On my scale of 1 to 10 yesterday barely made it to 3. I was alone for my entire day. At least I did get a phone call last night from Chris so I wasn't a complete recluse. With all the I never did post about my Monday.
Monday was a holiday so there was no work. I more of less spent the entire day doing about as little as possible. I was getting periodic text messages from Coleen, who was at work and apparently more bored than usual. She had been all upset on Sunday about her home situation and was feeling guilty about being so emotional around so many people in the bar. What she failed to mention was she had spent the night at Tommy's and was still not speaking to her dad.
This all started because she hadn't reset the shower sprayer in their one and only bathroom. After getting on her case for a week her dad got out the epoxy and now the shower only works the way he likes it. She tells this story and she is obviously all upset, but all I could do is laugh. All she could say is how she can't even wash her hair anymore.
On Monday I saw her at the bar and I just causally asked how she had handled the shower that morning. She responded by saying she had spent the night at Tommy's and showered there. "Oh", was all I could think to say. So she has a key since I knew Tommy works nights and gets home late. My guess is she will gradually start moving in. And only a week ago she was saying how she doesn't even really like him anymore.
So what happens to me Monday night... I wake up at 3 a.m. and can't get back to sleep. I don't even know if the reason is her or the fact that it's a year ago my dad died or even the fact that I am no longer even speaking to Janet. Or is Janet not speaking to me? This wasn't just a toss and turn restless night either. It felt like a full blown panic attack where I feel my heart beating out of my chest and there isn't enough air in the room. I've had these before although not in a long while. I try to tell my self to relax and for the most part it works but I was still not getting any REM sleep.
I was fortunate enough to be working from the kitchen table yesterday so even though I was tired I got my work done. There was no going anywhere after work though. I didn't get any friend contact ... no emails from anyone, no text messages ... specifically none from Coleen and no phone calls until Chris rang me up at about 8 o'clock to tell me he'd dealt with his money situation from his daughter's mother. They were never married although he wishes they were. He said he is gaining perspective as he tries to distance himself from the woman. It seems she got herself a boy friend and as it gets more serious Chris get more upset and I've been trying to make him feel better about it. He also listens to me when I rant about my inability to make anything work with the women in my life. He told me he had been up to the bar and was talking to Dean of all people. That would be the same guy the Coleen was shacking up with a few times in the fall. Chris told me he had some good advice on how to handle being a single dad. I wasn't that interested in hearing about that.
How do I feel today? Not really in a good place. I managed to alienate myself from just about every woman I know. I try to rationalize this to myself as something that needs to happen since none of them consider me to be sex-worthy. I love having friends but I'm beginning to think the women friends are preventing me from finding someone who might be more than a friend. I need that to change. I have so many things working in my life right now but the one thing I don't have is any affection. I'm frustrated.