Tuesday, July 17, 2012

I do not understand

Bath salts?
I had dinner at my sister's last night because my mom was there and she will be heading home to Florida today and it was my last chance to see her. While there my niece Kate was talking about how bath salts are being added to drugs being used and at Bonnaroo more than half the drugs found there were laced with the stuff. From reading about it's effects it would appear that was the ingredient that may have caused my nephew William to become so different. The description of the drug fits what happened to a tee.
None of this really helps now. But at least I feel a little more like I can understand.
I really want to have things in my life that are joyful and happy, but as I reminisce over the past I feel like all my iconic moments revolve around loss and sadness. Is this what my life is becoming? In the past few years I've seen my best friend Joe die of a heart attack, my ex-wife die from overdose of pills, my dad pass away from lung disease and now my nephew William die. Even when I do find a little excitement it comes tainted with negativity. I thought Carolyn might end up being a good thing, and mostly it is but she is under such a black cloud I don't see that ending well.
Last night after I returned home from my sister's I stopped in and saw Lisa. We relaxed with a cocktail and I told her about the bath salts. It's news to her as well. She uses bath salts to soak in, which is what it supposed to be for. As we sat and talked about life and death I found myself telling her how much she means to me and how I feel. It was not a good moment. I could see she was not responding to it. What I want I'll never have. No matter how lonely she is she is just never going to see me as an option. I know I need to not have those feelings for her and I will try to push them out of my head.
I feel like i need to chase a new dream. I have no idea where that might be.

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