Tuesday, September 14, 2010

More thoughts

Spent last evening alone with my thoughts. I feel my optimism being drained out of my body. I want to hide myself away from all the women in my life. Maybe I'll go to Florida in 2 weeks and come back and something will change. For sure it's not me that will ever change.

Something Coleen said on Sunday has me really bugged. We were sitting away from the crowd when she was looking at a text that someone had just sent to her phone. I don't know who it was from but it had to be from one of her "prospects". Out of nowhere she looked at me and said "I need a boyfriend and you need a girlfriend". She didn't say it in a way to lead anywhere because she then asked me about the girl I took out on the boat. That was Angela. It was over a year ago. She asked what happened. I couldn't say the truth ... that Angela wasn't Coleen. I'm not sure if that was really it but it certainly was part of it. Makes me realize that I spend all my energy on things I can't have rather than things I can.

So I want to put some distance between me and her for a while. My ultimate goal is for her to change her perspective of me but also I'd like to change mine. I've never been very good at that. I know I obsess too much and that has to be unhealthy. I was hoping this would be my outlet so I can let things go but I'm only getting worse as I get older.

It's only Tuesday ... I want to stop making plans but I need to make plans. Keep looking forward but start hoping for new things. Tonight I'll meet Lisa at the gym. Maybe I can run all this anxiety out my system.

1 comment:

Cindy said...

Sounds like you need a change of scenery. Maybe a few weeks away is what you need. Coleen might have been trying to feel you out or she may have been just stating the obvious and not really thinking of the two of you together, hard to know. I do wish you could get over her as she doesn't sound like the best person, oh well. Hope your day and week goes better!