More activity but no "action"

At the very least I do feel validated. I spent last evening with Coleen AGAIN. She was hungry and we went out to eat. I can tell she is struggling with not having dinner with Mark. She sounds determined to leave him but she is so used to having meals with him that she seems to be avoiding dinner altogether. I wonder if I could get her to eat with me? My house is much too far away for her to come too as often as Mark's.

I can see her going back and forth with how she wants things to go. Every now and then she would slip and talk about how she wants to live her life without Mark but then would talk about having people come to his house for a party. Or refer to him as "my boyfriend". She also slipped that she's been crying while doing soul searching at night.

Before the end of the night I told her my plans for the weekend would keep me busy and we couldn't get together. Her reaction surprised me a little. She was genuinely sad that I wouldn't be around. I can feel her getting attached to me but still only as a friend. Makes me consider changing my plans.

There is this thought however that she and Mark are only going through a rough patch and she would be glad to be in his company again if he would simply just reach out to her. So I do need to maintain some distance. I fear that I can't control any of my actions.

At the end of the night I put a kiss on her... no tongue. Best I can do.

I'm up and then I'm down

The rollercoster ride continues. I got a lunch time visit from Coleen yesterday. It was great to have company but at the time I was engrossed in work issues. We ate leftovers from the restaurant we had gone to the night before. Seeing her in my home gives me pause for thought. I can see us getting closer and closer but not as anything other than friends. I have to believe she knows how much I like her although I can't bring myself to say it until she is at least available.

Coleen's body language is telling me more and more that I not getting anywhere. And now I am starting to sense she is beginning to cool towards me. Maybe now that she sees how I live she knows I would have a lot of trouble taking care of her. Or maybe I'm just smothering her a little. Either way I guess I'll have to withdraw a little. I will let her make the next move.                        

Having it my way - almost

Since I hadn't heard from Coleen on Monday I had hopes of hearing from her on Tuesday. So when I got a text as I was walking of the train I felt pretty confident. I asked her to have dinner.

We met at 6:30 at our favorite Indian restaurant. First thing Coleen says to me was "Mark bit her head off again". Her exact words. It seems that Monday night she let his dog out and he ran through the sprinkler and this was somehow her fault. I siezed the opprtunity to see if she was ready to move on. She said she was but then I felt like she hasn't really made the switch. We talked a little about how life would be after Mark. I told her she would never lack for things to do. I told her she can call me any time. Hopefully she will.

I still don't really feel the love for me that I keep hoping I'll find. Just a friend who seems to care for me a great deal.

I can't really see how this can go on like this ... moving inch by inch. I imagine anyone who reads this must be frustrated or bored. That's if I still have anyone who reads my entries. I do get a sense that something will change soon. How or why is unknown to me.

During my evening with Coleen I got a text message from Tracy. She was inquiring about my weekend. I put my phone away until after Coleen had headed for home. I sent a response to Tracy that I hadn't taken a cruise on the boat and i wouldn't for at least a week. I really wanted to tell her I had been out with the one I love but I couldn't. No matter what happens with Coleen I can't ever see me having those feelings with Tracy.  

Just a typical day

I still can't get to sleep at night. No alcohol yesterday so it's not that. I guess the extra caffiene probably didn't help. So again today like yesterday I'm exhausted. It's very hard to concetrate.

I had a very quiet time at home last night. Just me and the TV. I had called and left a message on Coleen's voicemail but she either didn't get it or was too busy to call. It wasn't like I needed her to call back. It's just that I said I would call. So after spending more than half my weekend with her I had no contact yesterday.

I did have a round of email from the girls. Since Roberta was away she asked to be filled in on things ... and there were some things that I had also missed. It seems that there was a division amongst the beach goers. So now we are seperating into 2 camps. It seems that two of the women aren't speaking and now everone must choose between groups. I have so much going on I may not be going to the beach much for the rest of the summer anyway.

