Too much talk and not enough action

Now it's all about Carolyn. She joined me for some wine while we watched the day turn into night at the dock yesterday. It was almost perfect. Nice sunset and a soft breeze. Except nothing happened.
I got a vibe from her that she wants to keep it a friendship thing between us. A lot of our conversation revolved around how losses. Her marriage is weighing very heavy on her mind. Her last boyfriend, Andy dying last year is also a constant topic. It makes it very hard to get romantic if I can't steer the conversation away from those things.
At least we are making plans. We talked about getting together on Friday night to see some outside music. We even talked about going to check out some wineries out east some weekend. But when I got a little close to her she kind of moved away. She has never struck me as shy so I'm starting to feel like she just isn't feeling it. Maybe she senses my desperation or maybe she feels she just isn't able to get close to anyone right now but when we said good night all I got was a quick little peck on the cheek and she was gone.
I know I need to be more assertive as I was with Doreen but at least with her there was a certain amount of encouragement. So while Carolyn came when I invited her and she stayed a long time like she was enjoying herself I am also looking at this as more of the same. The more I like someone the less likely I can make things happen. But we will see. She has to know I'm looking for more than being friends. Is it too soon to walk away?

Just Another Day

I had a big night of doing laundry and not much else. I did make it down to the boat to check on it. I put clothes in the dryer and go knowing I need to get back to get the them out before 10 PM when the laundry room is supposed to close. I arrive at the boat and all seems normal until I open the hatch and hear a noise from inside. At first I thought just something fell and I notice the curtain rod was off the window. When i take a closer look I realize there was a bird inside my boat. And not a little bird either. Somehow a duck had gotten inside the boat. I guess she thought the screen on the hatch would make a nice nest but she just fell through and once inside she had no way out. I say "she" because she left me a gift of a duck egg. It looked like she wanted off the boat as much as I wanted her off the boat. But once on board she hid herself up forward. So I quietly opened every portal and hatch and then gently steered her out. Once free she flew right off. I was grateful she was okay, but she did leave me a bit of a mess to clean. What to do with the egg was tricky. I considered breakfast but I thought the best thing would be to just rid of it. It was never going to hatch but I wasn't about to eat it. So into the dumpster it went. The duck will just need to lay new one.
I guess you could call that the highlight of my day. The laundry got all done. The rest of the night was spent watching TV. And now the TV looks like it's broken. I pray it's just the cable box since I'm in no position to buy a new TV and for sure I don't want to deal with getting it down the stairs again. How I will have the box checked out I'm not sure.
I also got an email from Carolyn's sister Nancy. I actually knew Nancy before I met Carolyn. In fact it was Nancy who introduced me to her some 5 or 6 years back. At some point since then they have had a falling out. I won't go into those details but they haven't spoken to each other in years. Up until now I've remained friends with both of them. Nancy's email was about how I saw her sister. Not sure how she found that out but I told her yes, I saw her sister. I'm not sure if I shouldn't have just ignored it. Probably will be a problem at some point. I just hope it doesn't get complicated.

Thinking about the future

It's a strange feeling I have right now. Not a bad feeling but not a secure warm and fuzzy feeling either. Having been able to spend some time with Carolyn, an attractive available woman, I keep wondering if I am on the cusp of finally making something actually work out. I go back through all the prior entries and realize I don't have a lot of successful experiences to draw upon. I keep feeling like this is like playing a hand of poker where you not only have cards but also look at the other players and see if they will tip their hand.
The urge to go "all in" is enticing but I also know it reeks of desperation. It felt like Doreen kind of did that with me. I mean we had one night together and right away she wants to go on a weekend to Atlantic City. When I hesitated she kind of backed away and when I saw on FB she was planning to go with her ex-BF I realized she was not for me.
I know I need to take it easy. I've made it pretty obvious to Carolyn that I am there for her if she wants me. The best thing might be to let it flow and be prepared for whatever she is ready for. She has three kids, a house and a job to take care of. Calling her every night would be too much. But I do want to talk to her. Patience. I know I want to call but I keep thinking the rule is wait a day or so before calling.
There is one good thing about this. I've been staying out of the bar. Money being tight is one reason, but I've also felt like there isn't any real reason to go there. I'd much rather hang out at home. Is it mostly about sitting by the phone? Maybe, but if that was the case I've always got the cell phone. I think it's mostly money. I need to make sure I can do my stuff on the weekends and not just blow through $100 just hanging out.
No plans for 4th of July yet. Could be setting myself up but I feel like it could be a great time.

