TORN

I was off from work on Monday so I could attend the funeral for my sister's father-in-law. All my siblings were there so while it was a somber day it wasn't sad. We always enjoy getting together. I had hopes of getting the process completed and getting a few other things done that should have been done over the weekend. So I ran errands all afternoon. I still need to do laundry but that needs to wait.
Friday night I had no real plan so I started to make sauce from a jar for spaghetti when my phone rang. Lisa was passing by and wanted to drop by. I was fine with that. I shut off the stove and put everything away. I made us a snake and we processed to enjoy a cocktail while watching the Mets. It was deja vu from more than 5 years ago. We chatted until about 10. We also met for coffee in the morning after the gym.
I continue to enjoy what I have and make no attempt at changing things. Lisa will soon be my neighbor and we will see each other more than we have. But I need to keep other options open. Years ago when i tried to make things romantic with her she said I should hold on to those feelings and I've spent a considerable amount of energy trying not to expect anything. Because of this I rarely initiate anything we do together. But Sunday I changed that a little.
I was planning to get the boat out and it was a nice warm day. I had already gotten my friend Chris to go so it wouldn't be just us. So away we went and had one of my nicer boat days. Considering that it's not even the middle of May it is one of my earliest starts. I wonder if that means I can finally have the boating season I've always wanted?
Which brings me to last year. I got to spend a lot of time with Carolyn last year and that was great. But we seem to have a distance between us now that I'm pretty sure I'm more responsible for than she is. Thing is it feels to me she liked the status quo and I am starting to feel like I want something more. I wanted to make things romantic and she pushed me away. And I was pretty straight forward about it. She hasn't called me except when she needs something. But perhaps I'm doing that. I have spent time with Lisa and have told Carolyn about what I do so maybe she figured I'm not as available as I might be.
I'm not thinking I've blown anything but there is for sure a communication blockage right now. I still like to see Carolyn but it feels like she is not wanting me around. Maybe I should call her tonight. Stay tuned.