I put in for vacation from August 18 through Labor Day so if I don't blog it's because I've managed to get away. Still iffy for me to travel though. I really need to be able to get away from all the crazy thoughts going in me head. It remains to be seen if I can do that.  

This is a long one

No movie quotes today... I barely had a minute in front of the TV the entire weekend. Was this a good weekend or not? I'm really not sure. Sleep did not come easy last night and I probably didn't finally drop off until almost 3 a.m. The alarm at 6 was real tough. I'll be drinking coffee throughout the day.  

If you read the last entry you know about how much fun I had dancing with Coleen. Well, Saturday was more Coleen. During the day she called and I invited her to come to my house and we went out for lunch. Her visit is the first time she had been to my house and I would like to be able to say she was impressed but I hadn't had a chance to clean at all and it was pretty messy.But she seemed okay with it ... just said it looks like a man lives there.

During our lunch, which included 2 margarita's which went right to my head, we were talking about nothing in particular. Then she got a call from Mark. He was done with work and would be home in the afternoon if she wanted to stop by. That was when she started to vent about his not being her boyfriend. I tried to seize the opportunity to talk about where she wants to go with her relationship. I didn't want to be confrontational so we just glossed over how she wants to redefine what a commitment really is. She showed me her very expensive bracelet that she got as a gift some time ago and she asked if see should see that as something from someone who feels committed. My response was that it is very impressive and maybe you could but I think in her heart she really needs to hear the words. And then ... I can't believe I actually said this... but I said maybe he isn't someone who can say it. I wasn't going to be confrontational over a second margarita.

With that we finished lunch ... I picked up the check. I headed home to finish cleaning the house and Coleen, I expect went to Mark's. I figured that would be the end of my day with Coleen but at around 7:30 she sent me a text that she was at the bar so I headed there. I half expected that she was with Mark, but no Mark anywhere. What is with this guy? It is a summer night and he is home? So I was shocked to see her out alone. And she was fun. Shooting pool and playing songs on the juke box.

Then at around 9 Mark's brother-in-law Bob comes in. His wife (Mark's sister) is away and he came in to get a late dinner. Since I'd never seen him in there before I thought it was odd. I have this feeling he was there to check on Coleen. While I didn't try to eavesdrop I did overhear them talking about how much drinking Mark does. It wasn't long after that when Coleen called it a night. I really want to take her to a dark, secluded place and just lay one on her. But I just said good night.

Sunday I had made plans to go see Lisa for brunch. I would have liked to make an early start but I got to her house just a little before noon. Just as I arrived at her door I got my first text from Coleen. At first I ignored it so then I got more texts. I told her I was out with Lisa and would call her later. Lisa was to spend the afternoon with Carmine so I knew I would be free in the afternoon. I was hoping to Coleen again...but as always the plan falls apart.

By the time I got back to Coleen she was with Mark. I wonder if she would have done that had I been around. Oh well, it seems like the time she spends with Mark leads her back to me anyway, though I didn't know it at the time. She did ask if I could come have dinner with them as Mark's house. I told them I was going to my sister's house for dinner, which I did although the invite from her came later. There was no way I was going there. It does bother me that she wants me in their company.

Later that evening while having dinner at my sister's Coleen asked if I could take her to see the music in the park. I was planning to go and I figured if she went she would go with Mark. Well, again there was no Mark. So he stayed in all weekend. When I picked her up at her house she was waiting in the driveway. She looked okay but I could tell she was on the edge of becoming emotional. As much as I wanted to explore that I told myself don't do it. Because then our conversations would just become all about Mark and I'm not going to beat that dead horse. She kind of let it go and the last thing I said to her was I would call her at work on Monday.

