In all likelihood this will be my last post for 2011. No reminiscing for me here. I do not like to look back as I always think it's better to keep looking ahead. What I seem to have it in my mind is that I want to spend more time in 2012 with Lisa. I am not sure what that will be but it is something that I want.
Taking Lisa out to dinner last Wednesday has been in my thoughts constantly. She has a way that makes me want to be with her all the time. I thought I had pushed that out of my head when she moved in with Carmine and then got engaged. But now she is telling me how they aren't ever moving to marriage and how badly she wants out. She described in detail how cold their relationship is. I can't even imagine how that is. She said they are now sleeping in separate rooms.
But she hasn't ended it. She is still wearing his ring and as long as I see that I'd better not assume anything. I certainly won't plan anything. Even our dinner was spontaneous. I mentioned it after she started by sending me a text.
Carolyn on the other hand seems to be drawing away. Not sure if I've pushed her aside or she is just going on her own. But I called her last night and she didn't answer or return my call. Now I want to make plans without her. As I dialed the phone I was thinking how difficult it is to muster up the energy to make that call. You would think I would want to talk to her but most of the calls I've made to her I felt worse after the call than before. She can't seem to get optimistic about anything much less the plans I might suggest. So much negativity.
It got me thinking that if I call Lisa or even the rare times I call Coleen it is never like that. I would think if she really liked me she would be happier when I call. Is the black cloud around her so think that nothing can come through.
I'm probably better off on my own and I need to get more content with that. The more I think about it the more I want to spend NYE relaxing at home. If I go out I'll just be forcing myself to try and have fun. That actually works sometimes but I'm just not sure I want to this time.