Thursday, November 17, 2011

Dinner together but breakfast alone

I cooked dinner for Carolyn last night. I tried really hard to make everything just right and for the most part it was an enjoyable evening. not very romantic though. I think if I want to it will have to come from somewhere else. I don't want to spin this wrong, but Carolyn just has too much darkness in her life to be open to anything. There is so much tension there it feels like I'll never break through. Maybe there is a little bit of me that doesn't really want to as well.
Carolyn arrives and I've got dinner in the oven and salad made so we can just sit on the couch for 30 minutes and relax. But as soon as she sits down she starts talking about lawyers, and hearings and how she is getting screwed by the judge. So right away I'm talking her off the ledge so she doesn't jump. I mean that metaphorically. For the most part I succeeded as by the time dinner was ready the conversation had become less tense and I could feel a little more relaxed.
During dinner we talked about how she misses having family dinners. Her daughter has been away at school and her son pretty much just eats and runs and lately he has been eating before Carolyn gets home. So we talked about making dinner more of a regular event, which she was more than a little evasive about and before I could get more into that her cell phone rings.
Her 14 year-old has a therapist/psychologist/shrink. It was her on the phone. I figured she needed a little privacy so I cleared the table and did the dishes while she went into the living room. That took about 5 or 10 minutes. When I joined her on the couch she was still talking and also crying. It must have been a stressful conversation. I know they were talking about Carolyn's ex-husband and how her son refuses to talk to the dad. I don't really want to get involved but the level of tension was through the roof. As she was getting upset on the phone I made a move just to hold her hand. I figured she might be reassured by that. Nope. Just kind of pulled away.
At some point she did end her conversation with the shrink and we talked about that for a long time. Not really the most romantic conversation. Things lighted up a little but so much darkness and tension to be honest it was a relief when at 9:30 she said she needed to get home. After she left it took a glass and a half of wine before my mood became more normal.
I don't know what it is about me. Some men would push all the bad stuff aside but I just can't.

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