It's very hard to explain how I feel. I had no contact with Lisa yesterday. I don't want to read too much into that but it's very hard not to feel sad. God, maybe I am too needy. I know what I know and if she needs to really think this much I don't think I even want her. I never believed she really could love me anyway but I get my hopes up anyway. I'm already preparing myself for what I will say when she tries to explain to me how she feels. I already know. I don't want to even hear it. I am thinking I should avoid her this weekend. Let her stew a bit. I could take the boat over to Port Washington alone and hang out Saturday night with the scuba group.
Sent out some emails yesterday trying to get other things going so I don't just leave myself alone and depressed. I took the boat out for a sail last night and invited Janet, who didn't respond. I left a voice message on Tracy's cell phone. Nothing back from her either. I also sent Carolyn an email hello but the answer came late last night. It would be so ironic if I ended up involved with a married woman. Never, ever wanted to go there but my ego has suffered so much I feel that I could take affection pretty much from anywhere.
So the weekend is coming up and I don't have a clue what to expect. In my head I play out a scenario that has my boat in Port Wash and Lisa comes to Joe's party and joins me overnight. Fantasy world is so much better that my reality. I still think that will be what I prepare for unless something else falls my way. You want to bet something else will?
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