28 Days

Still sober. I'm not saying it's been easy but at least I can say I'm giving my best shot. My mental target is still just 90 days so there is still a lot to go but I'm only stressing about today. The rest just needs to happen.

I am really enjoying my new home. It feels so much less depressing. Kenny asked how it's going and I just said I'm happier than I've ever been. I am still getting unpacked but most of the fur nature is in it's place. I should be ready to accept company within a week or two.

My cat was having a difficult time just prior to the move and I had fears that he may be getting to old for the stress of moving, but it turns out he had a small infection and he is getting a dose on antibiotics and is already back to normal. He has also made the adjustment to the new place almost easier than me. He does miss the yard though.

Tonight I am going for a power walk with Janet. Anything to get me out of the house.

Just a moment before I go

Still maintaining sobriety and after tomorrow it will be a full 28 days. Not much of an accomplishment but it is a start. My focus is to make it for 90 days. After that I'll decide if I should ever drink again or not. It is Friday and in the past that was always my favorite night to have drinks. I had been going to AA meetings on Fridays. Last week I had a wedding so I missed the meeting. It had me thinking I don't need to go. I'm afraid I may fall into the "rationalization" trap and think I'm "cured".

Meanwhile, my transition to the new place is complete. I finally slept in my new home beginning on Tuesday. It's been strange waking up somewhere different. But I really like coming home to a house that I can completely call mine. I still have many boxes to unpack and the furniture is still mostly pushed into the corner and not set up. I will make an effort to get most of it done by the end of this weekend.

It's already working out great. Last night Coleen called to invite me for dinner if I can get there in 5 minutes. I think I made it there in 3. It worked out really great since I still haven't unpacked most of my kitchen stuff. It was nice and hopefully I'll get to do more of that and maybe even have her come to my house. I couldn't stay long after we ate because there is so much to unpack.

The weekend is almost here and that has become such a different experience for me now. I will try to expand on the next week.

I quit drinking

I had an incident on May 22 that has me worried about where my life is heading and how I'd been handing things. So in May 23rd I went to a meeting and have not had a drink now for 8 days. Over Memorial Day weekend I went to 3 more meetings. I haven't had an overwhelming urge to drink but I also haven't been able to say I'll never drink again. My commitment goes as far as that I will not have a drink today nor plan to drink tomorrow. My goal is to make it to 90 days and then see how I feel.

The things that led up my change I am still rationalizing in my mind that put me in a position that had me drinking more and more. I have been in a constant state of high stress. Buying my co-op. Continuing to strike out with Coleen. Not getting my stuff done at work. Missing my dad who died in February. Getting the boat into the water.

An odd thing is I was going to that bar and I would enjoy myself so much that I would stay longer and longer. And I was going sooner because I knew I could see and spend time with Coleen. Things just keep spirralling out of control. All the while this little voice in me head kept saying I need to get a grip on things and the only common denominator is my drinking was increasing almost on a weekly basis.

I'm afraid this may be a focus of my entries at least for the rest of the summer. I hope I can maintain a positive outlook and be honest.

What up

I'm sitting here on a Sunday night enjoying life. I can find no reason to complain about anything. I got to spend my day with Coleen. And it was her who reached out to me. So I'm really not going anywhere with her but I love the fact that I can be close to her and she wants me there. I like her and what she does. have given up any expectations so I can just take things as they are.

I am not even sure she is being honest with me but I think it doesn't even occur to her to not be honest. Still I think she hies things. Random text messages that she even lets me read but doesn't tell me who wrote them. Yes, she has something else going on and it's not me but what the heck, it is fun just being her friend.

So I got to eat dinner with her and the family and then we went and had drinks. She was so beautiful and I got to hear her play her music ... country like always. It's something that makes me more close to her but that's from way back to Patty O'Neill ... okay the people I've met since then too. Lisa, Eileen, the Meeker sisters ... all were influences. Brings me here today.

I have hopes to close on my new place this week. I am so upset it's not done already but when it gets done I should get over it. Tick tock tick tock. It's happening one way or the other. Stay tuned.

Update

My ability to write has been severely hampered by life. The last month or so I haven't been turning my computer on after work very often. Sometimes I find other things to keep me busy and other times I just don't feel like it.

I am about to move in about a week. I will finally be living in a place I think I can really feel is home. I'm sure I've felt that way in most of the other places I live but my memory of that is dim.

My exercise program has been more difficult. I still run but my hip is giving me chronic pain so I've needed to slow down a lot. I can't be sure how to change that.

I had my boat put into the water today. I made it into the marina without any problems until I was tying up and noticed the bilge pump pushing water out the back. I looked down below and sure enough there was a lot of water in the bilge. I closed all the thru-hull openings and set about searching for the leak. I found it about 3 hours later. More stress.

I've managed to get close to Coleen again. Not going any where though. I look at her now as someone I'll never get. She has other ideas. I think I'm better off. She has so many problems I can't see her ever being satisfied unless someone just takes care of her. That could never be me.

My weekly blog

Hey, so now I'm a once a week blogger. Oh well... so here it is. I have a need to vent and maybe it will be more negative than I should have it but so be it.

My weekend was good. I got to see Coleen and I spent a ton of time getting my boat ready. No bad things except I drank way more than I should have. But I am here on Sunday night and nothing has come of it that I'm feeling bad about. I just wish I knew I could find love that was real. At least I do feel loved somewhat. I get a call from the people I care about now and then. And I have just a little bit of validation that makes me feel like I have relevance.

I wish I could figure out Janet. On Saturday I noticed she was checking my out which it something new. Nothing earth shattering but she was asked if she wanted another drink and she looked to see if I had a full drink before she said she would have another. Just a subtle thing I noticed. It has me wondering.

Okay and then there is Lisa. God, I really love Lisa, but she has a man she seems to be making a life with. And then we have this very odd conversation about how she isn't getting what she wants from that whole thing. I get a sense she doesn't want me to get involved so I let it go as that.

So my day was all about polishing the boat and I still have more to do. But it feels good to make that go. It will be warm soon and my boat should be my focal point of how my life will be. That and my new place. My May will be really loaded with things to do. Boat, apartment, life ... it is all happening at once. I sometimes thing I have everything lining up in my favor. Tomorrow is another day.

It's all good

It's been a week since I've last even looked at this. I was all worried last week over nothing. Just a little meltdown. No serious repercussions. My late night phone exchange ended up being something we laughed about. Since then I've been consumed with moving preparations and pushing my mortgage documents through. I am all approved and now must have a meeting with the co-op board, which I expect will just be a short hello and approval. Then I deal with the closing and all that money changing hands. And then I can actually move. My biggest concern is how this will effect my cat, Tigger. He gets to use the backyard where I am now and he likes going in and out several times a day. This is probably not possible in the new apartment. One of us will need to deal with that. We will see.

I've shut down the running in the hopes that my sore hip and leg get better. It's starting to look like it may be something I will have to get used to. I'm planning to run at the gym this weekend so we will see how that goes.

Not sure what the rest of my weekend will be. No one is making plans with me so I may be on my own. I have plenty to do.