Monday, September 6, 2010

I'm either too smart or too stupid.

The summer is winding down it the labor day holiday has been a struggle for me in so many ways. I've been twisting in the wind as I have been unable to get a plan on anything. I am feeling a little left out or left behind by almost everyone. The only one around has been Roberta.

I like Roberta but I always feel like she is taking notes to share with other people. But still I tend to tell her more than I really want to. But it is nice to unburden myself to someone who listens. That being said I had a number of incidents and she gave me quite a bit on insight on things.

I know this is like a repeating story, but I am being pulled by Coleen again. I want to detach but I just can't seem to push those feeling aside. Earlier this week she called while I wasn't home and left a message... something she has rarely done. She didn't say anything but I felt as if she just wanted to say hello. It was the day after my birthday so I was thinking it may have had something to do with that. I didn't call back and since the next day was a work day I never heard from her until Friday night except for an occasional text message. In fact I am starting to feel our main way of communication has become text messages. This has become very tiresome.

What I really would like is real time conversation that maybe even includes making real plans. This is not happening and I have to make myself stop looking for things that are not there. Here is what is really bothering me ... Coleen wanted to take me out to dinner for my birthday but she waited until the day before to try to make a plan and by then I had already committed to seeing Janet that day. She said something to Janet that made me think she wanted to join us but I resisted that. So on my birthday she called me first thing in the morning. I said we could do something over the holiday. But she was making plans to be away herself. Still I knew I would see her on Friday night. A mutual friend Tony was 50 this week and we were all going to wish him happy birthday. So a bunch of us met in the bar - minus Janet who was away - for happy hour. I came in and Coleen wished me happy birthday but never really spoke to me much after that. I felt a little burned since she didn't have even as much as a card and it isn't like she couldn't get one since she had one for Tony. It's been bothering me all weekend. I know, I know ... shouldn't feel this way since she has never taken that kind of step.

I find myself missing Janet since she is away upstate at a family holiday event. More than I have in a while. I mentioned this to Roberta who told me about her spending time with Bunky... who we saw with his new girlfriend earlier this weekend. The Janet and Bunky thing is like her big secret. They just get together for sex on the weekends. What is odd is how many times I have seen her on weekends where I just go home. So I am carrying that around this morning too.

I am in denial to everyone about how I feel. I would really like it if someone would give me some affection before go a little crazy and do something I shouldn't.

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