Sunday, May 4, 2008

Sunday morning coming down

I haven't posted in a few days. My only explaination is there is nothing I need to say. The days just continue to be the same story. I make no progress on any front. Coleen talks to me more and more but shows no sign of looking at me with more than just friendship, which just makes me obsess more and more. It's a pattern I need to break but so far I have been unable to.

Last Thursday I got a call from Mariana, a girl I know at work since I started there 15 years ago. She got married 5 years ago so I long ago stopped trying to see her socially, but we have remained friends. She was stuck at the train station near my house and since I was home I drove her home and we ended up having dinner together. I got a very odd sensation being with her, like I wanted something to happen and of course it couldn't.

Friday night was the same old thing of gonf to the bar, seeing Coleen for an hour and going home early and alone. On Saturday I foind myself meeting Coleen at her boyfriend's house because he was working and she had some boxes she needed moved. Of course I can't say no and there I was sitting with her in her boyfriends's livingroom. As I was taking it all in I noticed a few things. I could see how she feels like she can make the house hers. Almost like she is so close she can taste it. But I can also see that there is very little of her influence there. There are pictures of Mark's family but not a single picture of Coleen anywhere.

So seeing all this I realize that I won't get what I want for a very long time. Even though I sense a deep frustration from Coleen about how she is tired of her status as the girlfriend, I also see that she will probably accept her role as long as Mark at least wants her around.

So it's Sunday and I now know I will talk to her at some point today. It strikes me as odd that I am able to get to this point. It's kind of a good feeling, but also a bad feeling. This is my fate I guess.

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