Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Fear of moving

I can't seem to get my head on straight. I keep thinking about how things have taken a new direction that I should be prepared for but I'm not. Things are going good right now and I should feel happy and optimistic, but I'm not. I finally have some money to do some of the things I've been holding off for so long. I can go out with more than enough money. If I need something like some new clothes I can just get it. If my car is broken I can get it repaired. I can even think about dating. But I haven't done any of these things.

I have been thinking I can buy a place to live. I've been renting since my divorce and I feel it is time to secure the rest of my working life. Seems like a good opportune time. Mortgage rates are low, the housing market is low and I think I can swing any increase to my expenses. I've looked at 4 co-op apartments so far. The one I like is the most money. They are all closer to my friends. It would be good to have friends in the vicinity.

But I keep having this thing in my head that my main reason is to be closer to Coleen ... and I know I need a better reason than that and ... while it is true that the reasons are not solely about that, it really is what I am most thinking about as I look. I have never had this much trouble getting someone out of my head.

So for this reason I am thinking I need to stay away from Gates for a while just to get myself over it as much as I can. Does that really work or do I just make it worse. Of course it would be better if I could find something else to fixate on or at least try. But my Friday nights have been spent the same way for more than 2 years ... it's hard to see any alternatives.

I also keep seeing Coleen and Jimmy getting close and I miss the time when I would get messages from her at random times during the week. I was re-reading some of my entries from 2 years ago and I realized how my getting close to her was as much her doing as mine. But I also see how she never let me be more than just a distraction. So now I expect she is doing the same now as far as Jimmy goes. It seems like she has a history of doing that ... Before me there was Chris, Don, and someone named Gary. I knew all this and I still feel like I was different.

My getting a co-op near my friends feels like a good thing but not the life changing event I have hopes for. I need to get it into my head that I am just moving to be closer to all the things I spend my time around.

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