I know I'm way tooslow but as sad as this is I just can't seem to get away from this. My time with Coleen is special even if it never leads anywhere. I know I could push the issue but I still don't believe Coleen is ready to walk away from Mark She is planning a September vacation but last night she said she really wants to take a vacaton now. But Mark can only go after Labor Day and she really want to go away with him. So I'll make my vacation plan for August and assume she will still be Mark's until at least then.

I got no thumb Charlie

"Charlie! They took my thumb!" (The Pope of Greenwich Village)

I saw this movie the other night. I'd seen it many times before and I didn't actually watch the whole thing. But I'd forgotten how good Eric Roberts is in this. He pretty much steals ever scene he is in. There is a scene at the end where he talks about how you can't be nice to your woman. Mickey Rourke's character was saying how his wife lest him and he didn't hit her or anything. "You can't do that man. I mean you don't abuse 'em once in a while they'll shit all over you. I don't mean you walk around morning to night whackin' 'em upside the head like someone from the other side but you terrorize 'em once in a while just to keep 'em in line. Know what I mean?"

It was a little sick and I could never see myself be that way. But it does seem like the women seem to find an attraction to these kind of guys. But enough about my thoughts on movies. On to real life.

My attempts at moving on from Coleen are not working so good. I mean she must really like me in some twisted screwed up way that is just making me crazy. Yesterday evening I joined Janet and some other friends in the bar at around 7. Everyone else had been there an hour or so. Coleen wasn't there. The plan was to walk downtown to see a band that was playing Motown and soul. We knew it would be good. Turned out no one really wanted to go except me and Janet. Then just as we are leaving Coleen pops in the door. Janet knows how much I like Coleen so she said she would go and I could talk to Coleen if I want But Coleen said she was just having one drink and going home so I said I was going to see the music and c'ya. Janet and I walked out together and headed down the street. While walking I tried to talk Janet into having dinner with me at my place. She was iffy.

We got there and we bumped into a few others we knew and like always Janet was mingling with all the people she knew but I didn't. So I was just enjoying the band. They were really good. Within about 10 minutes I get a tap on my shoulder ... it was Coleen. She decided to come down anyway. Very validating. We ended up dancing together the entire night. Dance, dance, dance = Fun, fun, fun. I'll never understand how she has a boyfriend who never likes to dance. So there I am once again feeling so connected and having the best time.

We ended the night getting a slice of pizza and I eventually found Janet via cell phone and she joined us. I still wanted to have dinner with Janet but if I mentioned it to Coleen it would have meant inviting Mark too so I didn't even say it. So there is the real issue now... the only time I can get close to Coleen is these spontaneous events because if I try to plan something it means she shows up with Mark. But I can plan things to do with Janet even though our relationship is as friends so there isn't any potential.

So this morning I talked to Janet and she bowed out of dinner. At least not at my place. Maybe I can just stay home today.  

No Monument to Justice

"I'm no friggin' monument to justice! I lost my hand! I lost my bride! Johnny has his hand! Johnny has his bride! You want me to take my heartache, put it away and forget?" (Moonstruck)

To continue from my last blog entry my friends all seem to agree that my infatuation with Coleen must end. So I am trying but it's not so easy. Because what else is out there?

I made an effort to see Tracy on Sunday and again on Tuesday. Problem is I don't really like Tracy that much. I mean the more I get to know her the less appeal she seems to have. And then there is the fact that she takes her brother with her everywhere she goes.

I did make sure that Coleen knew I was going out with Tracy. I want to try and give off an aura of having something romantic going on even though it's not. At the end of seeing Tracy I only have hopes of getting Coleen shook up. I did finally talk to Coleen the last few days. And what do I do ... I make plans to see her. I need to stop doing that.

On a different topic... I spoke to Lisa this week and out of leftfield she starts to tell me how frustrated she is in her relationship with Carmine. He's just not romantic... which I can kind of see. He tends to be very reserved and maybe shy. But if she starts going into detail I cut her off. I don't really want to process that information. But it's kind of like I see cracks in their bond starting to form. I don't know where that is going.