Wednesday, May 7, 2008

I need help

I'm in the office today. My ex-wife Brenda is all I can think about for the time being. Very hard to focus on work. So far the only one of my friends who I spoke to about this is Lisa. The nice thing about Lisa is I can be as honest with her as I am here. The biggest difference is Lisa will respond and tell me how full of crap I might be.

I have this tremendous urge to walk. To tell Brenda that this is as far as I can go. I want only the best things for her. I just can't let myself get sucked into her drama. We have been apart for more than 15 years. I helped her all that I could with her dad's funeral and all the other things and now I feel I'm done. How am I ever going to have anything good in my life if I let this stuff effect me so much?

Then I still feel like I need to go to the hospital and help Brenda get well. She is holding to her story that she wasn't trying to kill herself, that this was an accidental overdose. I want to believe her but I know better. She had taken all her papers and left them with Rich where she thought they would be safe. She left notes by the bed. People do not do this who think like they are waking up the next day.

So I feel like I can't tell anyone about this. I especially can't tell my family. But I also need to find someone who can help me figure out what I am in all of this. I keep thinking I should call an 800 hot line. Or maybe the marriage counsler I had thereapy with more than 10 years ago. I can't keep laying this onto Lisa.


jencham7 said...

Suicide is such a selfish thing.  I think that you have done all that you need to do.  Let the medical staff refer her for help.  Just make sure they are aware that there was a note left so that they don't buy her "accidental od" story and then say a prayer for her and walk away.
And you SHOULD be dumping on Lisa.  That's what friends are for, right?  Would you resent her talking to you if the tables were turned?
Don't feel guilty about wanting to walk.  If she is that depressed, you aren't equipped to give her the help that she needs anyway.  Just make sure this Rich person is aware of what is going on.  Apparantly she felt closest to him.  He should be there for her.
You can only control you own life and actions.  Thank goodness.... right?
Keep your chin up, and don't let guilt get to you.

mikeg516 said...

Walking away will probably need to happen but I really can't see doing that today. I do need to watch what I do though.