Monday, February 1, 2010

It's good times - NOT

I can't seem to get to sleep at night like I should. I'm tired but I just lay there ... I want to talk but no one is there except my cat. I have been more lonely that I can ever remember.

I went back to last year's entries and it seems like I was this way last year too. It seems I've changed nothing since then. I'm thinking it has to do with the cold and lack of sunlight.

Right now I am struggling with all my relationships. I don't feel close to anyone right now. All the people I've been connecting with seem to have gone AWOL.

Coleen is now interested in Jimmy. The last 3 calls I made to her cell were either not returned for 3 days or not returned at all. Not even a text. So I've decided not to reach for her anymore. Trying to let go is very hard. Funny ... she called me out of the blue to have lunch and I'd just eaten. It felt like we would do it another time but looks unlikely now. Was it my last chance?

The picture is Roberta and Judy. I have had problem with Judy for sometime now. She is such a shrew. She hangs around Roberta like a ball and chain and vexes me at every opportunity. I never liked her but now I really dislike her. And she returns the dislike too. Problem is I think she has said things to my other friends because I've been getting frozen out lately.

From Roberta I can live with that but now Janet seems to be cold and distant. And she was there when I told Judy to leave me alone. She took Judy's side. Most times I give credit to Janet as she has really good common sense and I trust her judgement. But it's happened so many times from Judy and I'm just not going to give her another pass.

Lisa has been there as much as anyone ... except she's pretty much "married" now. She only focuses on her new house and her boyfriend. We talk most days but not like we once did. We did get together for lunch on Saturday. Was my only real social activity all weekend.

I did do a lot of thinks this weekend even if I didn't see friends. I have this nervous energy. I don't want to just sit and do nothing. I got up early on Sunday morning and went to see where my friend Joe is buried. It will be 5 years since he died on Feb. 20th. Doesn't seem like it's that long ago.

I also went to see the spot where my ex-wife Brenda is buried. I'd been wanting to do that for a month or so to see if her friend Rich had put a stone on her grave. She left him everything and he was in charge of it. I half expected nothing to be there but it was there.... Brenda, Loving Aunt, Beloved Daughter, Good Friend ... blah, blah, blah. I guess since she was close to his kids he put Aunt. Certainly was never an aunt to my family. I guess since I was not included in her will I shouldn't complain. This just adds to my depressed state.

Is it really darkest before the dawn? I hope this is rock bottom ... or at least spring can't come fast enough.

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