Thursday, May 17, 2012

The Man In the Mirror

Tons of work to do. But I need to post today. Lots going on and yet nothing going on. Because it is mostly in my head. As time goes by I feel less and less like calling Carolyn. Right now she is so absorbed in her troubles she can't really focus on anything else. I have too much I want to do other than feel bad for her. She made her own mess and I'd rather not get sucked into it. Besides, she has made it clear she is never looking at me as anything but someone to kill time with and nothing more.
With that I am feeling more and more like I am the lone warrior. I mean I can always find someone who wants to have dinner or enjoy a night out but as I feel every one of my 55 years I seem to care less and less whether it leads to anything or not. I am more content at home with my cat than anywhere else right now. I was once jealous of couples but now I kind of look at them as stuck. Maybe that is just me being jaded or rationalizing my current situation to where I can cope. But right now I feel like no one has it better then I do.
Lisa moving had me worried that I was going to get obsessive but I'm trying to check that at the door. It will be good that my closest friend is my neighbor. My suspicions that she is looking to spend time with her married co-worker are proving to be more on the money lately. That will play out and I won't get emotional about it no matter what.
As I grow older I see women my age doing things like that more and more. All the rules they have get thrown to the side whenever it is convenient. I have tried to remain true to myself. It's not keeping me very warm at night but I look in the mirror every morning and like what I see.

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