Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Hope and Hopelessness

It has been 2 weeks since Lisa and I spent the night together. Since then we have not even discussed it. I wish things could have gone better but before I could even formulate in my mind what I even want Lisa was off to Vermont for a work related trip. While she was there we only spoke once and averaged maybe one tect exchange per day. There was a real distance some of which came from me but most of it was from her. In my insecurity I convinced myself she was having a fling just so she could get the whole event behind her. It's been more than a week and I'm convinced that is exactly what transpired. I also made attampts to push on. I spent a lot of time with Coleen. I even told her what happened because I just don't know what normal sex is for a man my age. It is just something men do not talk about. She did tell me that the men my age she has been with all did not experiance what I did. But she did say it does happen. So last night I realized that I pretty much had drinks everyday of my vacation and I decided to see how things would work alcohol free. I must say there is a difference. So I have now convinced myself that I need to choose between drinks and sex. Getting back to Lisa, when she came home I immediately noticed she had a new name in her life. Someone by the name of Jeff who she met on her trip. She spoke to him on her phone and I could tell by their conversation that there was more than a professional relationship. We talked about it briefly and I am already looking at our night together as a mistake so I wasn't going to get all worked up if she told me any details. In the moment I was just happy to be taken off the hook. She did give me some details but I have this feeling it isn't serious. For one thing Jeff lives upstate. Also his status is some what of a mystery. I noticed over the last few days Lisa is looking at her phone less and less. And then late yesterday she sent me a cryptic email that simply stated "I've made a difficult decision today..." and nothing more. She sent this after I'd left the office so I didn't read it until this morning. Last night she was sending me text messages from after 11 PM until well past midnight. This for her is highly unusual. She goes to bed by about 10 and is typically asleep in a reasonable amount of time. I feel that the other shoe is about to drop but I have no idea what that might be.

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