The more down I am the more I need to blog. I just don't have any other way to let these emotions out. And I am at rock bottom. These is nothing else to do except keep going. Like Tom Hanks says in Castaway ... "I just need to keep breathing because I control NOTHING".
I got one last text from Coleen yesterday just before getting to the gym.... she wanted to know if I had a date. See, I had told her I had plans when she asked me to join her and her friend for dinner and it wasn't a lie. I was meeting Lisa at the gym. I didn't reply back. It was hard but I just thought she wants to think I have a date let her. I doubt it will give her any emotional let down like I would have. I'm fairly sure she would like it if I found somebody, as long as it's not her.
So I went into the gym and did my workout. I really needed it. Lisa was there ahead of me and we had a small chat before I hit the start button on the treadmill. I briefly mentioned that I was having a bad week and she pushed for details but I just said it was not an issue with work but I didn't feel like talking about it. I really did except it's not something I wanted to do in a few minutes and she just isn't there for me that way anymore. She has her own life to deal with. These are my problems and I need to find my own way. Besides, she has been listening to this broken record longer that anyone and she must be more sick of it than I am. Even when we finished and walked to the car we didn't talk at all.
I wish I knew what the right thing to do was. Everything feels wrong. Coleen wants to see me but I feel like I shouldn't right now. And that makes me feel bad because I end up missing her. It's so stupid. I am punishing myself. I am isolating myself but my self-esteem has taken such a big hit it's going to effect all my relationships.