Making plans

I had a nice evening down on the boat. I wasn't anticipating much. I brought a book to read and settled in for a nice sunset and was reading and I just put the book down for a second and closed my eyes. I must have dozed off because the next thing I remember is Carolyn saying hello. Might have been 10 minutes or maybe 30 minutes. I have no idea.
So we shared a bottle of wine until about 9 o'clock and we talked about making plans. She must have had a really good day as she seemed very comfortable. We are considering taking her boat out this weekend even though I wanted to take mine out. We will see how that goes. We are also thinking about doing a little night time boating as she says how much she misses that. I'm mostly down for that. We made it an early night. Last thing we said was about what plans we could make for Friday night. I wanted to get something firm but she wouldn't pin down anything.
Friday night there is a Mo-town band playing in the Downtown square and I am looking at that as my best option. Thing is if I do that Carolyn isn't going. So perhaps I need to just do what I want and if she misses it that would be her loss.
At about 2 PM my phone chirped with a text message. It was Coleen. Took her a few minutes to get to the point but she wanted to know if I was seeing anyone. She must have heard something. I was painfully honest. I said I have been discreetly seeing someone as a friend. She dropped it. She is still very much ensconced with Tommy so I made sure not to plan to see her. She doesn't so much miss me.
Tonight will be a busy night. I have to take a trip down to the South Shore and drop off the lobster pot at my brothers and I need to get into the allergist for a booster shot. Maybe make a stop at the grocery store. The rest of my day will be at work.

Helplessly Hoping

Yesterday was a quiet day so the only thing I could do was to add some comments. There isn't much new today either. The last 2 nights I've mostly stayed home and relaxed.
I've been getting emails from Carolyn practically every day now. It's a little strange that she and I have become closer even though we have had a friendship for a long while. I must be filling some kind of need in her and while I had once considered her to be into me now I'm feeling like she just needs me for help with some of the crap she deals with.
I'm still not sure if she just needs time or is she just using me for a while. Even if she just needs me there for friendship it is okay. I thought she could be special but now I'm wondering if I should spend too much time with someone who will one day need to break my heart. I know I'm over thinking. That's what happens when not much else is going on.
I think back to when I first met her ... and this blog goes back that far. I had just found out she had a husband but she was very flirtatious with me and I even tried to kiss her. But while she never spent time around me with her husband she was constantly with her friend Andy who she said was never considered as a boyfriend. Well, he did end up living with Carolyn and then suddenly developed cancer with led to his death in less than a year. I was pretty much just on the edge of things, saying hello and not getting too involved. It was the right way to handle things. But the attraction has always been there. Now we are close but it feels like the sexual thing is disappearing. And she looks hotter now.
If she continues to call me I'll let it go on for the summer but if it rolls into fall I won't continue to have hopes.

Strong Enough To Be The Man

After not hearing from Carolyn at all on Saturday I got a message from her on Sunday morning asking how the party was. I just said it was fun and I would send her some pictures of what she missed. The weather was still warm but there was no sun and the prediction was for some rain showers. She wasn't planning on going on the boat but I needed to do a repair on mine. Carolyn mentioned going to Freeport late in and day and would I like to join her. I wasn't going to say no.

Freeport is this very nautical place that has a bunch of outdoor bars with music and restaurants all along a long canal. It it a bit of a hike from where we live as we are North Shore and Freeport is South Shore but it's not too far. We went to an outdoor patio bar that was packed with biker types but she knew some of the band members so I got some drinks and relaxed. Carolyn wanted a frozen drink so I bought that and she wondered if it even had any alcohol in it.

We had pretty much missed the band that she wanted to see but another band was setting up and it had just started to rain so we stayed a while. Carolyn did not like the whole biker bar scene and honestly it has never been something I have ever liked but it was fun to see her getting uncomfortable. I was wondering how I could make this work for me.

She looked really great and she introduced me to the band who are all older than we are. I did get her to pose for a picture with the her friend. There were a couple of biker guys who came over and complemented (hit on) Carolyn's looks. You might think she liked the attention but she just wanted out of there. I could see that so I said we should stay a little bit. It was funny to see how freaked out she was. She could not relax so as soon as the new band started it was time to go.

We walked down the street and since we were both hungry we went to a seafood restaurant and had a nice dinner. She tried to pay for half but I took the check and told her she can buy a round of drinks. After dinner we ended up walking around and taking some pictures. We never did get that drink as we couldn't decide where to go and just headed for home. We sat and talked in her backyard for an hour. It was during this talk when I started to realize things are probably never going any farther then they already have. She is so damaged right now the best thing for both of us is to just keep things simple and uncomplicated. She has so many things to deal with adding me to the mix would end up bad. I need to just appreciate her company and not get any more into my head. I probably should not be planning too much as I may find myself back into wanting something with someone who will never see me that way.

