Thursday, May 8, 2008

What if this is as good as it gets?

How I miss the days when I used to complain that nothing worth writing about has happened. Now I don't want to add anything because I'm so scared of where it may be going. I remember when my friend Joe died and I needed to shut this thing down for almost a year. What do I do if this gets worse?

So last evening I went to the hospital to visit the ex-wife again. I arrived later than I had hoped. Her friend Rich was already there for some time so Brenda was up and talking when I got there. First bit of bad news I got was that her liver wasn't functioning at 100 percent and they would need to administer treatment for that. This would require that she would need to go back to the ICU for at least 24 hours. My fear is that this liver condition may not be temporary. She is very strong but who knows what the overdose did to her vital organs.

The other piece of news was an order from the hospital that she would be admitted for psychiatric evaluation for a minimum of 2 months because it is there opinion that this was a suicide attempt. Brenda looking me in the eye and denied that this was accurate. Something inside me needed to not let this go. I looked at the papers and looked at Brenda after she said there was no suicide note and I said let's talk about this.

She took all her papers to Rich's house and on the same day overdosed on some kind of medication. She also left a note to anyone who found her. I asked her that who does this? Has notes in case they could die? She started to defend herself and I just said that I love her and I'm her ex-husband and even I don't believe this was any kind of accident. I told her that when I was on the way to the hospital I didn't know what to expect and I was so frightened I could even imagine what might be possible. I held up the papers and told her this was going to happen. She broke down and said "if only it could have worked this would all be over". Then she said she could lose the house. I assured her that is never going to happen and she has to accept that this is a good thing and everything else means little in comparison. Things outside will be taken care of. If the hospital bills end up being too much that's what lawyers are for. No one ever loses a house because of hospital bills.

That being said I may have been talking out my ass becauseI have no idea what to expect. What I really want her to do is to stop the rationalizations and lies and start being honest, if not to me than to at least herself. Of course her friend Rich really didn't say much, it was kind of left to me to play the role of bad cop. In retrospect it was probably better that way so Brenda didn't feel ganged up on. After that we did get some of the tension out of the room and the hospital people came in and she was moved up to her new bed in the ICU. I said I would see her there after she'd settled.

I then walked outside with Rich and told him I never really wanted to have that kind of conversation with her, but I felt I needed to no left her carry on the charade and get her to understand that this is her only option. He said he couldn't have done it but it needed to be done. That made me feel better. Her also said that maybe this is the kick in the ass she needs and in the end 2 months may be a good thing. She has been wallowing in grief over her dad's death for three years and she really needs to find a better way.

I went into ICU and spoke to her for another half hour or so. I touched on her grief and and when she got upset I said we need to talk about something else because I needed to leave and there was no way I could leave this as the last thing we would talk about. I told her about my being president of the boat owners association. She laughed and rolled her eyes and said you and that boat. And we talked about how she needs to get away because she's never taken a vacation. She said she wanted to go to Israel but it cost too much. I said get better and then we can find a way. With that I said good bye. I gave her a kiss before I left. Actually I gave her 2.  I'm a little uncomfortable about that. But that's a story for another entry.

1 comment:

dontyouwant2no said...

Hi Mike! Sorry I haven't wrote you in a while. I been having some things going on not bad though. I'm sorry to hear about her being in the hospital. I haven't read anything about her b4 this is the first. I hope she gets the help she needs. I think she will be OK. Show her you really care and she will feel much better. Suicide thoughts or trying it is not good. Most of the time if they want to die they do succeed. It's sad I have had a few family members to go that way. And I wish I knew what state of mind they were in I always thought maybe I could have stooped it. And did you ever go see your mom and dad? I might have missed that in an entry... I hope everything goes OK for you.


you friend
Krissy