So while I SLEPT with Carolyn there is still not much passion or intimacy. Friday night we enjoyed a fun time of live music and dancing. It ended really late and while in the car Carolyn suggested that I could stay over rather than drive home. In her bed. I was so tired I literally fell asleep within seconds. There was no sex.
I am starting to wonder if she just can't get close to anyone. There are so many factors that she hides behind. Yesterday I got a full dose of how much she lives in fear.
It was a nice day yesterday for NY in December. I came over to help with the Christmas lights. There were only 2 strands so it didn't take long. So we decided to grab a bottle of wine and headed to the beach to go for a walk along the sand. We know of a nice secluded spot that has a pond and a nice view. We were enjoying a peaceful quiet moment when off in the distance we saw a man walking a dog. When he was within 100 yards of us Carolyn recognized him as one of her creepiest neighbors. She was pretty much freaking out.
I figured he would say hello and keep on walking. I should have reacted better as he just latched on to us. Next thing I know we are talking to him and it's starting to get dark and I realized he is not just creepy, but really gay. It was something he said about having no boyfriend. We head back to the car and he is with us talking a blue streak the whole way. In her own quiet way Carolyn is terrified. She told me later she wouldn't have been surprised if her was carrying a gun or a knife. She was sure he followed us from her street. I tried to reassure her that wasn't possible since we drove the car and he walked and there could be no way he knew where we were going since we only decided seconds before we left. But she was convinced.
Carolyn told me this guy has a history of stalking her and her kids, but she had no idea he was gay. I picked up on it immediately. Carolyn is so fearful she assumed everyone is being paid by her ex to do her harm. She even thinks he wants to pay someone to murder her. While I do believe she is over-reacting, I also believe there is some validity to what she says.
So we walked back and once inside the car she told me how afraid she was. We were so alone and anything could have gone down. My reality is much different than hers. I didn't like that this stranger just horned himself into our moment.
These are the things that make me want to maintain some distance for Carolyn. It's very hard to tell what is real and what is paranoia. I can protect her but I'm not sure I want that long term. The idea of spending each night looking in the closet or under the bed for an assassin is not how I'd like to live. I also realize she probably won't ever feel safe.
I guess I'll keep going slow and not hope for much. One of the things I know from all my prior relationships is love usually blooms quickly and this is not happening. But still I have enjoyed her company and I still would like something more. I will need to keep my options open.