Monday, November 21, 2011

What am I doing?

I am struggling with communication issues right now. I stayed in on Friday, sort of. If you read my last post I indicated that I had asked Carolyn what she had planned. Her answer as always was vague and I had no idea whether she wanted to include me or not. So when I hadn't heard from her by 6:30 I went ahead and heated up some leftovers I had saved in the fridge. Well, sure enough right as I finished washing dishes she calls. I told her I ate already and her reaction was that I was a creature of habit. Well, yeah, I get home from work and I'm hungry I'm going to eat. I told her I'd like to go hear some music not far from where she lived. She AGAIN would not give me a straight answer. I got the feeling she just wanted to stay in. I go all the way over there and call her up and she says she is cleaning the house and won't be going out. I suggested I could come there but she shut me down there too. I didn't want to just sit alone in a bar so from there I turned it back around and was home.
It wasn't such a bad thing since I was able to get myself up early and get into the gym for a workout. After that I called her up... or did she call me? I forget. I went to her house and we spent most of the afternoon raking a ton of leaves in her yard. I also climbed on the roof and cleaned out the gutters. They were a mess. After finishing the yard we relaxed with a glass of wine. Then Carolyn told me she had evening plans with some friends (no male friends) so I figured I would call it a day by five. I was beat anyway.
On the way home I stopped at the bar and had a couple more glasses of wine. Nothing big, but I did get to see Coleen there with her boyfriend. She gave me a big hello but I wasn't in the mood to go chitchat with her while she is on a date. It did seem like she was staring my way a lot. She probably really wasn't but I'll just have my little fantasy and leave it at that.
Saturday I had planned to move my boat from it's summer spot to it's winter slip in the marina but I convinced myself it was too windy. I told Carolyn that if we can get all the leaves done I would expect her to come and help me with the boat on Sunday. We didn't even come close. I figured if she was going to finish the yard work on Sunday I shouldn't even consider asking her for help. My bro-in-law Kenny helped me instead. That got done and by one o'clock we were watching the football game.
Fast forward to 10 PM. I'm home on the couch and my phone rings and it's Carolyn. She was passing by on the way home and though she could stop in. Sure I'll open a bottle of wine. Her first question was why didn't I call her for help with the boat. Again I feel like I mis-communicated somewhere. I can't quite figure out from one day to the next whether I should consider making her part of what I do. I keep holding back because when we are together I get nothing from her that says she really wants to change our dynamic. But then I'm sitting with her on my couch on a Sunday night. Didn't see that coming at all.
But I still sent her home last night without anything changing. And now I think it's me that is hesitating.

1 comment:

lightning36 said...

Okay Mike -- so I saw you post a comment on Josie's blog and I dec ided to check out your blog. Some random thoughts after reading several posts:

1) You need to break out of the repetitive patterns that hold you back. For example, you invest a lot in Carolyn without getting much in return. You seem like a nice guy. You need to have more faith in yourself. If it is not there with her it is not there. Move on. There are other women out there waiting for you!

2) Being short on money is a place many of us have been. Many women can relate. You make the best with what you have. Believe it or not, that will be fine with many people.

3) If you are short on money stay out of bars. Biggest waste of money known to man.

4) Having self respect means that you don't take much crap from people. I get the impression that you let women walk all over you. If so, they'll never respect you and you'll never get anywhere with them.

I do not say these things to demean or criticize, but say them because I see a guy who should be able to completely turn things around and enjoy life a lot more than he seems to be right now. The time is now!