The good thing is Carolyn has been a good distraction and she has gotten me away from all those bar people. I am moving in a different circle now and out of the "same old-same old". Best of all Carolyn has a way of making me feel like I have something ... she flirts with me just enough to keep me on edge. It may get old but for now it's enough to know that I am the man.

Lobsterfest Weekend

My Saturday was spent at a party at Janet's house. I had invited Carolyn and at first she wanted to be there but at the last minute she decided not to go. More on that in my next entry.

My entire Saturday was wrapped up in getting ready for the backyard lobsterfest. We cooked a total of 45 lobsters. I agreed to pick up the lobsters in the store near where I once lived and I also borrowed from my brother a pot and cooker which doubled our capacity. Janet came to my house late on Friday and handed me $500 to pay for the lobsters. As we sat and talked she was most worried about the heat as on Friday it topped out at 100 degrees and Saturday was predicted to be almost as hot. My thought was at least there would be no rain. But it was hot.

This is a picture of Janet and her daughter Ali.

Saturday morning was spent getting the lobsters and from there I got down to the boat for a few hours but didn't go out on it. Inside the boat it was 106 so I spent a little of the time cooling it down. I didn't do much more than that. I was home and changed and headed to Janet's for the party at around 4. It was almost an hour early but since I had the ice it was important that I be there.

The party went off without a hitch and I ate and drank and barely thought about my disappointment the Carolyn had essentially blown me off. When I last saw her on Friday night I noticed she was dealing with a cold sore on her lip and it was really bad. I'm almost sure she would have felt very self conscious about it. It was that bad. I can kind of understand if that was what her real reason was. What she said was she needed to work and wouldn't be up to a party after her day. I think maybe she isn't as into me as I once hoped. I need to not invest too much into this.

So I ended my Saturday late and was home alone by midnight. I went to bed knowing I would need to get back to Janet's and help with some of the cleanup. I did not send Carolyn anything and I didn't hear from her until I got a text message from her just as I was leaving after the cleanup.

Running on ice

Yesterday I spent at the beach with Carolyn's 14 year-old son. It was the hottest day I can remember and it was good to be on the beach. Wayne, Carolyn's son is a good kid. He was in the water a lot and so was IO. I'm more than a little sun burnt even though I was using SPF 50 sunscreen. Probably kept washing off in the water.
I am more than a little regretful that I enjoyed his company. We started talking and we were talking about things we could do. Problem is I have no idea what the future will bring. Wayne is estranged from his dad and he got close to Andy who was with Carolyn after her marriage and from what she told me Andy and Wayne got real close. I would hate it if I bond with Wayne and then be someone else who leaves. The the feeling I get from Carolyn is she isn't about to get close to anyone least of all me.
I had asked her to come with me to a party at Janet's tonight and at first she wanted to go. Last night at the end of the day we were both down at the marina and I reminded her about the party and she pretty much decided she wouldn't go or do anything with me this weekend. I son;t know why I expect things to move in a linear fashion and not not up and down so I can't predict what I need to do next. I know Carolyn has been through a lot and she probably isn't sure she wants anyone to add to all she deals with. And I'm not sure I can handle all she deals with either. She is also very attractive and has always had options that I can't even see.
As I start today I'm fine but sad and pessimistic.

Beach day

I don't have a clue about what I'm doing. I spent yesterday with Carolyn's kids on my boat. I've had them out on the boat before because I actually know Carolyn for quite a while. Maybe 6 years. But here is my thing, I still don't know if things with her will ever go anywhere but I am bonding with the kids. The little voice in my head says I should not do that as I'd hate it if I close to the kids and found myself needing to distance myself from her for whatever reason. If all we can be is friends I can't get too involved with the kids. But they are really good kids.

It is so hot outside. It's expected to get to 100 degrees today. Tigger went outside this morning and came back inside fairly quickly and then laid out on the ceramic tiles as they are the coolest part of the house. He knows how to cool down. He moved from there to a spot right in front of the a/c. All that fur must make it tough in the heat.

I'll be cooling off at the beach. In fact I need to get going right now.

She is the bomb

I shared my evening with Carolyn again last night. The weather was perfect for being outside with a glass of wine. It was a nice time. I asked her to join me on Saturday night to go to another friends backyard dinner party. She very enthusiastically said yes but then said she my need to be late in case she needs to work. She was in her office until almost 7 last Saturday so it's iffy. Still we made plans for Sunday to go boating again. In fact today I am off work and taking her kids out on the boat. Not Carolyn, just the kids. There is Monica, who is 18 and Wayne who is 14. We will see how that goes, as I should also have Chris too.
Well, things keep crawling along. Not sure if things are going to blow up on me but Carolyn was literally gushing about how much she enjoyed our day last weekend. Her loss of her boyfriend to cancer has me thinking she has shut her libido down and that's why she is hesitating going further with me. I'm just taking this where ever it goes and keeping it lite and fun. The romance thing seems like a fantasy so I'm doing what I always do. Being a friend. I just hope it doesn't blow up in my face.