My plans tonight are to take Carolyn out to hear some live music. It's really more her plan than mine and I'm not sure but I think I kind of invited myself to it. I'm being more assertive which is a good thing. We had a phone conversation last night that felt very strained. I haven't been able to put my finger on it yet but sometimes it seems like we speaking different languages. Usually I can read someone pretty well but with Carolyn I never know what to expect. She talks like her life is the black hole that will destroy me if I get sucked in. So we just keep tap dancing around things. Never touching. Never really connecting. But we spend lots of time together.
As I write this I have come to the realization that Carolyn has these walls up like no one I've ever met. She lets me in but only so far. It is as if she needs them. The enigma is that she is always dropping hints that we can do things but never wants to commit to anything more than 48 hours away. I think she is afraid of intimacy. Almost terrified. She will flirt like crazy but won't open her heart to anything substantial.
I really feel I want to make something happen tonight one way or another. I know I've probably said this more time than I can count.