Sunday was boating and dinner

This is Carolyn. Yes, she is a real girl. I spent yesterday on her boat with her daughter and a friend of her daughters. So our time together was chaperoned. I still have not been alone with her so nothing has happened romantically. But I did follow up a day on the water by taking the three of them out for dinner. It may have been money I don't necessarily have as the mortgage comes due this week. It remains to be seen whether is was money well spent.
We talked a lot yesterday and I wanted to make plans but I get the feeling she is hesitating. Last thing I said before "good night" was that I would call her during the week. We actually discussed doing something on Friday night. I'm not sure I want to wait that long. I will keep you posted.
Part of my financial crisis comes from some unexpected boat expenses the last 2 weekends. Last week I needed to replace my power cord to the tune of $120 and then this weekend it was a new fuel pump which ran me another $135. Then I paid for dinner for 4 which I actually got off fairly cheap at $130. When I give myself only about $300 a paycheck in walking around money I blew through a months worth in 2 weekends. I am not going to dwell on that until bills don't get paid. I think I still have some money for July. But in my mind I want to take Carolyn out some more. I really don't want to get myself in a bind but I also don't want money to keep me from what may be an eventful summer. I shouldn't think too far ahead.

Look at how much changes in a week

It's Friday. The last seven days have been nothing if not eventful. When last Friday began I was trying to make a date with crazy neurotic girl, Tracy which ended up being dinner with her and her brother. I still wasn't walking away because that is how desperate I've become.
Then I got this random phone call from Carolyn. I'd mentioned to her a while back how much I'd love to go fishing on her boat. I never figured she would act on it. So even though I had to rearrange some plans I made sure it could happen. It was a good day. Since then I've been scheming of a ways to see her again. So far it's resulted in me making a call to her but she was not able to commit to any plans I suggested.
Which brings me to tonight. It's Friday and right now I have absolutely nothing going on. There is a little voice in my head telling me to send a message and see if I can get Carolyn to come out for drinks. The weather kind of sucks so I can't look to an outdoor evening. I was considering the TIKI Bar near where Carolyn lives but that may seem a little "stalker-ish". If I was more confident I would make a direct call but a better option might be a text, or email. As the day goes on I feel as if I will attempt something. This is still much better than where I was last Friday.

Thinking too much.

Last night I did a whole lot of nothing. Which always means I think too much, never a good thing. As you may know from reading this I tend to obsess a little too much. I'm working on that but for now it is what it is.
I'd almost forgotten. It was a long time ago but I do remember it did happen. You are wonder what? I did once try to kiss Carolyn. It must have been 5 years ago. I'd just met her and it was similar to what I'm feeling now. At that time she was telling me her marriage was over and seemed like she was interested in me. So when I tried to kiss her she backed away and did a 180 on me. All of a sudden she was not so single. So it was at that point where I pretty much blew her off. Since then she has actually ended her marriage and then took up with this guy Andy. I'm not sure but I think Andy gave her some kind of engagement ring. So over the last 4 or 5 years whenever I saw her I would just say hello and keep on going.
So now she is truly unattached and all of a sudden she is back. She has no husband and no boyfriend. There are probably men in her life but she has gone out of her way to give me the impression she is alone. There is a little voice in my head that says she is just wanting attention and I need to be a little wary. I keep wondering what would have happened if I had told Chris to go home. Maybe he saved me from disaster or maybe he c-blocked me. Water under the bridge.

Yes, I made the call

I got home from work then went to the gym. I had a terrible workout. Just wasn't into it. I made a trip down to check the boat. Then went home and made a quick dinner. Then finally at 9 o'clock I dialed up Carolyn and said hi. She picked up and with that we had about a 45 minute conversation. Hey, it's not like we just met. We've known each other for a long time and I've always thought there might be sparks there. But always before there were other people in the way and it just didn't seem like I was ever getting past that. But this time she did make a move toward me. I remember from the movie Hitch that a man needs to 90 percent and leave the last 10 percent up to her. I am probably only at 50 percent but that can change quick.
I wanted to make a plan but she was somewhat resistant. I do get a sense she wants her options open. And I'm fine with that as she does have some - dare I say it - baggage. Her life right now is tangled in legal issues both with her ex-husband and her family. She is estranged from her sister and brother, both of whom I know. I won't go into the reasons yet except to say it's financial and really messy. I may give more details at some point but just not part of today's story.
Our conversation a little longer than I expected, which I guess could be a good thing except we touched on some things I hadn't anticipated, such as why I don't have friends come out on the boat so much anymore. I may have said a little too much. But that's just me.
I have no idea what's coming next. As always I feel a little optimistic, but trying not to hang all my hopes and dreams onto one thing. Like I said, Carolyn is someone i know for a long time and it has been my experience that if things don't happen within a few days they never seem to happen. I've always been somewhat available and there is probably a reason why we never hooked up previously. That makes me think the next 10 days or so could be interesting. Or not.