Monday, September 13, 2010

Looking back when I should look forward.

Lots to say. I decided to end my ban on alcohol. I had wine with Coleen at dinner last Thursday. We will wait and see how I can handle things going forward. I may just give it up again if I sense myself slipping. For now I'm watching myself.

It's been an eventful week. Coleen was home on vacation even though she didn't go anywhere. There were days where she sent me text messages constantly. I was in the office so it was nice to hear from someone outside and if it's her I am even more thrilled. I found myself looking forward to the next one but I was also getting a little annoyed. It was starting to feel like all our conversations were texts. Then we went to dinner Thursday. It was so great to sit across the table and just look at her while she talked. I had decided if she was buying me dinner for my birthday I would share some wine with her.

I don't know what it was but I felt more nervous than usual. I knew she was still off from work so made an attempt to see if she was willing to see me the next day if I didn't go to work. I have plenty of time available but she didn't commit to anything so I just shut it down and went to work anyway.

On Friday I didn't see Coleen or talk to her. I think we swapped one or two messages. What ever good feeling I had from the night before was gone. I decided to make plans with Janet. I'm struggling on how I feel about Janet lately. Last weekend I really felt that I missed her but then Roberta had to go and tell me about Janet's secret sex. I can't understand why that disturbs me so much. I tried asking Lisa about it but she kind of shut down so I am left feeling dissed and rejected even though it's not even like that.

Friday night's dinner was okay. Janet didn't really ask about why I failed to call her when she came back ... actually she did but I answered vaguely. Roberta joined us late after she had eaten. We talked about going somewhere else but by the time dinner was finished I felt so tired I just went home. I'm feeling a little sick of the women in my life right now.

They all seem to have these secret boyfriends that never take them out in public. Lisa, Coleen, Janet, Roberta ... all of them. At least Lisa has Carmine now so I guess she shouldn't be on that list. But she was all about that for years... and she was the one who actually told me a little about those kind of things. I'm not really 100 percent sure she still isn't involved that way.

So I keep breathing and I keep looking forward to the sun coming up every day. I feel sad about how things have gone but I know there is a future out there somewhere.

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