I am not sure if I can continue this any more. I've managed to push all my female friends out of my life. I'm just disgusted with all the games they seem to play. Like they can skank around one day and tell me who I like is skanky. And none of them look at me as any more than entertainment. I feel like I'm a pair of big floppy shoes away from being the clown to them.
It's true they all like me and call me now and then. When they ask my opinion it seems like there is value in what I say.
But when it comes to having someone special they would all ... and I mean all ... rather sneak off for a quick fuck and not look back. I would probably be fine with this if any time I got the look or a phone call that said I have a level of sexuality that has appeal. So I'm done hanging out with women as a friend. I can't figure out how to do that but it seems it's already happened with Janet, Roberta and Lisa. Lisa got engaged so that has to happen. Janet and Roberta I'm just tired of. I might be lonely for a while but I do have plenty of friends ... but what I really need is to date someone. I want to put it out there.
Meanwhile I need to decide if this blog is worth doing. There is no one who loves me so it's kind of stupid going on about that day after day. As I re-read all the old postings I see Coleen's name over and over. She is still vexing me even though she gives me more attention than anyone. Last night was her birthday and she had a bunch of people to her house to celebrate. Of course she wanted me there first and I stay longer than anyone. She had Tommy there and it looks like they made up but it it hard to tell as he wasn't coming at first. Then he showed up and you could barely tell they sleep together. I wanted to leave early enough so that the last thing I would see was the two of them. But Tommy beat me to the punch and was out the door well ahead of me. Coleen asked me to stay a while and we sat and talked alone outside while she had a cigarette. We got to talking about how much I miss Janet but I'm just not ready for any conversation. She wanted details about what has me upset ... I wanted to tell Coleen it's because I spend time with her but I made it more about all my other friends that she doesn't like. Then I told her the details about how she can't really tell me about what I do when she is sneaking around with Bunky. Coleen sail "what's the big deal. Even I've slept with Bunky." What? She said it was fun ... ugh. She was actually tell me more but I stopped her. "Why do I need to know this?" I said. Why has this guy been everywhere I want to go? With that I said goodnight and went home, my head spinning.
So I went to bed and got no sleep. Zero. And I hadn't slept well the prior night either so I am in a very bad place today. Tired but can't relax. I kept thinking that I remembered something and went and looked at an old posting from September 2009 and sure enough I read where she kind of disappeared one night after a brief conversation with him and I noted it but never really gave it much thought. Now I'm wondering how many times that's happened with anyone else.
And now I'm supposed to have dinner with her tonight. I think I'm going to tell her stuff that may mean the end of another friendship with a girl. But I feel like if I don't I may never get another night of sleep.
I need to hear from someone or I'm done with blog. It may be time for a change anyway.
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4 comments:
Ouch! What a lousy night! I'm so sorry that you're still on this crazy emotional rollercoaster. I'm sitting here thinking about this and this is what I'm coming up with: Now, be forewarned, it may not be nice and if I'm overstepping then I apologize now - If Coleen is and has made a habit of sleeping around without any real attachment to these guys, then really, what is it that you WANT? What is it that appeals to you? Could you ever trust her if the two of you were in a relationship? And why do you want to go where practically every guy has been? I have two sons, 23 and 31 and I have always told them, "guilty by association" and in your case maybe you're not attracting the right kind of woman because you are associating with the wrong kind of women?? Just a thought. I think you're interesting, intelligent and it is probably great hanging out with you, but who's going to know that when you spend so much of your time in the shadows of Janet, Roberta, Lisa and Coleen?
I HOPE, really I do, that things get better!
Cindy
I know who and what Coleen is. The things you say rattle around in my head all the time. Unfortunately I can't seem to make my heart hear what my brain says. Things I said and did last night have only made things worse. I'm just not ready to write into the blog until tomorrow.
Yeah, and I totally understand. Wish I could make things right for you. Hope you have a good night :)
Hmmm, sounds like your woman troubles are like my man troubles.... Kind of. Or maybe I'm just acting like Coleen. That could be. I WANT to settle down, but the right person just isn't there right now. None of the ones I fill my time with will ever be right, no matter how many changes they would make to themselves... Ugh, none of it is any good....
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