can't seem to shake this feeling that we are supposed to be more than friends. Everyone sees it I think. Her sister told me we should get married, my ex-wife already thinks we are together, my family always asks how she is, Lonnie said we will end up together, and deep down in my soul I almost see it all happening. The more time I spend with other people the more I realize how much I want Lisa. Even Janet, who can just take my breath away, con't come close to Lisa.

So these are desperate times for me now. My fate lies in Lisa's hands and after 3 days I am pretty sure she wants to leave things as they are. I think if something was going to happen last night was the time.